Harnessing the Power of the Sun

At a dinner party, a friend recently raved about a new machine she had bought for laundry. It was 100% 'green' and eco-friendly. It saved loads on her energy bill and was super easy to operate. As expected, all the guests' interests were piqued. The asked her to show them this wonder clothes dryer. She explained that it could only be installed in the back yard because it was completely solar powered. If they were interested before, they were baffled now. In a procession, they marched outdoors. The unveiling of the new machine was near comical in it's simplicity. One single rope strung across the back yard.

This story is all the more comical to me because it is not my story. A friend related it to me because she new that I only air-dried my clothes. Nope. Not a dryer. In Arizona, why would you have one? Ah yes, I have heard the reasons most commonly topped with convinience. Yet, I have not felt any need to switch my gears back to gizmos. When hung right, not only do our clothes get dry, they are ironed in Arizona.

Today I further rejoiced in the extreme temperatures of my current home. For the second annually I did a couch cushion purification. The easiest way to clean my micro-fiber: a little pre-spot, some scrubbing, a hose and the sun. They smell 'line fresh' and have been so finely baked that I am ceratin that all bacteria that might have been hiding within are long incenerated. When I looked out the window at the cushions facing the sun I couldn't help but think of them as micro-solar panels sucking the energy of the sun to fuel my home. Either that or there was a really riveting backyard concert by a famous couch going on in the eastern sky.

Another harnessed energy of the sun: smiles. My kiddos can play in the cool of the hose water and have their vitamin D and fresh air quotas met all while having fun! How's that for beating out multi-vitamins. As an added bonus, the sun takes back some of their energy and once inside there is a glorious naptime. Of course, it might be wise to invest in a large pool in the future. I couldn't help enjoying the cool of their pool myself and wherever I am, they congregate. Thus, our family sardine pack. And this is just the benefit stolen from the sun in one day! Oh, if I just imagine enough 'solar powered' activities for the next month, I might survive the heat with a smile on my face too.

A Truly Competent Parent: Thoughts from Bill Gates Sr.

One of my 'smart books' this month was a quick pick from the shelf that I have heartily enjoyed. Mr. Bill Gates Sr unpresumptiously puts down a few very practical life lessons. I was hooked with his first chapter statements

"I realize I have been privelaged to meet many remarkable people who's stories might be inspiring or helpful to other people. Also, in reflecting in our families' life when our children were young, it has occured to me that our experiences might be useful or at least interesting to other families."

Right on. We learn from each other. There are some that have learned more from more people, thus we give them a degree for having studied in one particular topical area, but they are at essence just learning from others as well.

I am most enjoying learning from a good man who tried his best to be a good man. Particularly a good parent.

"For example, reflecting on my own experience raising a family, I think about how parents most of us try to feel our way through the challenges that come with being married and raising children. We have very little formal training of those roles, and they are two of the most difficult and important things we'll ever undertake."

With that I could not agree more. I was discussing with a girlfriend recently how there are to be a different set of 'generals' required in college to get your associates. I certainly appreciate that we should have a dabbling in all the science and a general understanding of math. Yet, I am certain a course in Interpersonal Relationships would be more useful to many people than geology or astrology. A course in Early Childhood Development and Parenting would be better than just general psychology. Most certainly a course in Personal Finance and Debt Management would be more useful that calculus. I would not, however, change the Fine Arts requirement, I know that a vast majority of students in college would otherwise never see a real theatrical performance and head to the cinema.

Just as such, this is why I am doing my best to catch up now on all that I didn't learn in college. I rely heavily upon what I learned from my parents; that slow seeping of knowledge that came just from living with them for 18 years and having them as parents. I have gleaned from other exemplary people around me. And finally, I am being a much better researcher myself. Bill Gates said "So my advice to those who are considering becoming parents is to make every effort to make your performance in that role count. Show up as a parent by learning everything you can about parenting. Show up by thinking carefully about the kind of parent you want to be and what it will take to achieve that goal. Becoming a truly competent parent might be the most important work you ever do."

His sentiments have been echoed in many prophets, all of which have been poignant for me. It is really nice to hear a good person recognize, outside of a 'God's plan for man' format, how important our role as parents is. Even though the writing is not particularly the best, I have continued reading Mr. Gates' book out of great respect for a man who has recognized many of life's lessons before his life is over. I hope to be equally insightful as a person, and mostly as a parent.

The book is

Showing Up for Life by Bill Gates Sr.

