In honor of this Leap Day

It seems fitting that the thoughts of my present mind have been about 'leaping' into a new adventure of life.

I have held out for awhile on the excitement of moving to Indiana, but now that we have more questions answered I am getting excited. Of course, I am an intense planner. I like having a road mapped out - and that is not just talking mapquest or GPS. I like the security of knowing where I want to go and who I want to be. I have always loved New Year's resolutions. I set new goals each week and I am constantly looking around me to see what I can change to make things better in my house, my kids, my yard, myself.

I paradoxically love change - for change warrants a fantastic opportunity for creation. The cool thing about moving frequently is that I have a very good little bracket to put on the changes that have been made while in a given area in me. I get to look back and say..."wow. while living in Boise I learned to..." or "jeepers. when we lived in Texas I grew because of..."

Now our Arizona chapter closing and I am happily pleased with progress made. It feels as though I have done a bit of the 'two steps forward, on step back' method. I will accredit that to radical surges forward with excited energy followed by physical set-backs. Here's how it plays out in my memory of personal growth in 2.75 years in Arizona:

-I embraced my new surroundings and found new and interesting cultural things to do such as take the kids to museums and multiple libraries.

- I decided to be a 'mover and shaker' in the ward, everything a member-missionary should be and involved and helpful, and I did a good job of it in our first ward.

- I loved kids that weren't my own in such a way that I wanted to help and love more kids that were not my own.

- We bought a house and we worked hard learning about horticulture and agriculture to make a backyard blossom.

-We decided to pursue foster parenting.

-I took myself seriously as a runner for the first time ever and got good at running fast. I competed in my first race over a 5K and placed in my age division.

-I provided drop-in day care services for 4-6 families and made some decent money while staying home with the kiddos.

-I made a comeback to the stage, pursuing theatre again first as this:

a bell-hop and a manicurist

-I made more friends, mostly outside of Church. I took homemade preserves to neighbors and started a couples game night which has become our closest circle of friends.

- I started a 'Less Impact' movement in our house and we decided to wash dishes by hand and air dry all our clothes. We bought food from co-ops and ate only home-made things, no boxes, no bags.

-I became a certified Zumba instructor and taught at a YMCA.

-We got fully licensed as foster parents and had our first placement within the week, Viv.

-I played my first Witch, she was loveable and I sang a solo on stage - a lot.


-We bought a dishwasher.

-Josh switched jobs and some of our stress went away.

-I finally recognized the signs and symptoms in myself that was throwing me into depressive states and decided to try something personal to change it without medication. I became aware of my body and listened.

-We phased out drop-in day care in compliance with foster regulations and lived well because Josh worked hard.

- I started taking tap lessons with my daughter.

-I played a Witch again, not so nice this time, but honestly connected to the character in a way I had never done before. It was a big role and it pushed me a lot.

I was released as a ward missionary in my ward after taking part in a baptism in a very dear friend who took the discussions with us and then was happy to sit behind a piano in the primary and not worry about talking to anyone.

-I started a 'Happiness Project' and read all about the psychology of happiness and how I could take control of my life again.

-I also studied more and more about personal finances, parenting, and gardening getting pretty smart in each arena.

-Josh got another job.

-We got another foster placement, Earl.

-I played a French maid, fully decked in short skirt and fish-net tights and felt like I totally rocked those tights.

- We ate more things out of boxes and spent a lot more time thinking about parenting.

-I went through treatments for fertility and learned even more about my body, more importantly I learned a lot more about what God really wanted us to do with my body and with our family.

-Earl went to his adoptive family and we went on vacation with the kids to the ocean and Sea World.

- We did some in home construction in which I learned to tile and spackle. I created the perfect pantry and loved stocking it with new canning creations including: peach cobbler filling, gherkin pickles, bottled meat, bottled chicken, sucotash, homemade spahgetti sauce, enchilada sauce, asparagus, peppers, and beans, all of which I had never canned on my own before while still maintaining my stock of peaches, pears, applesauce and apple pie-filling.

-I turned 30.

-Josh got another job and we frantically got our house ready for sale.

-I got another one of my dream roles and enjoyed being my own bit of Julie Andrews playing Anna Leonowens.

Heck, with the costume changes alone in this past year I have been over 12 different people! And happily, I have become a better me under it all too! It was cool to think about all the different changes that have been made in just a few years. There is so much to look forward to and so many even better things I want to do yet and become better. The prospective list for Indiana is looking pretty good: professor, gymnast, writer, debt-free, coach, positive.

LEAP FORWARD!

Home Cultured

Hmmph....that sounds a bit like I were making homemade yogurt (or yo-gret if you ask Viv), sadly I have not done that in a good while. I speak more of the culture that is easily created within a home.

Every family creates a culture all their own. It is either assimilated or actively drawn out. As with much of modern culture- culture is passe'. To be cultured is to be a mimic. People have lost the art of real art form. They just watch what others are doing and pick it up. That would be delicious if everyone else wasn't just following the person next to them. If examined long enough, we might just find the tail of the snake in its own mouth. (You could reasonably say that the head is more eastern and the tail more to the west explaining while Idaho always seemed to be about 6 months behind current trends)

Having noticed the slithering forked tongue of main-stream culture slipping into our home, I took a pitchfork to the beast. I refuse to have my children running around the house mis-quoting some of the worlds musical miscreants. Truly, I have no idea where they get it. How is it that in the matter of two days Viv fell in love with Justin Bieber and then asked if any male musician on the radio was Justin Bieber? I swear I had never heard his song myself. I'll blame it on that random girl at the park who she made fast friends with for five minutes.

