Baby thoughts

Well a girl has got to get it out of her head sometime.

To say that I am baby hungry is understating it. I have been wanting another baby for over a year, ergo, we have been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant for over a year. Heck, it is nigh on two years now. I have mostly been trying to block it out of my head so I don't get dissapointed every month, but it is there.

It is large in part why we became foster parents.

I don't think I am very good at being a foster parent because there is still that little voice that nags "well, she is not mine so I can't love her the same." I do love her, but it really is not the same. And then with all the limbo of having the non-mom factor thrown back in my face on a weekly basis (result of weekly visits with biological mom), that little nagging voice gets too much reinforcement.

Then the thought strikes - there are plenty of babies out there, why not adopt. Ha! as if that were any easier than getting pregnant or foster parenting. And then I think crazy things such as: how can they really limit how many children a person has in Asia? Is it one? Is it two now? While at the same time, in Russia and the Ukraine I am told they won't let you take babies out of orphanges because they have negative population growth and they keep them until they are 18 so at least they will still be in the country. Odd. Absurd. Wrong!

What has this crazy world come to?! Good people who want a legit family - mother, father, stable home - aren't getting pregnant for God knows what reason. Simultaneously crack heads are popping out babies like rabbits and messing them up just enough to make their life miserable. In some countries you can't have kids if you want, or can't keep the ones you have, or aren't allowed to offer a better future for them. All the while the devil is winning in his battle against the traditional family. I saw a picture as I went through the grocery stand of Elton John with his new baby - vomit. Sure, happy for his happiness because babies are so glorious, oh so upset because he can get a baby and mock the sanctity of what family is at the same time.

It takes a lot of faith to navigate through this world. It takes a lot of absolute trust, really believing and convincing your body that it is true, that whatever God's plan is is really for the best. He knows what is happening, surely he is just about as tickled about it as I am, yet He knows more than I do about how things will all turn out. Most comforting, He knows me. That I can believe. As long as I trust in that love, that love that would direct me away from despair and frustration to know that what I have is truly best for me, I can believe that the rest of this mess will get worked out eventually too.

Thank heavens for the scriptures that speak - Be still and know that I am God, Ye shall not be tempted above that which ye are able to bear, I know the drop of a sparrow, my ways are not my ways.

It soothes my soul and I work another day through - but I am still baby hungry ;)

I'm a Hancock

I just watched (too many) of the "I'm a Mormon" videos spotlights on Mormon.org. Of course I started thinking about what I could say about myself..

"I am a mother. I can kinda do a lot of things including acting and sewing. I am a displaced Idahoan and I am a Mormon."

I recognized, more so than that things I do in a little video clip to define me, the majority of what comes to mind comes from my family, that of which I am almost more proud of than being a Mormon.

For you who understand it (this is just the script, maybe one day I will make the movie version when I get my camera back fixed)....

My name is Nancy Hancock Button.

I live in Arizona but really wish I was home in Idaho. I love au gratin potatoes on Sunday. When I am concentrating I stick out my tounge.

I try and make toddlers sit still for 'religious instruction' every Monday night around 6pm.

I jog, sometimes regularly, but always habitually.

The only rolls I have ever made work, or really tried to make work are Grandma Ruby's rolls.

I garden. I can fruit in mass. I cook homemade meals and make my family eat yummy leftovers to clean out the fridge.

I call all my girls 'Sis.' My kids all have cubby cheeks and blue eyes that twinkle like dad's.

I don't think it is Christmas without snow and a picture on the stairs.

When I get upset I use a very logical tone and try to tell you that 'I'm not upset.'

I regularly attend the temple and never miss Church on Sunday unless someone is throwing up. I accept every calling that is given me and always pay a full tithe.

I play the piano, a couple of other instrunments, and sing in the ward choir.

I catch myself saying "well no one really appreciates...'

I served a mission in Brazil and stuck it out. Whenever someone says "Sister Hancock" I still turn around.

