I just (as in minutes) finished a fantastic book "Ask Me Why I Hurt" by Randy Christensen, MD with Rene Denfeld.
It has been awhile since I read anything but a script and am actually very picky about my reads. I am oh so glad that this new release, last minute placed on the pile book was every more than I expected. The story - A pediatrician in the Phoenix area starts up a mobile health clinic to treat un-insured homeless kids.
I was surprised to read on the jacket, after I had checked the book from the library, that the story was set here. I was not surprised by the stories, and that surprised me. Homeless kids - abused, beaten, neglected- are abundant. One courageous man took on the challenge of helping them. Helping traumatized children is no small task. I've had a little taste of it myself.
The book did not shock me only for the fact that we have been rather closer to the setting, and not just geographically, than ever before. Not even just the abused and neglectful part of the dirty children, for you see like Dr. Randy you look past that with a little hope that your helplessness in the face of their past and dismal future might be worth it. Constantly dragging your fingernails into the fading hope that somehow the heart and heartache you are putting into these little people is for a good purpose.
The review, mostly, is what I have learned in our last 7 months as foster parents. As the behavioral specialist said recently (an emergency intervention for us to keep us from throwing in the towel), "Foster parenting is not for Sissies." You make one initial choice - in or out - and then cling to it for your answer will haunt you and hunt you from there on out. Yet, I have learned, you can modify with peace based in knowledge.
Current modifications based on our six month review:
1-We will (probably) continue to be foster parents, but with in more reasonable reason. Key hint (which we have learned now): it is best to parent foster children that are at least two years younger than your biological children, if you have them. We had thought that by at least keeping Faith as the oldest we would be securing our children somewhat. The greatest danger is actually for the parent mind - chronological comparisson. Traumitized children are always, ALWAYS, emotionally delayed. The more normal norm is that their emotional age is about half of their real age. Understanding that when you are out of the moment is fine, but when you see a 3 year old throwing a massive and uncontrollable fit and you have a two year old that is much better in control you think "WHAT THE?! they are 3! This is not acceptable!" Well...it is....and it is difficult.
2-Wait. Although it is nice for Viv to have siblings her age, it is great for any kid to have siblings their age, it is not great to explain to a four year old in the throngs of 'That isn't fair!' syndrome, which comes very very naturally in that stage of development that Mommy is not being more harsh with you, your sister is just....um....different. Also, as has been more recognizable as we move along, you never know what baggage you are bringing in your house with each kid. It is scary to have your precious angels that you have kept safe from birth now sleeping in the same room without accountability and who knows what sort of a past sleeping on the bottom bunk. It scares us a lot. Which has thrown me into 'heightened parenting' mode. I am never out of ear shot of my kids. I always have to know were Viv is, not just for her saftey, but for the safety of my son and my daughter. She is a darling and wonderful and cute littler girl. But she was taught a whole lot different from birth. So, wait. Wait until your own precious ones can understand their environment and be strong enough to resist whatever unknown evil we have brought in the home to help, to heal, to soothe.
3-Once you're in, then you'll learn. I don't like to be discouraging about foster care, heaven knows the world needs more parents to help these kids, but you can always think yourself wonderful and charitable until you are in the thick of it and you realize you are less than what you had hoped you were and your capability to heal is more akin to a Disney print bandaid on an arterial wound. Bandaid is better than nothing. Growing as a person is good too.
Just as Dr. Randy concludes, over a lot of time, you see some hope, some good results and you think, sure, I did okay, but it takes the review to get the perspective. And a good intensive read. Good book. Good review. Back to Parenting 505.
as april wore on, it began to wear dwon the immune systems of my little lovelies as well. A radical virus struck both Danny and Faith for a full 24 hours and then rampaged back again about 3 days later. Both troopers, they submitted to my awful regime of crackers and sips of water and of course became familiar with the puke bowl, friendly even.
in it all, Josh was determined to pick up the sacred art/sport of fishing again. And with his regular gusto, they have not caught a thing. Perhaps it is because he is casting the line into dirt or just not singing the right fishy call for Arizona loafer fish socked in man made ponds.
I thought it clever that they opened the story, literally, with the characters opening their story books as the narrator began and the chorus of "I wish" started. I never really got to see the inside of Cinderella's or Jack's book because I was backstage or in the Baker's book.
Putting on a smile through the pukes. Josh said she made it through the whole show up to the last 20 minutes and in a way, he was grateful she was sick so she was not as wiggly as normal.