That scares me. Not just mainstream, but having a child that will be an obsessive follower naturally. Befitting my right wing mothering instincts, I have pulled rank and pushed my tastes on my children. The kiddos have always been in love with any musical I have been in as an actress, so we just kept the ball rolling. Great thanks to Aunt Jill and they added Annie to the ranks of our movies (yesterday they presented me with Wizard of Oz, Newsies, and Annie for my judging as the movie of the day, yeah!). It struck me as the kiddos ran around the house singing "The sun comes out tomorrow, bet your bottom cobweb that tomorrow..." that I would much rather hear that repeated than "there's a fire, starting in my part..." (and I do love some Adele).

On the rush of realization I sat down last night after reading them to sleep from The Secret Garden and bought all the most kid friendly songs from the musicals my kids have seen or musicals that I have seen and know the best songs from. Now our kids' playlist is an A list Broadway mix! It is a bit of an upgrade from the Children's Songs which are the regular after dinner soothing songs. All day long there is something to sing, there is something to repeat, and small peals of joy when the recognize the musical from which it comes! That is a home culture I could dance to all day! I will take full blame if my kids turn out some weirdos who have no idea what music their friends are listening to... that's home cultured for you.

stick your nose up at that!

Design flaw of Mortality

I just put down the "Teach Your Child to Read in Just Ten Minutes a Day" after having read a maximum of 40 pages. As is common with me and my 'self-smart' books, I read just about as much new and stimulating information as I can before I feel like I am at capacity. The panicked feeling that if I read any bit more I shall forget everything I have just read sets in and I need to stop to process it all and implement it as well. Hence I am always simultaneously reading educational books because they take me a bit longer to process.

The ironic point of just having put down this particular book today was that I had just finished reading about how young children may need a great deal of time to process what we teach them in the game of deciphering the sound code we call reading. As a mommy-educator I do not allow that justifiable time to process learning. I am too demanding. The book just told me that. Perhaps that is why I needed more time to process it ;). Guilty take the truth to be hard.....to process.

The underlying principle to all learning, I believe, is patience. I wonder how God feels, as a perfect parent, needing to be endlessly patient with the lessons He must give me over and over again, and most frequently on patience itself. Just this morning I was having a muttering discussion with my conscience about the epistle of James chapter 2 discussing faith and works. The basic formula is 'faith without works is dead.' Lately I have been feeling like we have been doing all the work and perhaps today my faith was dwindling. Is that possible? Reverse the equation and you get the negative result? Works without faith is certainly deadening - you can work your self to death for sure. But where is the faith? I concluded, thankfully, through my impatient internal rants that we had felt enough glimmers of a miracle such that we can prove that our faith is founded and our works are good. But oh the dreggery of having to wait.....and continue working....walking one more step in darknes.....wait....hop and have faith......oh yes, and just be patient.

Why is it that we are sent to this finite mortality, a speck of time in the eternities, and we just can't wait for it to be over! I just can't hardly contain my anxiety about a pending move or an indetermined timeline on the adoption. I feel irritated when my child has forgotten in a mere two minutes what I taught them because I need them to be a genius now. And heaven forbid my kids hold off on the pizza for then next five minutes so the cheese doesn't burn their tongues! There is something within this mortal state that drives us forward. Perhaps it is the pending end of mortality and the daily decomposition of our bodies as we get older. It is mysterious and maddening. Somehow, we all feel impatient towards something, or about something or at something....who knew that impatient could even compose a prepositional phrase.

If the flaw is mixed in the pudding, is then the purpose to knead it out through mortalities moments of patient consideration? Is that all the more I need to learn to be twinkled into the sparkly heavens? Just be patient. Aw, heck, I can't wait for that to happen! Better get to work.

My scripture Heros

I am really liking this consistent FHE thing! My kids are getting better at singing songs, and faster at learning them. And we are having those loving scripture story moments that kids need and love. Josh was giving the lesson on making good choices (our theme for the month, and hopefully for life!) and used the example of Nephi who always chose to 'Go and DO!" what the Lord commanded.

Josh chose our Danny boy to be Nephi. Here he is, triumphant after listening to the Spirt of God, slaying Laban with his own sword, and acquiring the brass plates :

You can probably guess who Laban was. Danny hasn't quite met the 'large in stature' requirement for a prophet yet, but he has the heart!

Grammatical Assimilation

Most native speakers of any language do not realize how it was that they acquired the skill of speech. We may assume that we learned it in school. That is flawed, for how did we know what we were being taught if we couldn't even understand what they were saying. Unless, or course, you were taught in a school of hieroglyphics.

Most speaking peoples picked up the language through imitation and assimilation. They mimicked the sounds they heard around them (coos and gurgles) and later associated them with objects or concepts. That is some fantastic learning! Particularly because so many languages are so very complex! As a speaking adult you don't think that your particular language is so hard, until you start learning another language.