I think family is the best part of life and would do anything, anything for them on any day.

Even though I married man that gave me his name, I am what I am because of who raised me. My name is Nancy, and I am still a Hancock.

vignettes

January 15, 2011

I turned around and noticed a stench of egg. I saw an empty sack on the table. I ask to the 3 kids 'Did you get out the eggs?"

Girls:"Danny did."

Me:"Danny?"

Danny:"I eat the eggs all gone. They in my tummet. You can't get them out."

Me:"You are a stinker Danny."

Girls:"You are a stinker Danny."

January 4th, 2011

I just got done mowing the yard and string trimming. when I would stop string trimming I could still hear the buzzing of the machine and realized that Danny was mimicking the sound of the trimmer exactly! He would do the sputtering and the whir just like the machine. He would come and ask on a break 'Can I do that?" I said not until he was older cuz it was a privelage and he contentedly went of playing like he was the string trimmer. Danny has had at least 5 cups of nogg today too.

In the Big Fish Tank

Our family vacation over the last 6 day break that Josh had consisted of a lot of home improvement projects and one trip to the Sea Life Aquarium. It was a good think I had some stellar Groupon deals for the admission because it was in essence one large fish tank.
and then you get to be part of the fish tank.

Big By Danny

On Sunday the boys got a haircut. When Danny noticed that Daddy was also cutting the hair on his face, he figured he was ready for his first shave. Of course, after all the home repairs he had done this week - painting the bench and putting up the wainscoat in the throne room we have considered him a big enough boy for the job.

I am spoiled!

Last night was one of the best nights of my life! As I sat next to my dashing husband in a secluded-ish booth eating AMAZING food and listing to live JAZZ music I was more in love with him that I had been for a long time (at least a day). Josh and I have been a almost a frenzy of a competitive loving nature to out love the other one. Of all the addictive behaviors, the tops the list as the best. Thinking endlessly of how much better I could serve my eternal companion or thank him, or make the bestest food, or surprise him is just too fun!

Yet, I have been out done! After five years of marriage, Josh has topped me on birthday giving. I thought I was spoiled at Christmas when the beautiful Kawaii showed up miraculously in my already set living room. But Josh was just getting the steam rolling. He may have been nudged when I totally surprised him with the oft mentioned/needed Dremel tool

(which I had to ask the guys at Lowes what it actually was) and a super cool circular saw that was hiding in the garage for over a month (Josh spent about an hour yesterday just admiring and playing with the lazer beam on the machine). Add in the streamers


, chocolate cheese cake, and some giggles from the kids and Josh had all the ammunition he needed to launch into a full on 'better than you' birthday giving streak!

Just a week later, Josh lamely set the stage. I leave the birthday decor up all week, just allowing him to take claim for the decoration. He had been telling me all week, while working over 70 hours, that he was sad that he wasn't able to get me all he wanted to for my birthday. And the gifts were scarce that day; I showed him the DVD's for the kids to wrap for me and helped him make dinner. He tried to make it special in primary by making them sing to me (who am regularly stuck behind the piano) but it backfired when I reminded them that they had missed singing to him the previous week. Of course I loved standing next to my hottie while little kids sang 'You've had a birthday, shout HOORAY!'

Then, hapharzadly as the kids announced "We aren't hiding anything but a surprise in the closet" Josh pulled out this:

A lone magic track pad. Oh, and a 3 year protection plan for the late coming package:

He is beautiful! Yes, I think this is the first time ever that I have given one of my Macs a masculine personification. It just fits. He is sleek, muscular, heavy, intelligent, helpful, surprising, everything I could ever dream of in a computer. In fact, I would name my new computer Josh if I hadn't already given the name to our first born son. Look at me, I am blogging efficiently for the first time ever!

