Ambivalence Part 2

In Webster's world, this word means uncertaintity or conflicting feelings toward a person. In the foster world, it is a word which means 'the opening of the inner pandora's box of a child during the healing process in which all of hell's little angels attack you simultaneous.'

Whereas Webster might use ambivalence to discuss a sort of moral inner conflict, in my world it means endless conflict. Although, as I step back a moment to look at this term from Webster's point of view I may see where it is most applicable - to me. For certainly right now I feel extremely positive and negative feelings simultaneously toward on person. That one person is going through 'ambivalence.'

E's run of this race has been radically different than Viv's, yet so very similar. Where Viv went into rages E stays silent. When E defies it is in his eyes, with Viv it was her voice. Yet the intersection of wills is very familiar. Gratefully, this time through we are familiar enough to recognize what is going on rather that fly into wildly helpless rages ourselves. Instead of blaming the child for being manipulative, we recognize that what he is manipulating is not us, but the circumstances. Will they change? Will they change? is the reader board playing across his blank stare. If I try this tactic, will they change?

Just knowing what is happening is just half the battle. The next battle is knowing how it will truly affect my personal temperment that day. Can I stay cool? Ought I to totally disengage in order to not rage completely? How long can I stay involved in this battle before something cracks. That is what he is testing, my breaking point. And the saddest irony of all, he wants me to break, he wants me to hurt him so that in some way, the pain will be alievated.

For right now, a little three year old dude is finally coming to a point where he has to face the reality of the feelings of a past and see if he wants to move past it. He faces that choice because he knows he can trust us now. And we must to do everything in our will power during this time to make sure that he knows that trust should only grow because we will not be like those from his past. I hope that I can live up to that flicker of hope in him. Despite what is going on. That hope is anchored in my faith in Jesus Christ; for in all truth and reality, without His great love and perfect charity that He gives to me daily I wouldn't have lasted this long, nor would have E. It is a humbling experience to meet your ugliest self in the pure anger and resentment you feel towards a child that you already know has been abused, and yes, you want to hit them. That is the ugliest part of me. I am ashamed of it and I pray continually for strength from He was struck and spat upon to calm that rage and master my evil nature. I love E. I love Jesus Christ even more, particularly during the ambivalent days.

Saved by the Bell

As a child of the '80s I was brought up on right alongside A.C. Slater and Kelly Zapowski in the real time depiction of high school on "Saved by the Bell." The pun was used excessively, which was funny and ironic. Today I heard the expression 'saved by the bell' and nearly wanted to scream in rage....not related at all to Zach or the gang, of course.

I was exciting court this afternoon when the substitute appointed attorney for bio-mom boomed 'you were saved by the bell, literally, that case was all but closed until you walked in.' And it was all but closed. Closed to anymore interference without purpose. Closed to any possible further scarring on an innocent psyche. Closed the past that has no plausible way to carry into a successful future.

But she showed up. Every able-minded educated person in court room 4 had their hands tied. Just at the moment the substitute judge was about to put the stamp on the case moving toward adoption with out contest, she walked in. That was all she had to do. Walk in the door with no real excuse for being late, for the second time, for a hearing regarding her right to parent a child she has not seen for three months or been a parent to for a year (if not longer).

With repressed exasperation the judge read her the continued further rights in a case regarding legal seperation. It was not unlike the one read at the beginning at the month when the case was changed to severence rather than reunification. She did nothing after that document was signed and I sincerely hope that the same will be true this time around. But I fear it won't...

Viv has done exceptional and placing all the complex aspects of her short life in a past package that she labels 'my Phoenix.' This was not prompted by any of us, she just put it all there. When a case worker or other people related to her case stops by she simply says 'oh, you are from my phoenix." Having identified it she moves about freely in our life here. She used to hang around like a scared puppy waiting to see if she was in good graces or going to be kicked again. Now she is secure that 'my phoenix' is securely locked in the past.

Yet what if....with yet another two months to drag this on, drag on her 'right' to be a mother to a child she has abused it too many ways....that quiet past will come back even for just a two hour visit. The last time Viv hadn't seen bio for a month and then she suddenly popped back, Viv was so sick she vomitted on our doorstep upon arriving home (the amount of soda or out of date candy that was given to her was unverifiable). Psychological bulemia.