I remember very distinctly my first attempt and understanding what a 'verb conjugation' was. Freshman year in college. French 101. I was appalled! What an absurd concept, why English didn't have to change the verb up with every pronoun or gender. Ha. I was ignorant of my own language. I sat laboriously and rebelliously fighting against a concept I had gathered into my brain as natural when I was too young to know it. I faked my way through French well enough to fulfill my requirements in my BA requirements to earn a degree in English, but didn't really learn a lick.

It wasn't until I served as a missionary in Brazil for 18 months. There's a language lesson slap in the face. A Latin based language (thank heavens I had at least the introduction with the French stuff) spoken by some particularly sing-songy and fast-spoken people. HUH?!@ Forget that I could barely grasp the idea of changing the syntax and structure of a sentence to communicate, I was certain that the Brazilians weren't breathing, let alone enunciating enough separate words to allow me a moment to compute what was being said. Yet, just as a child learning language through imitation and assimilation. Sink or swim. And I swam, folks!

After a year in Brazil I found myself not only falling into the listless song of a flowing language, I absolutely became interested in what I was speaking. I not only recognized that people were speaking in the future tense, but I wanted to try and do it myself. It was fascinating to organize all the pronouns and verbs and everything else. Then to sing it, to feel it roll around in my mouth and come out correct was beautiful. I fell in love with language.

I was officially geeked out when I continued the last year of my BA studies in English in Hawaii after my time in Brazil. I had a history of the English language class from a professor that was a veritable God of Old English and could speak Beowulf as if it were a lullaby. Spoon the cherry on top of a grammar class full of equally geeked cronies in my department and a Hawaiian/Chinese/American professor who taught impeccable grammar lessons and I was hooked! Yes, of all my texts that I have saved from the college years, I would not give up "How the Irish Saved Civilization" or "American Grammar."

Thus, when I picked up on a learning nuance of my son's own English assimilation journey, I laughed. Danny has not quite mastered possessive pronouns. His default is plural pronouns. The favorite "yours." Regardless of what sentence we may say, when repeated,the pronoun is misplaced with a possessive pronoun. 'That is your coat.' 'That is yours coat." It is a cute nuance, even if I do have an itch to stop it. Heaven knows I won't let my kids get away with a lisp! Perhaps, I can let a few extra S's hang on a bit longer.

In the spirit of recognizing learning blocks or defects - I have been acutely aware of Viv's past tense conjugation of verbs. In most languages, the past tense of a verb is very clear and cut and rule based. Oddly, because American English is such a conglomerate of Germanic, Slavic, and Latin based words all into one language (ultimate melting pot that is continually added to), there is no standardized conjugation for our kids to learn. The almost have to learn by trial and error. The default past tense is adding 'ed.' You can imagine how confusing it would be to figure out why 'hitted' is not appropriated. It is equally annoying to me. I am trying very hard to stop myself from getting frustrated with her, it is just learning, even if it is a bigger thorn in my grammatical side.

Lest we believe that Faith is fully perfect (or me for that matter, I am the queen of malaprops), she has been a bit confused in the prefix and suffix department. My favorite lesson in prefixes this week was with the childhood interchangeability of de-struction, con-struction, and in-struction. The kids were playing pretend. They were sailing on a boat and had a treasure map. Before making any wrong turn I would hear 'Wait, we need to read the destructions!' I corrected them from the kitchen and their boat progressed forward (the boat was the love-seat and Danny was driving, I would say sailing it except for the fact that each time he turned the wheel there was a great screeching and splashing noise that he made to accompany it, which lent itself more to a motor boat, which is, after all, a much more effective way to work piracy) with constant referrals to the 'constructions' until I could stand it no longer. Yes, right in the middle of a treasure hunt we had a grammar lesson. Prefixes are important people! It can mean the difference between exploding something or building it up, not to mention the correct assembling of either! Of course, it dawns on me now, I could have just told the kids to look at the MAP.

p.s in all my zealous corrections of spoken grammar I concede that I very very often do not write correctly on this very blog - ha.....did I not mention I was lazy and hate editing? Hopefully I can compose correctly the first time...or else.

p.p.s On a similarly silly note - the simplest language I have found to learn is Smurf in which when a person is in doubt you can substitute the word 'smurf' for any part of speech. Nice. And yes, we did make up sentences in our 300 level grammar class and diagram them completely using the word smurf. A high class education if you ask me.

Stacking the Cards

I realized recently that our children's memories are significantly skewed by their photo albums. Willing to capitalize on this little niche of a nuance, I decided that from now on I will only record the really awesome things we do as parents. Thus, when the kids look back on their childhood - as written by me - they will have no ammunitions for a therapists couch. Who's to say it isn't true if they can't remember anything different? Is this not the point of family history?

To be fair, I have made it perfectly clear up to this point in my personal histories that I am not completely perfect. Whoops. Well, there has been no evidence to prove that Josh has not been the perfect father. See --

He makes cookies with them on Sunday. Yesterday he took them to Walmart and the park and ran around in circles and over and under every bit of the playground with them. He loves playing with them.

Besides, kids always blame their mother no matter what you do..... ; ).

Financial Ostrich

There are times when I think to myself - have I been doing this


for the past millennium?

It generally hits me when I am reading my self-smart books. Go figure. Thank heavens I am dumb enough to know that I am not completely smart, or smart enough to know that I am dumb. Either way, I's gots a lots to learn!