Feeling Amateur; a personal lament

Monday evening I went to another audition. I completely bombed it. This, I will take as a further learning experience. However, I can't help but kick myself over and over again at having failed so easily. I know I am no professional yet, it is the frustration of knowing that at some point I have been clued in to how to better pursue my passion and then just being dumb that kills me.

My partial devotion to my passion for acting is quite the thorn. Having been so very busy pursuing 'real' goals, I always halfway pursued my passion. I acted in high school, probably more for the reason that there were few others that took it seriously or cared to be on stage in our high school so I got good parts. Then in college I continued to dabble. I used my side passion of theatre as an excuse that I wanted to someday write plays so I needed the exposure whereas I was really a serious English major. Despite having a minor in theatre on my official transcript and having taken all the classes required for such, I walked away from all those classes with only a half belief in what I could really do.

Without being overly pompous I can admit that I have some natural skill and ability as a thespian. I just never took myself seriously. Therefore no one else can really take me seriously. Thus I have landed a lot of fun roles. Thing is, I can do the big ones and a few insightful directors have given me some big chances. I work hard and do a good job. I have gotten enough feedback to believe in myself more.

The wedge in the works is that acting is still only a hobby. I am a serious homemaker and mother. I am afraid to just embrace being a serious actress and perhaps the failure of giving it my complete effort and still falling on my face. I had a bad audition on Monday, but I can blame that on not having enough prep time or getting there late because the babysitter was late and not being focused because of a lot of other reasons. I gave myself the crutch.

In conjunction with my new sense of what happiness comes from truly trying new and difficult things I am going to take the bull by the horns. I am going to take an audition workshop and give myself ample time before every audition to prepare. I am going to get some specific voice lessons for audition music so I can walk into a singing audition with confidence for the first time ever. I want to show what I really have. I want to find what I really have. I certainly will remain amateur for a long time, but at least I can be really good at it instead of half-baked. Change is challenging, and good.

He's all boy

Funny how I hardly noticed what Danny was doing to me while working on the computer. He was singing one of his calming jynxes I am sure, so I didn't notice.

But given a piece of rope, a boy will surely tie you up. He managed to get it through my watch and my wrist and then tie it up. An ingenious way to pull Mom away from the computer.

Little helpers

I so love that my Josh allows the kids to help with any project he does. Good thing because they insist on being underfoot as it is. We have learned if you just let them participate for a minute then they loose interest and leave you alone, however if you deny them the opportunity they want it more. It is a pretty familiar pattern to all of us, wanting what you can't have. So why not give in? The kiddos have certainly been invovled in our remodeling things. The particularly like painting. Josh gave each of them a large t-shirt of his and no big deal.
You'll notice that Faith has the genetic tounge sticking out while concentrating gene.

Finished product: cool antique writing dest. The legs show you the chipped white that it was. Josh had to sure up some parts on the top and sand down a lot of water damage on top so we decided to paint it the red I had discarded from the laundry room. I love it! What an eclectic addition to our living room furniture; I love accent pieces.

almost complete

Happily, the overwhelming mess of a slight remodel in our home occupied my thoughts well enough that I have not noticed the blaring heat outside. Now I notice how lovely it is to have my home just the way I want it. We painted the kitchen a new 'cool' blue that has significantly changed the feel in the kitchen. The orange of before wasn't bad, it just didn't feel quite as inviting or cozy, ironically because orange is supposedly in the 'warm' color family. Yet, this blue has felt much more homey.
I also reconfigured the kids' creative area yet again. Josh is wondering why I am constantly changing their play areas. In short - it creates something new and exciting to entertain them. Plus, their development is so rapid. It is so very nice that they are all close in age so I can just move the areas to accomodate their stages currently. Now it is all about coloring. After having the kitchen floor constantly littered with paper that they colored a corner of then disgarded, it was time for a more reusable coloring alternative. If only crayola made washable dry-erase markers.