"in the nick of time"

"at the last minute"

"saved by the bell"

ought all be left out of the game, for if you can't show up for the show on time, what's it worth to see the ending? after all, what's the bell for, and who is being saved?

I am the Luckiest

My husband has the adorable habit of telling me that he is the luckiest man in the world because he married me. I playfully respond that if I hadn't gotten him to purpose to me, where would we be? Yet, I have come to fully disagree with him; you see, I am the lucky one.

There are several amazing qualities that my husband posses. Some I recognized immediately when I originally fell in love with him, other have caused me to fall deeper and deeper in love with him now. It is not only the stock 'tall, dark, and handsome' that have me hooked. Nor is is soley the sensitive 'loves children and good books.' Josh is even more amazing than that.

While continuing in my quest to better myself as a wife by reading "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I have been enlightened on how very lucky I am to have mastered so many of the mysteries of men so early on in life. Why? Because Josh is a phenomenal teacher. With tact, gentility, and love Josh has taught me how to be direct in communication. How to appreciate how he is different. How to communicate effectively with him. How to celebrate our own unique differences. It wasn't until Dr. Laura pointed out how uncommon it was to already have such giant hurdles surmounted that my gratitude for my great man bounded to higher heights.

I haven't finished the book yet, but in all truth, I would recommend it even with a half read through. It disspells all the untrue feministic garbage that has blugdeoned men and marriage into a sad little pulp. Coming from a woman it is all the more powerful. I think every woman in the world needs to hear the things she has to say: love your man, stop your whining and love your man better.

I do have to attribute a fine marriage to a bit more than luck. It takes work. It also works better if you know you are going to be working on improving it. I am extremely glad that at the tender age of 17 a wise temple president encouraged the youth group I was with to cultivate in ourselves the qualities we desired in a spouse, for they would be looking for the same thing. It hit me then that I only had the power to change myself for the better and that good things are attracted to each other. Great good has come to me in the form of my husband.

I find it no shallow coincidence that our wedding song was "the Luckiest" by Ben Folds. It portrayed then the quirkiness of our love and a bit of the akwardness of falling in love but knowing it was forever. Now it just sings true.

Impact Zone

I ran three times this week (after a long hiatus from exersice due to incessant heat).

I have just made a batch of 'guilt free' cookies to keep me company while my husband is out of town this weekend.

Which, do we suppose, will have the greater impact on my rump?

Diverging motivation

One major frustration of being an intelligent person is never quite having all the time to do all the wonderful things you think of. Josh and I have often discussed how amazing it would be to not have to sleep, then we would get a lot done! (as long as everyone else still had to sleep).

I have had some great ideas recently. Compositions in my head that are thrilling and fascinating and would be Pulitzer's no doubt......if I could just get them written down right then.

My brain, like my house, is fabulous at generating creativity but contains no file boxes. If that creativity is not put to good use, and in a relatively short period of time, it is filed "Hawaiian style,' in the waste bin.

I lament my missed opportunities to write, but I will not miss the grasped opportunities to help my kids become responsible adults. Perhaps God is just helping me get through this seemingly unintelligble mess of parenting by letting me know I am still smart inside. For now, I will have a wispy memory of chapters on parenting, housewifery, and SSU.

Happiness Project Month #4: The most important relationship I will have on Earth

Return and Report Month #3: I found out that I don't especially care about my own personal accomplishment in many areas, but I do care about a few. It is nice to feel not so very selfish, but interesting to just feel calm in the reassurance that there is a time and season to all things. There are aspects of my pesonal accomplishments I had listed that I do very much want to pursue, later. I am not procrastinating, I just can't put them as a priority right now, or I don't want to because there are much more important things to worry about.

Take Myself Seriously as Professional: This I really did enjoy the most because it is something that does fit into my life. I have felt a great sense of accomplishment taking voice lessons for the first time ever. I have way more confidence in my own sound. I have appreciated the help of talented friends to help me feel comfortable as a dancer and as an auditioner. I got some good roles, and walked away from some others. I am currently taking tap lessons alongside Faith in a class of 4 year olds, and I love it!