In all the frugality of my youth I may have misspent my zeal in remaining 'debt free.' I absolutely am glad that I never got a false impression at a impressionable young age that money was effortless to acquire and illusive to pay back. Yet, I did miss something.

I very distinctly remember one of the first financial discussions I had with my budding fiancee. I knew he was financing his college education with student loans, yet I about hit the floor when I heard that he had voluntarily taken out a personal loan from a credit union at the very young age of 18 (maybe it was younger, I may have to check my facts with Josh) so that he could build his credit score even while serving a mission. You WHAT?! And what was the loan for and for what amount. Oh the money was for nothing and the loan piddly. Then WHY?! Oh my naivety!

Josh's second loan, and this was before we even got married, was spent on this beauty:

I know, the stud was so super confident that he bought a station wagon to drive off to college in, and boy was that guy super handy during all the moving years. Back to point: again, I was shocked he had taken out a minimal loan to pay dinky payments on a car he could have bought cash from his grandfather. In fact, when I saw the balance left on the loan when we got married I promptly paid it off.

Sad tale brought to present day; I have spent the last hour looking up information on credit cards with a disgusted further akin to studying for a mid-semester test in a foreign language class. It is all Greek to me! What Josh figured out early, I am just figuring out now - all that mumbo-jumbo about needing a good credit score (good thing I married the guy with the good one right? oh, he comes with even more perks).

Granted, it has been pretty handy in these first few 'scrappy' years of marriage to have a Scrooge cash capitalist at the family financial helm (that's me, well, Josh is more of the Scrooge) so that we have not run ourselves literally into a hole we can't get our head out of. Not to say that the large gap of student loans ahead is not formidable. BUT I will account the timing of my learning of the efficacy of credit cards and credit scores as perfect and enjoy the fact that I am not so dumb anymore. It will be a good while before I talk this language of credit fluently and master the art of automatic transfers and watching more than one statement, online even, from more than one bank. It does feel good to know that as our experience in finances grows so is our knowledge too, and a bit of the desire to figure it all out.

And if you are wondering - the current self-smart financial book that has spurred this all is "The 10 Commandments of Money" by Liz Weston

Pretending

It has been gorgeous weather in AZ recently which has made for a lot of play time outdoors. Yesterday, while making dinner I had the screen door open and was just listening to the game that the kids were playing. I love eaves dropping on them, it proves rather insightful. I knew they were playing house from the initial jockeying of titles - 'No I am the Momma and you are the big son.' The most insightful part was actually asking them afterward what they were doing.

I love my kids, and am super happy that they are intelligent and articulate, it makes moments like this so meaningful:

Me: Hey kiddos, what were you playing outside just now?

Faith: (while casually kicking up one leg and balancing against the counter) We were playing family.

Me: Oh, what kind of things were your family doing?

Viv and Danny, very animated: There was a Momma and she said 'No, you are a bad choice and you will sit on spots!' and the big son runned off and did some stuff before he came home. And then the Daddy was at work....

Me: (grasping at details that were a bit convoluted) It sounds like your family was not very happy and that maybe your momma was mean.

Faith: (matter of factly) She is a mean momma.

Me: Oh (insert sad face), do you think that I am a mean momma and that is why your pretend momma is so mean?

Faith (after a brief visual conference with her two siblings who are crawling on the counter to get drinks): No. You are a nice momma. Sometimes you make mistakes, but I know you love me.

Viv and Danny: We love you momma! You are nice.

Me: Then why is your pretend momma so mean?

Faith: Because....(exhagerated pause) it is PRETENDING!

I talked with the kiddos a bit more about their pretend family and our real family before they were more excited about the burritos I was making than conversation. But I got thinking about it. Parenting is a lot of pretending. To give credit where it is due - I have a pretty good handle on what is right and wrong and can teach the basics - yet, each incident is a lot of making up what rules must be best. Perhaps I did a lot of pretend play with creating weird dysfunctional families. Maybe that is the way we explore something that we are not exposed to (oh that is my prayer). I take this whole parenting gig pretty seriously and desire that my kiddos are happy and have happy influences in their lives. It does get me a little alarmed when I hear the angry pretend momma's yelling out threats. Not all of that can reasonably be just from their imagination. I wonder if my example has been too much on the grump side of the spectrum. Something to work on. Well, at least I could pretend to be a happy and energetic momma bit more. ;)

I figure they still like me- this is Faith and Danny's prefferred location for watching movies with me. It is the ultimate family squish and I don't mind.

Celebrate LOVE

Hooray Family! Thanks to this special holiday, St. Valentine's Day, I had the needed motivation to push through my tired/grump and hold a legit family home evening. We frequently have Gospel discussion so I excuse myself from the formality (seeings how I have to do it by me onsies since Josh is absent evenings). I recognize the importance of teaching the kiddos the primary songs at home (there is NEVER enough time or attention given to all the wonderful learning music in Primary) and the proper learning/reverence skills they need. Additionally I have been re-dedicating some time to the Eyre's parenting book focusing on moral teaching of our kiddos and patterning our parenting after the perfect Father. So, in the interest of TRUE LOVE I held a short family home evening. The bulk of time was spent on learning a song and then making Valentines, but the scriptures were there (I love love Danny's eagerness to have his scriptures with him whenever I am reading or teaching from them, he LOVES the scriptures) and a bit of understanding too.

