While driving, daily, to kids school, from kids school, to my school, home again, I have taken to driving with my thoughts as passenger. A dangerous pastime, I know.
Luckily my mind is in a positive spot to talk with me and the dialogue has been helpful. Here is what we have concluded:
I really love Viv. October is a month that used to be about Josh and I and our wedding, but now with Viv being nearly 7, it is even more about Viv than it was four years ago when she took over the month by storm. Viv's birthday is in....2 days. She turns 7. She is still so small and learning so much, I don't accept it well, but I enjoy her so very much. In conversation with other mothers recently they commented on the perfect family: one boy child one girl. We had that with Faith and Danny but it wasn't a perfect family. I haven't recognized as much as I ought how perfectly Viv fits in this family. She is celebrating 4 years in our family, 2 years fully adopted, and a Halloween that isn't scary to any of us. I love her intensely. She is the drama in my life - the type that you see in good movies that makes your heart leap and twist and turn and sigh. SO AMAZING!! You should see her joy and perseverance every day. I love her. I love her.
I love all my family. Family in all sorts of ways. I am fighting academically right now to recognize the struggles that we go through within families as significant as a 'master narrative.' Why do I need society on the outside too? I have a future with fighting in this arena - families are communities. Families are where identity starts and ends. Self is represented in all sorts of social contexts but it is permanently influenced by family. I just gotta get more serious about writing out all these thoughts.
I don't like being told no. If it is for my safety, say no. Otherwise, don't limit me. Don't tell me I can't have it, or become that, or dream it. Don't tell me that. I've been constrained enough. If God wants me to reach my full potential, who are you to tell me I don't have it in me? Give me a chance, and don't underestimate what I can do. I am amazing. And so are you; so take your own advice.
Life is about choices. We all make them and I would argue when know when we are making them. We way the cost and then we just go for it. I have a a pretty strong base for the choices I make but still find myself calling myself into question sometimes. I make mistakes. I am okay with that. I am not rationalizing when I make my choices or evaluate the choices I have made.
I am in charge of my own body. I don't like pharmaceuticals. They make my brain not my own. If I can't communicate clearly with my brain, I'm in trouble. I have physical limitations; it is really hard to hurt. Hurting is not all bad as long as I am comfortable mentally. Always good to feed the body and the mind and make connections with people.
Okay. I was hoping that I could get the writing juices going because I need write a dialogue paper in the next hour and a half. So here's my non-academic voice, at least I can use that in the upcoming paper....
