Cain Theory

As a parent, I have been considering what I will call today the "Cain Theory."

Having been raised on a scripture foundation, the analogies of my parenting strife today are rife with accounts of Laman, Lemuel, Cain, Lucifer and the other biblical black sheep of the family.  For doesn't every family have one?  Or are they only considered the black sheep in comparison with their fairer siblings?  I'm not talking color of skin only here - although scripture and our family are rife with that pigmented contrast - I'm talking of the inevitability in a family with more than one child that one of them is comparatively naughtier than the rest.

What bothers me about my 'Cain Theory' as of yet is that I have no empirical evidence to show me statistically how many families feel like there is one child that is 'naughtier' than the rest, the black sheep.  I'm not just talking about ideologically different today, I'm talking of the one who was hardest to parent because they, well, were just bad somehow.  I have been considering this morning if this is a foster parenting problem or a universal parenting problem.  That's how it got to be the "Cain Theory."

Look, Cain and Abel, and all the rest of the start of the human family, all came from the same parents.  From the record we are given it is safe to assume that Adam and Eve were really great parents.  They taught all their children the laws of God.  They taught them all to garden, for it was in the garden that Cain got his ultimate revenge or punishment however you see it.  This morning it was in the garden that I watched one of my children exact her revenge on the world, one cucumber plant at a time.

As part of my personal parenting philosophy I will not give my child enough space to blame Satan for their actions (in fact, I don't know if Lucifer just wasn't painted as a devil until he was compared against Jesus but that is a deeper theological debate than is needed for the day).  I do believe there is opposition in all things, including our choice of how we use natural emotions.  It would be silly to deny that we all feel and that some of those feelings are negative.  Anger is real.  Frustration and fatigue are very real.  Just as real as love and joy and compassion.  Agency, which is told to be the greatest gift of God to His children (Christ's sacrifice was His own great gift) allows us to experience emotions in all their colors and make a choice as to how they will guide our lives.  To some degree, for at least a reasonable 8-18 years, parents have the obligation to guide the choice of actions based on feelings.  That is part of what parenting is right - teaching your children the 'appropriate' way to behave when under the duress of natural life.

It seems too easily metaphorical in the bible that Satan or his angels popped up right in the moment when Cain was feeling anger toward his brother and let him know exactly where to put that negative feeling.  I sympathize with Cain, working hard like the rest of the family, but always feeling cast in the shadow of Abel. And we have no evidence that Abel was the perfect brother.  Perhaps he was goading on Cain that day, I've seen it enough in sibling relationships.  Even the good ones can be downright vindictive when their parents' backs are turned.  So why is it that Cain got the curse of the family? And was the curse before or after the killing?  Who's to say that Cain didn't already know that he was the bad boy of the family and was just fulfilling their expectations for him.

I'll admit it - some of us have bigger inner dragons than others and in a group setting as tight as a family, that is not seen as an asset.  Some family members can feel like a liability.  As much as we love them, we continue to ask God why he gave us this  member of the family to help us experience the binaries of life.  But then I pause.  Is any of us so bad in isolation?  If my Cain were my only child, would I really be so up in arms today about cucumber plants uprooted?  Or would I shake my head, give her a hug and tell her she was being silly.  Was the disaster only so disappointing because the other two children had angelically completed their weeding singing songs and wanting to help longer than was needed?  Biblically, would Cain have been such a big deal had there been no Abel?

Despite my theory, there is still parenting to be done.  Principles of work, love, respect, and self-worth that will have to be gaged with or without the comparisons.  The point, I think, is to stop and think about how 'bad' any of us really are.  If the dragon of revenge wants to wield it's way through my garden and rip out one innocent plant after another, I shall be grateful that today she is only 7 years old and that there is still time to plant again.  Maybe Cain had ripped out a few plants prior to sinking a knife into his brother.  I don't know.  I just feel like today I have a bit more mercy for all those siblings who got painted black before really knowing that there had to be any comparison.

I've been laughing a lot this week, because I have kids

The kids are in the wonderful linquistic state of applying very very new skills.  A few examples of assimilated language this past week:

Danny has been very invovled in playing soccer at recess with all the boys.  He was trying to explain how the boys clear the goal by needing to "cherry vomit."  Cherry vomit?  "Yeah, you drop the ball and kick it as far as you can."  That is a drop kick, oh, do you mean cherry bomb it? Like dropping a bomb? "No mom, it's cherry vomit."  Okay.

We had miso tofu soup for dinner last night.  My children were all being so complimentary of the cook, which I very much appreciated.  "I really like the liquidy part," said Danny enthusiastically.  His sentiments were joined by a hardy nod and slurp from Faith.  Viv looked very proffessional as she corrected her brother; "The liquidy stuff is called barf."  It's broth, dear, but barf sounds the same.  Certainly doesn't taste the same.

Faith was excited to use the notepad paper I had recieved from the junk mail.  It had our address on the bottom, very personalized.  As we rode to school I reminded her that she needed to change into her leotard and tights before I picked her up so we could get to ballet quickly.  "Oh great!  I will write myself a note so I don't forget. I can put it in my cubby as school."  Good idea.

She did indeed have her note in a noticeable place in the cubby area to remind her.  Her phonetic spelling made me laugh out loud:

 The precious little one does not know what 'tits' are yet, and it is best left for those to come first before we talk about their terminology.

And finally (for this week so far), Josh brought the kids up to the university to bring me a chocolate milkshake.  As they were leaving the building Faith needed to go to the restroom.  Josh sent the girls into the women's restroom and he followed Danny into the men's.  Danny walked up to the urinal, sized up the proportions that he had not expected as a 4 foot nothing six year old boy in a university men's bathroom and exlaimed "You have got to be kidding me!" 

 Looking nose to drain, it seemed impossible to get his meager stream in the intended target.  Josh told him he could just use the toliet in the stall.  When I asked him about the incident the next day, he looked at me with all seriousness and said "Mom, there is no way I could (indicating an upward shooting pistol)...you know....when the urinals at my school are (tipping his pointing hand downward).  Seriously.  It would be impossible."