On to the fun part. Each kid made their own version of Valentine's cards. I had just enough energy to facilitate making two a piece and then give them three pieces of tape.

The girls, of course, were more meticulous. Viv was sneakily (ie obviously) copy catting what I was doing on my cards and Faith was getting a bit discouraged by not writing the perfect S on one of her cards. Each wrote their own name on them and picked two people they really loved, although the designees changed frequently.
Danny wins for the most creative design- the wearable valentine. He taped all the hearts together and put the cut out heart on his head thus making a draping hat. This, of course, is even better than wearing your heart on your sleeve. You might even say you could be 'blinded by love.' Oh and he was proud.
Happy celebration of LOVE to all.

p.s. Grammie and Grampie this headdress was created for you, said Danny, but I just don't have the extended energy to mail it, although I am certain you would love to wear it too!

Triggers

Every child, no matter what age group, has a set of trigger words that they use with their parents. They pack these tidy little words into shooter, just waiting to give Mom that final last push over the edge to shot gun right on them. They use them for a specific reason, and usually for a specific reaction. Every mother knows the skin tingling effect of "I hate you!" or the tempering fire of "shut up!" Occasionally, a kid gets an all powerful cuss word scooped up from the playground to regurjitate at the most opportune moment. It is mind boggling where, how, and why kids use this technique. Most simply put - it is effective. And heaven forbid they just limit it to words, but the rest is a whole other subject.

Viv's arsenol is extremely extensive. The lethal potency of her triggers is that they cannot be wholly ignored. Thus, she will get a reaction. In the beginning it was a daily, hourly, secondly struggle with physical and emotional outbursts. Now, it has switched to mental. Inside her little brain are all the repulsive rejected memories of her past that now are finding meaning in words. Her words come from her past and we do need to address that. It certainly a test of parenting to know how to react appropriately to each situation. I have to, but what will be the best way to avoid it again in the future? I rely a lot on 'gut feeling' or more specifically named 'divine inspiration.'

This weeks' re-set has been different than most because, at four years old, Viv can definately process the finality of things. She has been going down the ladder of behavioral triggers honing in on those that are enough to get attention but not get in too much trouble. Oh, it is draining. Sunday is a whole new hay-day with all sorts of new adults to pull into her array of traps. We keep a good eye on her and finally, after seeing that we caught her on each one, she was willing to give on the dumb stuff. She swung fast to the positive side and such radical change doesn't bode well either. Out came the bullet at lunch, over a casual bite of quesidilla.

"Momma....what does alcohol do to our bodies?"

Ugh. We know that at some point it was described to Viv that she was not with her bio mom because of alcohol. She is the only of our children that knows that word. Yes, we teach them of harmful substances and they even can identify cigarettes, but alcohol is a past specific word. Within the pause or recognition of what she was saying I knew this needed a grave response. I asked Viv to give me a few minutes to think about my answer to that question because it was one that was actually very serious and continued to clean up the lunch fixings. With clear mind I was able to sit down, meaningfully, in front of Viv and tell her not only what alcohol did to our bodies, but that it had done some harm to her in the past, and with most sincerity, it would not again do such harm.

In that little micro-discussion I watched her eyes turn from the emptiness that accompanies the insatiable need for attention to awareness. That same black cover she put over the light in her eyes is the one that covers out a lot of the sadder reasons she is turning off the lights. The awareness ripped away the curtains and it became real. It was only a moment of clarity, another glimmer of future hopes, yet it made room for a bit of light back in her eyes. Even in the hour since its occurence her motives have been less confusing to us all and a bit more peace resonates, even through difficult times.

I can't say she fired a blank. That trigger blew straight to the heart, yet, with the miraculous changing power of Jesus Christ has healed our hearts.

My 'Kweation'

The kids have been the most excited builders recently! I love it! With extreme pride they will often run into the kitchen after some quite time spent in the guest room to exclaim "Momma, come look at my creation!" (Danny, like his father has a bit of trouble with his Rs right now, hence it comes out 'kweation')

They have even created a new game surrounding their creations. It is called "Surprise Creation."

It goes something like this; the parent or other child is instructed to go in another room and do their work while the builders work meticulously on something extraordinary involving blocks, lincoln logs, legos, or the combination of all of them. Then, when satisfied with the end result, the come find the working party and say "cover your eyes, it is ready!" I am then led by their little hands into the room, eyes covered or closed, until they stop me and say "Open them and see!" followed by "TA-DA!!!" The best part of the game is how excited they are by my reaction. And boy is it worth it to be impressed. Out flows the most animated description of what all has been built and to what purpose. Today my favorite was jail that was built with two bells - the tall one said 'time to go' in a deep voice, then the small one said 'time to go' in a small voice, and there was a pink chair in the middle of the compound for the mayor to sit in. What a hands on judicial system, the mayor right there overseeing the prisoners! The kids were uncertain as to what the prisoners had done to be put in jail, but it was determinate that it was a bad thing.

This creation was made one Sunday afternoon by Josh and Danny then Danny spent a good half an hour just looking at it and giggling at how magnificent it was.