That lovely large mirror to the right of my oh so good son is where a door used to be. That was the coat closet. Now it is a wall. Behind Danny you can see all the way through to the kitchen. Before you could only see wall. What happened to the coat closet?
Ah, that is what happened to the coat closet. We opened it up from the back which happens to be right into the laundry room, creating the space needed for a freezer! We had crammed a chest freezer and the clothes washer in there before with very little room, or light, making laundry day a darkening chore.
we are still working on the tile top for the folding table but I love hoe happy and room-ish the laundry area is now. Yes, yellow is my happy color and I figured I needed to make laundry one of the happiest tasks of my day, since I get to do it so frequently.
View from kitchen thru to the laundry.
Pantry custom shelving! I makde the bottle shelves floor to ceiling and they now house all my bottles. I love seeing exactly what I have and perhaps what I ought to replenish or cut back on. Best of all, no wasted 2 feet of space up top!
The greatest genius of the whole project was the epiphany to get adjustable shelving for the other pantry items. Hoorah! I believe every pantry I have ever lived with has frustrated me in that you cannot put a big box of cereal upright on the fixed shelving. So now, I just fix the shelves to match what it holds. The corner shelving unit from IKEA has industrial lazy suzans that can hold up to 90lbs each. Again, floor to ceiling shelfs. It is glorious to have my food in view again. This arrangement also makes food storage inventory super easy. I may not have a ton of space for food storage (all to common in new built homes, where is the storage room?) but I am determined to make the best of what I do have.

That was my last LARGE home project. The last little stuff shouldn't take so much money. Of course I will continually be changing, part of who I am, but oh am I happy having that pantry and laundry room made into more usable spaces.

July, it will fly

No, I have not neglected the Happiness Project quite yet. June was good learning month. In retrospect, I should have been more focused, but the daily thought and effort was sufficient enough to help boost happiness. I just kept looking at everything with a happiness tinge and got off track a bit with "Just do it!" Upon review, I will continue to work on

1 'keep moving' meaning I need to keep up my pace throughout the day and get things done, I always feel tired as I lay down, and accomplished.

2- I need Josh's help to get to bed early.

3- I hit off a lot of the big tasks but need to be better about the little shining cleaning things.

4- Some exercise is better than no exercise.

5-Being outside is awful in Arizona right now, but I will do more to bring outside in.

As for the beginning of July goals, I have been a bit distracted this first half of the month with the following:
My girls absolutely loving the Americanna they met in person. This gal was not one of the roman riders but was so very sweet to let them adore her up close.
Danny went punk for the paradeAnd fireworks just about made their heads explode with patriotic glee. Ah, vacation.

Not that I had forgotten the goal to be happy while on vacation it was just easier. The bonus being that this month I am working on "Joyful Moments; Wholesome Recreation." I have had my list of desired improvements all month long but will now be logging my progress in five specific areas:

1- 8/8/8 log: “Life is best enjoyed when time periods are evenly divided between labour, sleep and recreation. All men, women and children should labour; all must sleep; and if mental and physical balance is to be maintained, all people should spend one-third of their time in recreation which is rebuilding, voluntary activity - never idleness. ‘Eight hours work, eight hours sleep, and eight hours recreation’ was Brigham Young’s motto.” The Life Story of Brigham Young

2- “Homey” Home: singing house, creative fun, tidy yet creative, joyful noises and happy words, cozy spaces, family togetherness and learning; try new games; make all things play

3- Develop and Diversify - enrich on all levels; “Recreation and diversion are as necessary to our well-being as the more serious pursuits of life. There is not a man in the world but what, if kept at any one branch of business or study, will become like a machine. Our pursuits should be so diversified as to develop every trait of character and diversity of talent.” Brigham Young

4-Renew: use leisure time (or atmosphere) to renew MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT

5- Enjoy loved ones - family outings, group activities with friends, fun dates, stop in and visit more, create gatherings

Lemons and Gold Stars: Parenting More

This afternoon we, the kids and I, went to a three year old birthday party across the street. The party was themed around the revived classic "Strawberry Shortcake." As some of the original fans remember, Strawberry Shortcake had a whole band of sweet friends, including Lemon Meringue. In honor of all the big headed darlings, the host has prepared a fruit tray to represent all of them. Even if lemons were not the best addition to the sweetness of the tray, it was irresitable. I put a slice on each of our kids' plates just to see what they would do.

I may interject at this moment to say that the morning up to the point of a party lunch had been rather sour. Viv was having a rough day. By 'rough' I mean insanely out of whack. As is usual with her, she has switched up her attention getting game to choose the negative consequence in order to get more attention. I was doing my best to adapt to this newest development and appropriately respond to the maniacle behavior. I wasn't succeeding. When Viv's brain turns off, it is fully and completely shut down. How do you get through? Faith was equally testy this morning. If she were not only four years old I might say she was under the influence of the female hormonal rollercoaster. Unlike Viv, Faith's motives are pretty clear, she is just not thinking. Add the two together with a house remodel and my involvement in repainting the kitchen and it was insanity.

