Bucket List

This is the be gone year. Today marks my twenty-ninth birthday, or truly my thirtieth year. Couldn't even put out the numbers numerically, spelling them makes it a bit better. So, it has come to this; once I hit the bit 3-0 I hear my body detrioriates at a more rapid rate and I must really be an adult. So I have got to live it up while I can. I have found, in lieu of some personal new years' resolutions, it is time to make sure I get a few of those precious times left in my twenties. This will be a deciding year - go big or go home!!

1-Run an official marathon That is race bib, aid stations manned by someone else than me and a start and finish that doesn't move based on my mood. I have trained for plenty, even gone the distance, just never run an official race, it is time to remove that blight from my lying record. This posses a difficulty because if I am going to run that far, and actually pay to run that far, then it better be for a race that I will enjoy (using the term lightly of course because you are after all putting your body through torment for pleasure), and a race that is not on Sunday. There are only a few of those races on the planet and getting to them is yet another conundrum. Carpe 20! I will go and do.

2- Be a Star As a actress your twenties are prime time - just old enough to have good experience but still young enough to grab the young love interest role (I'd spell that in french but totally miss the mark). I could do it. I'll have to audition like crazy and really work hard, and bless my dear family, they will make sacrifices for it too. I have my eye on a couple of shows I know are coming up in the season and will do my best. Selfishly, I am willing to do what it takes this year before taking a back seat and basking in my past glory of being a really star back when I was twenty something.

3- Dance it up! In my early twenties I was occupied with being an emissary for Christ, after that I was busy trucking my way through school and sleeping in my spare time. Last time I stepped foot in a dance club I was 18 years old. Holey mackerel! I know, it is complicated now that I am married - oh contrair! I now have a chosen and desired dance partner, it is just a matter of convincing him to get out on the dance floor, or rather, staying up past 10pm to hit the night life.

4- Go on Vacation - that's right, be bold enough to leave the kids behind and take a real vacation to someplace different, adventurous, new. I would be glad to have company, only no one younger than 20 allowed, since it is a 'twenties' vacation.

5-Enjoy the classics - Must see/attend: opera, symphony, ballet, baseball, live jazz, broadway, shakespeare, grand teton, grand canyon, ocean, gone with the wind

6- Flaunt it - find that oh so feel good outfit and zing! hit the town. That includes buying that one pair of shoes that is irresistable, despite price, to complete the ensemble.

That should do it. That gets the flippant things out of the way now I can buckle down and get some real resolutions taken care of, well maybe.

While most are today putting together hopeful resolutions on this day, I am sorting through a slew of disappointing feelings. Feelings I had not anticipated feeling in the cause of doing good.

We are foster parents, which mostly boils down to me being the foster mother, which mostly boils me down to being something a bit more than the wicked witch of the west and a little more than an evil stepmother.

When it comes to fostering we all look to the children. We all sympathize with their situatioin, pity their underserved situation, and love them for being survivors. And I do love our little V and have all the very feelings that motivated us to begin this journey. But, even the 60 hours of training could not have prepared me for the internal battle.

In order to get licensed we went through the whole process and learned a great deal about the children in the system and the problems they present, the damage that has been done, and a few tools as to what we might do to help. There may have been a mention in there somewhere about how it will be emotionally taxing and discouraging, but I was filled with parental confidence and faith that this was the will of the Lord for our family. I chuckled a bit at some of the behaviors they described and muttered under my breath to Josh that our own children do that, it was really what normal children do maybe only a little enhanced. To my credit, at least in V's case, it is true. Sure, some heightened fits or defiance, but mostly nothing I haven't dealt with before.

The elephant in the room is rather what has become of me. Parenting my own to darling children has been a joy full of daily triumphs and a few frustrations, but all in all, they are well trained and enjoyable little people. I really can and do take most of the credit for that for they have been in my deliberate care since birth and I have done my best to educate myself and temper all actions with love, a genuine bonding love that came with the package deal of motherhood.

Fostering someone else's protege is mothering in a different vein. The biological parent knows they are being somewhat supplanted, the child knows this is not 'my mother' and the foster parent acutely feels that they are a poor middleman on a used car lot. I really am trying to do my best but the people on either side are festering and fuming about something most all the time. Despite my best efforts, and are they evermore concious, it is constantly compared to something else. The greatest frustration being that the comparison is to something awful percieved as good. The only good they they have ever known. Trying to convince a loyal child, strangely but very really attatched to that parent that created a situation bad enough that they child was taken from them, that my structured, calm, peaceful home is better than what they had is no small task, despite the obvious contrast. Furthermore, I am not allowed to compare it, jsut try and emphasize that we are happy to provide whatever makes them most happy. My counterpart might tear me down in her presence each week and destory any confidence I have built in that little bond I am making with the little person, but I can only smile and kindly dance around the subject of 'mother.'

Ignoring it all is less helpful that I had hoped. Distraction only works until you slow down, and confronting it is complicated. What can I change about my current situation? Get rid of the kid. Oh no, I wouldn't do that, for I have attached to her, or at least to the idea of providing some well-being for her at the moment. Could I erase the counter part and just make her my own I can't even tell if it would help. So I am struggling through. The complication of having my own children feed off the defiance , yet still goldenly they create the best example for her, has taken my natural motherhood into question as well.