Happiness Project: Prosperity

No, amidst everything else I have not thrown the Happiness Project to the wayside. It is what keeps me expanding my mind and my viewpoint, and I feel absolutely inspired by this month's topic! After a bit of research, I think there is just one major shift I would like to make in a movement toward a happier better person this month:

Redefine for myself and my family our views of wants and needs.

Although the guiding researching thought of prosperity is finances, as I think more on it I feel more inclined to realize that it is not just the money that defines the wealth, but the perception. Josh and I have always been blessed to be able to cover our needs. We have been exceedingly blessed in fulfilling too many of our wants. We have also a very healthy disdain for debt. Yet, on the wealthy spectrum, I have not yet become really good at recognizing my position. I forget where we have come from, take advantage of where I am, and am continually looking for the future. Financially speaking, that is idiotic!

If I look back at when we were first married and the budget that we had - I very literally laugh. Meager is an apt description. BUT, it was great. We were happy. In truth, we didn't feel any more pinched in our budget than we do now. My mindset back then fit out situation. I would like to say that my mindset now fits my situation, but in truth, I have become greedy. Good news is - I get to try again!

The more I think about this move, the more excited I get. Josh and I are of the same mind as to our goals and our revitalized perspective. We will downsize even though he is getting a significant raise. Thing is, if you start something one way, you never know the difference. You can make yourself believe the truth of any situation. If we start out not thinking we are affluent, than we can continue. That is.....if we continue to choose so.

Here is my new revelation. When we moved here, started Josh's first job out of grad school, we were living meagerly. But it was great! I convinced myself that I liked our small apartment and enjoyed not having as much 'stuff' to manage. I believed it too, that is until the SWAT team showed up. Yet, if we can similarly move into something small than I will enjoy it! Also, managing less home allowed me to find more resources such as libraries, museums, etc to visit and enjoy. Also, living meager forced me to think outside the box on our 'necessities.' I joined co-ops and found really good thrift stores.

So who's to say that if we don't just move to Indiana, get a small house, already have scoped out the thrift stores and co-ops that I won't have already set us up with some serious prospering advantages! Thank heavens I am thinking of it now so that I can change some of my creeping spendiferious habits now.

And yes, I will be making changes now such as :

1- actually utilizing all the cool things on Quicken that is set up to help me that I have neglected (hey, at least last time I went through this phase of financial learning I got pretty far there, I am a slow learner, baby steps).

2- Also I can get stellar ideas of how people are voluntarily living the simple life to spice things up for me again (I have instituted several ideas from the 'No Impact' movement but became extremely lax during the difficult foster times).

3- Set my mind in a mode of 'plenty' not scarcity. When I look at my shoes I can think 'I have plenty' instead of 'I don't have ___type of shoes" or I can see my healthy kiddos and think 'I have plenty' and pass on $5 to St. Jude's foundations in thanks for those spiffy return address labels they send.

I do believe it a righteous endeavor to pursue wealth in all realms of life, including finances. The Lord has promised that if we do keep His commandments He will prosper us in the land. I do wish to cash in on that promised blessing most in part for the blessing of happiness that will come with the mindset of 'properity' which is a mindset of 'blessed.'

Copperstar Presents - The King and I

No More Fighting

With extreme gratitude in my heart I can say that the fight for Viv is over. Monday in court the motion was ordered for termination of all parental rights and adoption. I am even more grateful for how it all ended.

The months leading up to this particular trial have been rather more agonizing that the regular hearings that I have attended in the past year as the foster mother of Viv. After we hit the year mark we knew that significant things would happen, we just didn't know how hard it would pull on our heart and on our family. Viv's biological mother has been in and out of this story, more out than in, for the full 17 months. In November, when she popped back into the plot after nearly 6 months of nothing, everything shifted. I have described early how that last 10 minute entry destroyed so many hopes. I remember being so angry and have carried a great deal of animosity toward her over the past three months. I thank God that yesterday that was all lifted.

Josh and I both approached this trial with great anxiety. A lot of our family future was hinging on the decision that would be made on February 6th, 2012. The only surety we knew of regarding Viv is that we were not going to leave her or give up the fight unless someone made us. That could have meant seperating our family as Josh moved to his new job and I needed to stay in Az for....whatever. The sale of our home, the timing of the move, the stability of our darling brown eyed-girl all tinged on it. Viv has been resilient to so many of the uncertainties, but the confusion was wearing on her. Never, during all our closed door worrying did we admit to any of the kids that our family might be in jeopardy. To them, this IS our family: Momma, Daddy, Faith, Viv, Danny.

I get jittery even approaching a court house. I absolutely hate conflict. I do not like anything having to be said that may be hurtful regardless of how necessary. Again, I was shocked out how strickingly different my feelings were as I left the court house yesterday. It was not so in the beginning though! We came early (Josh had the day off work cuz had planned on going to Disneyland but misplaced the court date as a Tuesday not Monday) and watched as each player in the proceedings arrived. I knew I would not be at ease until our former case manager Rita arrived, the one who new everything. She had called to let me know last week that even though she had removed herself from the case when she was promoted, she would still take care of this hearing and was the main witness for CPS. What a Godsend.