Onward &Upward: meh. I do want to continue writing and working on my manuscript, but upon looking into schools I found the only program I would really want to be in would require me to be away from the family way to much right now. I am still playing with the idea of submitting an application just for fun....but then we got Earl and I don't know. It is a dream, that will be accomplished, later.

Gospel Teacher: this is a mixture of times and seasons and personal preference. I like to study the Gospel in my own way; learning what is interesting, listening to and applying general conference lessons, a lot of personal pondering of Gospel principles as they relate to outside perspectives. Noting that I don't study my scriptures quite enough, I do need to do a bit more to refuel the fire of the missionary spirit and attentiveness to how/when to share the Gospel with others.

Give me 5: This I love. I have always had several books lying around, yet it is good to categorize and know what I am reading and why and kinda give me a month deadline in which to do it.

Now on to the next month: The Most Important Relationship on Earth

I married Josh near 6 years ago. It was amazing. Look at us, weren't we just giddy? I have always felt astonished and overwhelmingly blessed to be attached to this man for eternity. In six years we have had two major fights I and I can link both to pregnancy or stress. Outside forces trying to rip us apart. So even if things are amazing and I am with my best friend, why not strengthen it even more. I love Josh to distraction some days, and other days I just get distracted. My main failing as a wife is taking him, and us, for granted. I am excited to form better habits for me to show how much I love him. In Church yesterday there were several silver-haired members that bore testimony of marriage, commenting in semi-competition, that they had been married for decades upon decades - and each one said it has not been long enough. How glad we are that we were seal together in a marriage ceremony that not only binds us legally on earth, but in heaven through God's true power for time and all eternity. It is a sound investment to put in the effort now to make this marriage work even better now thinking of the exponential time we have ahead of us.

#1 Bookend: start and end each day with physical touch, soft words, and appreciation. Especially write down specifics that I am grateful for each day. Keep a log and review it then give it to him at the end of the month as a gift. Do the same in prayer morning and night.

#2 Basics: Food. Sex. Temple. Don't be skimpy in any area. Make each area a concerted effort and thoughtful gift to him. Anticipate his needs.

#3 Time: be the 'Yes Wife.' make him my 'Priority Man' and give him all the time I can possibly give him in the day of my devoted attention.

#4 Allow: give him the opportunity to change the small things. don't nag; find alternative ways to let him know I need some help or look for ways to make the task simpler for him. Don't live in a world of double standards. Give him the same respect I would want when discussing my short-comings. We all change in our own time.

Through our eyes

Every day I see these lovely brown eyes, and it makes me smile. Viv's eyes have always been brown, but never have they been so lovely. We can see Viv in them. One year ago all you could see was fear. Then it was confusion, rage, frustration, fear, hurt, anger, trust, and now, relaxation. Viv has been allowed to become her amazing, beautiful, brilliant self for really the first time in her little life. We thank God for the opportunity to be a little part of that, but most of it was up to her.

Certainly the change has come slowly as her life has been changing. The greatest difference has been in the past two months. I will blatantly say that is because she has been safe, at home, without interruption from her past. We are all hopeful that such peace will continue in her life. Although, I was dissapointed that we will have to drag out the legal end of making Viv part of our family a while longer yet. The courts to file for 'severance' on Wednesday - HALLELUJIAH! From my persepective.....well.....it could have been different.

Another instance that hit hard on my view of things was yesterday. I can to see that rarely do people actually want to see through your eyes how things may be. I was downright angry at a woman for insisting to me that foster parenting was really no different from taking care of your own biological kids. Not to sound presumptious, but until she see it from my stand point, she have no idea how ridiculous she sound. Not that I haven't gotten variations on the same comment for over a year now, it just hit a frustrating high. What you all see is those kids - how cute they are - not through their eyes into their world. The world I have to go into each day in order to search out that little innocent child that got buried long ago by unfitted humans who call themselves parents just for having given birth. I won't tell you everything I see in their world, I can't. Besides, I feel honored and trusted for them to have shared it with me. Yet, I wish there would be a bit more understanding....for what you see in her eyes now was not always there.