I had played all my cards and had one last bargaining chip - the birthday party. By 9am (the party was scheduled for 1pm) Viv had run the gammut. It took all the holy angels and visions of CPS intervention to keep me for swatting that girl into the next galaxy. Faith held out the big guns until 11am. Mind you, this was a building storm. Since return from vacation Wednesday our adjustment has been crude. I have had more reaffirming talks about the 5 basic rules of our family in 3 days than ever before - as if they had never heard me say "No shutting doors" before in their life. I have been trying better patient and loving parenting with sitting and explaining and showing how much I love them and want them to be safe, which now I see may have been my undoing. I showed them my weakness - that I actually cared about the rules. If I care then they can prick at the heart.......oh......

One last slam of the bedroom door and I went to confront the perpetrator, who of course was Faith, being the only one near the door. I bent down to her level putting my face next too hers with the authoritative mommy questioning face. Did I need to ask at this point? Her response; a quick flash of a mischevious eye and a swift slap to my face. My daughter not only struck me in defiance, she slapped me in the face. I slapped her back. Not my proudest moment. It was impulse and the time had come for immediate feedback. I was further embarrassed that it happened to be in the doorway right in front of the hired help so they witnessed it, not that the conscience of a chirping cricket didn't sing loud enough to my sin.

I hastily moved Faith to her upper bunk and looked, stunned, at her. What had just happened? And how was I now the bad guy? Yes, Faith had already changed that glint into her eye to the dullness and hurt of betryal. Was this my fault? No. How dare you, you little....where did you learn this manipulative trick to deny your guilt? Grrrr.....I will deal with you later. No, better do it now. I carried Faith to the living room to talk with her. At least she listened behind those poisoned eyes. The clarion blue of her innocence was tinged. I hoped the hue would dissapate while honestly talking with her, but it wasn't happening. Time for pennance and the last chip: clean every bit of your room or you are not going to the party.

11:30am and I leave Faith wailing disparraging protests about cleaning her room and Viv in the corner repeating over and over "I will make good choices" (I hoped that maybe repetition might kick the brain in gear. Amazing, however, how mindlessly that girl can operate. Bad wiring). I take a shower, get ready and come out to the same moment in time. Only difference, Danny has peed his pants, a normal response of his to the raging seas around him. He is a good good boy. I get him changed. I release Viv from her cornered standoff and set her to help Faith finish. I tell the girls that I will be taking Danny to the party and then return to see how they are progressing with room. Danny and I walk out the door, hand in hand.

Just as I am about to explain to my neighbor across the street why Danny is the only one at the door with me and that the girls are having a har.....my front door flings open and the impassioned wails of desperate four year old come from mounting from across the road. A moment strikes me that Faith is not going to stop to look for cars before she crosses the street and I worry a bit. "I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY!" I halt her before reaching the party door and turn her back to our prison. (ironic that just last night I was reading articles on how to create a more homey home, prison bars and barbed wire were not mentioned). I explain to her, and the rest of the neighborhood that I had not left her home alone, Don was there working, I was coming back to check on her status and she was NOT going to the party until she had cleaned the room. "But I almost have the room cleaned" she gasps between hysterical sobs. And you almost get to go to the party.

Sitting stoically on the bench in their room pointing out what to pick up next I wonder, what am I doing? I have to go back to the party, we are Anna's best friends. These girls are transformed and I am not on my best foot today. Onward ho! Room cleaned, Faith is mostly settled under her red swollen eyes and Viv sees a light at the end of the tunnel and thus has begun showing me her happiest face and 'I'm a good girl now!'

Now we are back at the lunch table with a lemon on each plate. To say parents do not get a bit of satisfaction out of playing 'pranks' on their kids would be wrong. My moment of justice comes. Trustingly and true, Faith takes a large bite off the end of her lemon. Her little face contorts and a pained squeal is emitted. "Momma, I don't want to eat this one. It is sour!" As I reassure her she doesn't have to eat it, momma just put it on her plate cuz....well there is where my reason runs out, a few emotions run through me. A bit of mean spirited laughter surfaces, as if Frankenstien had come to life. Then the rush of 'HA' followed by, 'UGH.' Ugh feels more like "really Nancy, what kind of a mom are you?" I know Faith has forgotten by now about the slaps, yet something is still sour.

The rest of the party, for me, was much like the expression of Faith's face. Contorted and controlled. I had to hold back Viv from participating since I couldn't keep her from the party yet needed to reinforce that there are long term consequences to choices made. Finally, a bit of a break through. Viv was getting it. I had held tight to my position painfully enough that she could tell that the 'I'm sweet now' can't cover up the hellian of one hour ago. Ai-yai-yai.