Rita arrived first, followed by another supportive figure, our liscencing worker. I had already seen our attorney around and new everything was set to go. Then arrived the biological mother. I get so nervous about seeing her. As a person I do wish the best for her, yet as the person that has allowed so much agony to happen to an innocent child that I love, I am beyond frustrated with her. I am sure she approaches meetings with me with as much trepidation, although I have never asked. I smile and nod at her. She wants to say kind and loving things but I just can't bear to hear them - they only translate as "I'm selfish and un-understanding of what I am doing." I sat with my back to her. She made small talk with our lisencing worker, who was better at being cordial than I. The liscencing worker indicated that she helped Josh and I, which opened the door for bio mom to officially meet Josh. He shook hands. She did her preliminary explination "I really love my daughter. I so want her with me. I am doing my best. I know I have made mistakes....." I rolled my eyes, expecting the litany of excuses and refused to face that conversation again. She rounded it off with " And I know you love her to and that she is happy with you based on the pictures you have sent. She is well." Josh nodded and then turned away, likely unable to respond judiciously without revealing our heavy disdain for the situation. Within a few moments an Aunt to Viv came over to introduce herself. She seemed more sympathetic, healthy and aware. Again, I could only shake hands before averting my eyes, Josh engaged a bit more (I am so grateful for his support this day, I couldn't have faced it alone). She asked after Viv. Josh replied in the positive. She bowed out gracefully after the first awkward pause with "I just wanted to introduce myself and know you."

The tensions got a bit higher as the bio's attorney finally was released from another court appointment in the hall and took his client into conference (assumably that he had not talked to her at all since the last court date). After 20 minutes of people passing time with mini conferences as the bios conferred the Judge did order everyone to the courtroom.

Judge McNally expressed that she was anxious to begin since there was limited time for the trial and she did not want it wasted away if there were testimonies to be heard. She asked for legal parties to state their name for the record. As those pronounced themselves and it came to the end, the bio's attorney, he quickly added to his name and position "I find it in the interest of the court to interject now and make it known that my client has expressed, after conference with family, and upon her own choice that she no longer wishes to contest the motion for severence and termination."

Jaws in the room dropped. Although the judge was a bit more descreet, her surprise, and relief, was also evident. She asked the attorney if he felt that he had had time to fully explain to his client the full gravity of that decision and gave him a 5 minute recess to confirm it. The rest of us were left stunned in the room. All I could think was, NOW? After all this, now you say 'uncle'? Where would we have all been today had you not decided that months ago? Yet, with that same exasperation came, Wow. She finally did it. The fight is over. The fight is over.

As attorney and client returned to the room the judge made sure that all parties were settled with the decision. She further questioned bio mom to make sure she was sound of mind and body to make the decision without force or bribe. Then, without contest, CPS presented their case to the judge to have ruling for full termination of parental rights and move to adoption. During that testimony Josh and I learned a lot about the bios history and a few more details of the case. We will hopefully be able to share all that information in a timely and appropriate manner with Viv to help her make her own decision never to seek out that noxious past. Just as we are allowing her to process things on her own now and on her own level.

Motion for termination was granted and we left. Somewhere during all that testimony I began to feel something toward bio that I had hoped I might feel as a Christian but had struggled a long time with - charity. When she expressed via her attorney that because of her willing decision to not contest that perhaps it would sway things in the direction of a not completely closed adoption. I considered her viewpoint. She had made a choice for the benefit of her child, regardless of how delayed, and hoped to have confirmation of that hope through the years. I thought, that may be possible.

With relief, and even a bit of charity we left knowing that Viv is now ours. There are more legalities and more questions coming ahead, but for now, we are letting it sink in peacefully that this is our family. We did have one final interruption on Wednesday when we allowed Viv the customary 'goodbye visit.' I figured that Viv had been resiliant thus far to the reinstated weekly visits and that if we did not make a big fuss about this one being any different than it wouldn't be. It would be significant for bio mom, and we would probably get a lot of junk sent home, but it would be the end.

That final visit did open up a few questions more with Viv and I am grateful that I was the one transporting her that day to field those conflicting questions. Her questions now are more about understanding what family is and how it will remain. We have made it clear she will never see her bio mom again. Initially when Viv joined our family we explained it as a safety issue, that she was with us because the police said she needed to be in a safe place. Now we have evolved to explaining that she will never see bio again because she did what she needed to do as part of Viv's life, that was to carry her in her belly and then make sure Viv got to our forever family. Astoundingly, with that carefully crafted statement on my part, Viv then lined out all the events her in short yet dynamic life to fit that storyline. I felt that she was comforted and calmed by her own conclusions. I hope she is. I know more questions will come, but for now, she has resolved what she needs in her little heart.

I am grateful for the perfect timing of a loving Father in Heaven that brought us to AZ just for this perfect time to recieve our daughter into our family. We see now how perfectly that window of time has been crafted and are glad that we will be moving soon. We know it is best that we can go elsewhere, free from past memories or associations, to solidify and build our family now as it should be. What adventures come next, we don't know, but at least for now, the fight is over for our dear Viv and we can just love her and hold her as our own.

Me and the King

Show's not over yet folks, but here are some bits of the best.
Me and the King

Schoolroom dress
Arrival frock

That is 3 of my 7 changes, oh so fun!