So the Mac came Tuesday after my birthday, the next day another package arrives, with curtains. Sounds dull but I couldn't have been more excited! Hi efficiencly curtains for the kids' room to keep them warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Then, once Josh's grueling month (nearly 30days of working 13 hours sifts with on a few seldom days home) he takes me out to Warren's Jazz Bistro. Oh so wonderful. And he says there is more coming. Oh I am spoiled. Not to mention that Josh did make me Very Good Chocolate Chip Cookies with Ice Cream for my birthday!

Christmas 2010

Danny was the intagator of this one, he wanted a n umbrella from Santa, well, we have learned from experience that one umbrella is a lot of problems. Three umbrellas is really cute.
Faith had asked Santa for a toy puppy, and boy does she lover her little 'Belle' puppy. And Viv got her pink kitty too.
By far the best moment of Christmas morning (which we actually celebrated on the 24th since Josh worked the following day) was Danny's face when he first woke up. Josh and I actually woke up before all the kids, that seems strange, and were waiting in the living room when Danny woke up first. He was a bit groggy and squinty eyed until he noticed that the stockings were no longer hanging up, they were down and full. When we asked him what happened, he said 'Santa' coyly.
I did manage to follow through with some of the Christmas Eve traditions even though I had been flying solo for a long time. The kids got to decorate their own personal pizza, and we actually got some of the toppings on the pizzas this year!

Family Christmas Day

In order to better get in the spirit of the season, we themed one of Josh's few days off work as everything red and green. Everyone got to put on their special red and green duds. We went to the red and green restaurant (Oreganos, fine italian), rode the polar express (Freestone park little kids train), carosel, saw santa, and culminated it all in seeing the Hale production of Christmas Carol. It was an excellent day and by 5pm Josh and I were tuckered out.

We had prepped the kids for Christmas Carol telling them it was a story of a grumpy old man who didn't share. We kept asking throughout the show if they thinked he could change and learn to share. Faith was glued to the stage (as always). By the end when Scrooge yells out 'Merry Christmas' Faith truly jumped out of her seat with joy. She turned to me with a great big smile and told me 'his heart has changed!' She was so proud of him that she raced out of her seat at the end of the show to go and tell him how very proud she was of him for learning to share. What a tender girl.

I

Backwards Boy

Danny dresses himself nowadays, and some days that is more interesting than others!

Bucket List

This is the be gone year. Today marks my twenty-ninth birthday, or truly my thirtieth year. Couldn't even put out the numbers numerically, spelling them makes it a bit better. So, it has come to this; once I hit the bit 3-0 I hear my body detrioriates at a more rapid rate and I must really be an adult. So I have got to live it up while I can. I have found, in lieu of some personal new years' resolutions, it is time to make sure I get a few of those precious times left in my twenties. This will be a deciding year - go big or go home!!

1-Run an official marathon That is race bib, aid stations manned by someone else than me and a start and finish that doesn't move based on my mood. I have trained for plenty, even gone the distance, just never run an official race, it is time to remove that blight from my lying record. This posses a difficulty because if I am going to run that far, and actually pay to run that far, then it better be for a race that I will enjoy (using the term lightly of course because you are after all putting your body through torment for pleasure), and a race that is not on Sunday. There are only a few of those races on the planet and getting to them is yet another conundrum. Carpe 20! I will go and do.

2- Be a Star As a actress your twenties are prime time - just old enough to have good experience but still young enough to grab the young love interest role (I'd spell that in french but totally miss the mark). I could do it. I'll have to audition like crazy and really work hard, and bless my dear family, they will make sacrifices for it too. I have my eye on a couple of shows I know are coming up in the season and will do my best. Selfishly, I am willing to do what it takes this year before taking a back seat and basking in my past glory of being a really star back when I was twenty something.

3- Dance it up! In my early twenties I was occupied with being an emissary for Christ, after that I was busy trucking my way through school and sleeping in my spare time. Last time I stepped foot in a dance club I was 18 years old. Holey mackerel! I know, it is complicated now that I am married - oh contrair! I now have a chosen and desired dance partner, it is just a matter of convincing him to get out on the dance floor, or rather, staying up past 10pm to hit the night life.