The kids began deteriorating again after 2 hours of party and it was time to face the warden again. I took a 'get out of jail free' card and popped in a movie. It was only a momentary release. Once over they were running around shouting at each other and playing the Last String Symphony. By dinner time everyone had their nose in a corner and I was breathing fire. PB&J was all I could must up to feed them and they were straight to bed. They were tired and finally saw that the casualties of this long battle were blood and it was time to lie down.

As I stood sentinel in their room until silence reigned, I read from a book that has been seeping in understanding and stirring up some remembrance. "The Manipulative Child" by Swihart and Cotter was a natural grab off the shelf in the parenting section. Even barely through the introduction lightbulbs are popping up all over the place. Their clinical examples of Margie, a under-acheiving dependent type; "Margie's world is threatening and fearful. She is constantly on guard to protect her secret.....In contrast "Kathy has learned that failure isn't the end of the world - that it's an unpleasant experience but not a catastrophe. She has learned that failure can be attributed to two things - insufficient effort or an unreasonable goal, and she has learned to distinguish between the two. She has also learned that persistence and patience are the keys to success." These were keys I needed to give to Viv, our little Margie.

I have a broader definition and ideal of what I am working with in Viv as I read a bit more of this book. This definition: "As we accepted the universality of manipulation among troubled youth, we were afforded our first glimpse of the larger pictures. These children were using manipulation to adapt to life's circumstances. Since manipulation requires the involvement of other people, it is dependent behavior. When we compared children who were doing well, the contrast was striking - this group eschewed manipulative behavior; they operated independently. Putting this all together, we arrived at an inevitable series of conclusions; There is a central cause for the epidemic; manipulation (dependency), the principal adapative strategy of troubled children, is not a result of the difficulties these children suffer, but is intimately related to the cause of their problems."

Josh and I have often called this dependency we see that happens generationally in America, particularly, as the 'entitlement epidemic.' Everyone believes that they deserve something from someone else for... just existing. It is a subject that has been mentioned from the broader pulpit. Now I have a deeper tie to what we are personally dealing with in Viv. Not only has she been raised watching this "It's not my fault" behavior, but has learned to cope with her difficult surroundings on a manipulative scale - totally dependent on feedback given by others. We have noted that in her world and feedback, even negative, is better than no feedback. Recognition is key. So we swing wildly around with how to fill that need with appropriate feedback. Today's battle was not giving in to her tug-of-war toward negative feedback. She wants to be put in time out. She wants to throw the fits. And more than anything she wants us to be upset with her. Every once in a fit, Viv gives you a little to stumble on with the 'oh but I am so sweet now' routine in the middle of a fierce battle of holding your anchor. Heels dug in the ground I sit back and think, is it safe to give a bit of positive feed back here or should I just take a set back and gain more ground?

I sat reading, pondering, with a slighter hope of a prayer in my heart that I could change something, or perhaps just I could change and the line jumped off the page "Self-esteem is a dynamic, ever-changing set of beliefs about oneself. It is manifest in a sense of personal competence, self-confidence, and worthiness. It varies from time to time and situation to situation....Self-esteem cannot be given to someone, but the skills to build it can be taught......Self-esteem is most apparent in individuals who have excellent knowledge of their own personal goals and values and live their lives in strict accordance with them." Instantly I remembered a lengthy in home session we had had with a child behavioral specialist regarding Viv during one of her longer and rougher streaks (called ambivalence in the healing stages of damaged children). Jill, the behavioral specialist, had suggest that along with the consistent visual behavioral modifiers we offered for Viv's fits we needed to offer a visual positive goal. A GOAL.

The moment of revelation was quick, and uncharachteristcally I moved quickly as well. The kids were asleep, I couldn't read past that point in the book and I needed to do what I had been putting off for months now.

I have just finished the gold star chart. The progression paths for each of our children that will help them move forward and upward toward an interactive and positive reinforced time with one of their parents. I have put it off for so long because if you have to make one, you have to make three, and that prospect was daunting. Yes, it took me 3 hours to do, but they are decent and it is a renewed try for something better. The bitter taste lingers in my heart for a 'bad mommy day' but I am moving myself forward just a little star on my own better person chart. I am trying. I will continue to try. Who knows if the charts will work. The important lesson today from the lemons was that my kids still trust me. I can learn and am willing to change. I do look forward to more better days ahead. I love my rascals, every one. We all deserve more gold stars each day, even if they are just cut out of yellow paper.