Amazing Creation

There are little moments in my day that I get overwhelmed with how amazing a creation the human body is. Fantastic! That moment came this morning while mopping. It registered for a second that it was amazing that I just mopped that spot off the floor - two feet away from my eyeballs, with the mop attatched to my hand that actually blocks my view of the spot. How'd I do that? Depth perception. Hand/Eye coordination. Skills. Amazing.

Please laugh, I am

This was the one photo captured recording my race last Saturday. Boy, don't I look the poster child of a happy runner! Big thanks to modern technology that breaks right when you need just one decent picture with my eyes open, maybe, even.

Hanging out the Laundry

I have stopped myself several times this past week from posting things that are important to me, important enough to occupy my thoughts on several cycles. But I stopped - on the impractical impulse that it wasn't practical.

I have wanted to rave about how wonderful it feels to be working on a significant part such as Anna in the 'King and I.' I love getting to know her as a character and reading about her as a real life person. She was amazing....although still a little bit unclear on her whole 'true' story....but how fun to have someone interesting enough to emulate. Not on through stage, but through life. Anna Leonowens stood up for things she felt strongly about, strongly enough to upset a king in a foreign country, and gentle enough to teach children in a way that it would change their heart, and their country forever! She taught with conviction and love on so many levels. I really really want people to come and see my show. I want them to get to know her, and, I would really like people around here to get to know a little bit more about me. I hushed this rush of thought becuase I didn't want to sound like I was selfish and putting in a plug for me or my show--- but it keeps coming around. Heck, people, I am a good actress and this is a really good part. I am thrilled we are opening this weekend.

The next cycling thought has been about negativity. Not negative itself, just a recognition of negativity and its prevelance as a whole in our society. How absolutely ugly is it that there has developed a social acceptance of negativity, almost to the end of being good. Good - bad, Bad- Good. People are confused. Two specific examples, although rather shallow sources, have given me a whole mouthful of food for thought. One being the current season of "The Biggest Loser." I had gotten quite addicted to the show last month and watched while I was doing workouts on the treadmill during a couple of weeks of afternoon running. I love seeing positive changes in peoples' lives! I love it when we can celebrate as a collective group someone who is working hard and changing their life. And then....this season 'No Excuses' has gotten so wrapped up in competition, probably to drive the network numbers, that it has spoiled everything. Oh it is no fun at all! No one can even be happy for themselves for doing good because it was not better than someone else. Grrrr. Why did they ruin one of the few positive reality shows left! So I am bummmed about that, which got me thinking of how sad it is that the absolute most disgusting things are taking over the collective mind of this country.

The cycle of warring against negative came to a fast spiral on Tuesday of this week when I had a very unexpected note on my windshield. Oh how I wanted to rant about this very rude little reminder of the selfish impulse of society to take out their anger on others. I fought and fought the impulse to point the universes finger right back at that person for their sincere and blatant negativity to an unknown stranger, who happened to be me that day. I have collected my thoughts over and over again regarding that little note and concluded to myself over and over again that no one needs to know. Surely it would give me great satisfaction for all the rest of the readers in this blogosphere to know how RUDE she was and to back me up in my unnerved response back. But then we would all just be riding on the same dung heap. I know it doesn't make me better to put anyone else down, or to even respond in a manner even the slightest bit less than graceful. I stopped the negative post on two principles; understanding and Christianity.

More than anything else, I strive in my life to live as Jesus Christ would. Not only is he the perfect Son of God, he really is the perfect example. I relate so many times to the accounts in the scriptures where people said just the slightest negative things in his presence and how it truly would have hurt, yet he responded with grace and understanding. Isn't that what we all wish would happen, that maybe someone would look at you and really try to understand where you are coming from. Maybe if they even just asked for clarification now and then. How validated would we all feel?! How wonderful would it be to know that just anyone was willing to give an ounce of care for a minute of understanding. That nasty note came from a minute of misunderstanding, but I could place myself in her hypothetical shoes and realize how annoyed I might have been to have a grubby old mini-van sckooched up a bit too close to my extra large vehicle and how that may make it difficult to move on swiftly with my day. Certainly I can understand the feeling of 'the last straw' falling on the heap. Now, I can say I am sorry that I parked a bit too close and didn't take the time to maybe readjust my entrance into that parking space. On that day, I would have appreciated the same care from some other stranger (like her even).

I wish, hope, ache, and pray daily for a bit more positivity and understanding in this world. Couldn't we just go back to the morality of old? What is so out-dated about courtesy? I get scared in this world to send my kids into, to walk out the door into, even to walk into a Christian church and meet it. Negative is prevailing and I am wailing! Let's give each other a break and just be nice for a change! Why does it have to be so hard to give a compliment, or to even receive one gracefully! And I know it is hard, I struggle with it too. Yet it is fight worth staying on the right side.

There has been a lot of fight in my recently. Things are absurdly crazy around here. I have thought of updating the world on the endless painting of walls to a 'neutral' that has blocked out the homey of my house. Discussing the futility of paying for new carpet in a home in the last watch. Each day I face the ugliness of worrying about court dates and trials and psychological damage done to undeserving children. Wowzers. Isn't it ludicrous how much my mind has been reeling lately.

So I have sighed, let pandora out of the box, and hung out a bit my laundry to the world. Thoughts roll around in our minds like clothes in a dryer sometimes and I have had one too many 'fluff' cycles for these thoughts.