4- Go on Vacation - that's right, be bold enough to leave the kids behind and take a real vacation to someplace different, adventurous, new. I would be glad to have company, only no one younger than 20 allowed, since it is a 'twenties' vacation.

5-Enjoy the classics - Must see/attend: opera, symphony, ballet, baseball, live jazz, broadway, shakespeare, grand teton, grand canyon, ocean, gone with the wind

6- Flaunt it - find that oh so feel good outfit and zing! hit the town. That includes buying that one pair of shoes that is irresistable, despite price, to complete the ensemble.

That should do it. That gets the flippant things out of the way now I can buckle down and get some real resolutions taken care of, well maybe.

While most are today putting together hopeful resolutions on this day, I am sorting through a slew of disappointing feelings. Feelings I had not anticipated feeling in the cause of doing good.

We are foster parents, which mostly boils down to me being the foster mother, which mostly boils me down to being something a bit more than the wicked witch of the west and a little more than an evil stepmother.

When it comes to fostering we all look to the children. We all sympathize with their situatioin, pity their underserved situation, and love them for being survivors. And I do love our little V and have all the very feelings that motivated us to begin this journey. But, even the 60 hours of training could not have prepared me for the internal battle.

In order to get licensed we went through the whole process and learned a great deal about the children in the system and the problems they present, the damage that has been done, and a few tools as to what we might do to help. There may have been a mention in there somewhere about how it will be emotionally taxing and discouraging, but I was filled with parental confidence and faith that this was the will of the Lord for our family. I chuckled a bit at some of the behaviors they described and muttered under my breath to Josh that our own children do that, it was really what normal children do maybe only a little enhanced. To my credit, at least in V's case, it is true. Sure, some heightened fits or defiance, but mostly nothing I haven't dealt with before.

The elephant in the room is rather what has become of me. Parenting my own to darling children has been a joy full of daily triumphs and a few frustrations, but all in all, they are well trained and enjoyable little people. I really can and do take most of the credit for that for they have been in my deliberate care since birth and I have done my best to educate myself and temper all actions with love, a genuine bonding love that came with the package deal of motherhood.

Fostering someone else's protege is mothering in a different vein. The biological parent knows they are being somewhat supplanted, the child knows this is not 'my mother' and the foster parent acutely feels that they are a poor middleman on a used car lot. I really am trying to do my best but the people on either side are festering and fuming about something most all the time. Despite my best efforts, and are they evermore concious, it is constantly compared to something else. The greatest frustration being that the comparison is to something awful percieved as good. The only good they they have ever known. Trying to convince a loyal child, strangely but very really attatched to that parent that created a situation bad enough that they child was taken from them, that my structured, calm, peaceful home is better than what they had is no small task, despite the obvious contrast. Furthermore, I am not allowed to compare it, jsut try and emphasize that we are happy to provide whatever makes them most happy. My counterpart might tear me down in her presence each week and destory any confidence I have built in that little bond I am making with the little person, but I can only smile and kindly dance around the subject of 'mother.'

Ignoring it all is less helpful that I had hoped. Distraction only works until you slow down, and confronting it is complicated. What can I change about my current situation? Get rid of the kid. Oh no, I wouldn't do that, for I have attached to her, or at least to the idea of providing some well-being for her at the moment. Could I erase the counter part and just make her my own I can't even tell if it would help. So I am struggling through. The complication of having my own children feed off the defiance , yet still goldenly they create the best example for her, has taken my natural motherhood into question as well.

I still believe on a given day I am a good mother. On a bad day I still never strike my children or deny them food or shelter. On a great day we all love each other. Most days we make it through without severe burns although a little crisp on the edges.

And where does my new years resolution come out of this? I really haven't figured out that much yet, which frustrates me. I normally love sitting down and looking through past progress and future potential. This new aspect of me is a conundrum. Well, better to have bounced around a little more of what this all means before I settle on a cause/effect or forward motion.
Any suggestions?