I still believe on a given day I am a good mother. On a bad day I still never strike my children or deny them food or shelter. On a great day we all love each other. Most days we make it through without severe burns although a little crisp on the edges.

And where does my new years resolution come out of this? I really haven't figured out that much yet, which frustrates me. I normally love sitting down and looking through past progress and future potential. This new aspect of me is a conundrum. Well, better to have bounced around a little more of what this all means before I settle on a cause/effect or forward motion.
Any suggestions?

Christmas came to me!

I have had two lovely Christmas suprises this year already! We invited over some friends for Aubendbrot and they brought along an authentic Santa! It was absolutely perfect timing since the kids had just finished watching (the original) Miracle on 34th Street and they were prepared to pull any beard on any imposter. Bro. Gallacher was so very sweet and played it up for the whole evening. The kids, of course were on the very best of behavior, such a delight!

AND Josh was fabulous and had my piano delivered early so we could use it for Christmas caroling this year! I love my piano. We play it every day and the kids are loving touching the ivorys. I just love the music in my home, even if I have to share the bench with 1, or 2, or 3 little munchkins. Best gift I have ever gotten for sure (beat out the blender Josh got me couple years back ;))!

Stockings hung all in a row

I came on the dilemma of not having a Christmas stocking for Vivy this year. Up to this point I had not formally gotten stockings for the family, just used some gifts that had been given and such. Of course I hat things being non-matching. So, instead of just getting a stocking for Viv to match the other non-matching hand-me-downs, I was compeled to put off my other needed Christmas crafts to make a shiny new stocking for everyone in the family! Figuring that was the only way that I could continue the matching tradition each year even if we have different family members every year. And, since I always look at things and wish I had done a something different, I can hold off and put a little something more on the repeat family members each year. I am pleased and it gave me some hand stitching to do, which is my favorite.

Conglomerate Catch-up

To start off....Faith can read! Well, pretty close, she is good at just sitting down and reading to herself from the books she knows, and the best part is she understands it all. Somehow yesterday at lunch we got talking about fires and what to do if our house is on fire and Faith, from her lovely "No Dragons for Tea" knew not to go back in the house for anyone or anything but to get out. She has also learned that strangers can be dangerous, thanks to this dragon book.
Danny, well, he is cute as ever. Drinking constantly which ought to give us plenty of opportunity to work on potty training....it is coming along. He also has fallen in love with 'comfy' shorts (pictured here) or pants and will search through his drawer for them and is sad if I haven't washed them. He also loves his 'running shoes' (also pictured above) because they make him run so super fast. Mostly it is a lot of arms and huffing and puffing with his fluffly hair blowing in the wind a bit.
We had visits from cousins and the kids couldn't leave her alone for a second, even to bath. All the kids have been rather particular about their sleepwear lately, putting on only their christmas jammies. It wasn't until this past week when I got a pair of christmas jammies for myself made of the micro-fleece that I understood why. I have had to keep myself from wearing the same pajamas every night too.
Saturday Nov 20 was the last preformance of "The Little Mermaid" which I have been in for nearly 5 months. I will miss the Sea Witch, she was a lot of fun. Josh was off work and brought all the kids. Danny and Faith were super excited to see the show again and Vivy has been asking to see the Sea Witch again. We shall see what comes next for my theatre life I sure have enjoyed working with the Hale Center Theatre. Josh and I went there for our date night again and watched another hilarious comedy - always good entertainment and equal the price of a movie ticket anymore.
Yes that is me in the orange dress right in front of the giant dog.


And Thanksgiving. We had our celebration on Sunday, a bit early, in order to enjoy all the blessings of family we possibly could. We had Annmarie and MJ still with us and Marshall and family could join us after church. The food was fantastic!!! Not to toot soley my own horn, but all the food was fantastic. Josh borrowed a slow cooker from the neighbors that cooked the turkey so tender and juicy....I actually really enjoyed eating it this year! We did make the observation that to make a thanksgiving dinner delicious you have to add ample amounts of butter to everything. Marsh added a stick and a half to his potatoes and it was glorious!

This year I was markedly better at making pies. The addition of lard in the crust really worked and I think I was a bit more patient with the whole process. I was most proud of the apple pie with the lattice crust. It was so pretty no one ate it! Of course I did have Mom's famous French apple pie right next to it which is the big hitter. The best part is just having family around to share it all with. Our list of gratitude has grown even longer this year as the Lord has blessed us so very very very very much. My happiest find in searching for Thanksgiving decorations this year was a plaque that says "There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for." It will be a permanent addition to our home.

Halloween 2010

A dwarf at his miniature picnic table.
One of many snow white's - yet the only one accompanied by a dwarf and old hag with poisoned apples. We did spray her hair black, which was an adventure, but sure fun to see her as a brunette!
For the Trunk-or-Treat we made the back of the van into the cottage window of the dwarf's and then had the kiddos handing out apples from inside the window while I worked the exterior convincing many a kid that my apples were poisoned. Sadly I had no one during daylight hours to take a picture of my mug, which was super convincing.
Danny later got this sucker stuck in his beard.

Tubs loves

Josh brilliantly put in a 'seeder' golf ball in the nesting boxes, and Tubs the hen matched it! Now we have one producing hen.....if only the rest would get on board. It is so fun to watch Tubs tuck the golf ball under her as she nests down and then listen to her 'delivery' as she clucks away making a nice egg for us.