In the middle of a painful Insanity, I looked up at the screen to mentally curse at Shawn-T when I saw a little reminder at the bottom of the screen - "Know your Limits." I may not believe that God put a hidden message in a work-out DVD, but I do know that the Spirit of the Lord can illuminate our minds at the precise minute we need it.
We are reaching another milestone in our family - Earl is leaving on December 9th.
Every time I say that there is a great sigh in my body. We have been holding on and working hard to be helpful maintain sanity for five months. The theme of this journey with Earl has really been 'Know your Limits." Heaven help me if I haven't learned that lesson yet or I will get us into another pickle.
In August we had just passed through some major adjustments and healing with Viv and felt rather comfortable. As per usual, once feeling comfortable, I felt the need to change. Change fosters growth. Fostering grows change. So we opened up our other 'bed' in our home for a boy 0-3. Within 24 we got the call for placement for Earl. They were having a hard time placing Earl because of suspected Hydrocephalus (damage to the brain caused by siginificant head injury). It was kinda nice that we had a bit more of an idea of some of the challenges that were coming.
The idea of helping a mentally retarded child didn't bother me. What I found out did bother me was finding out that he was not mentally retarded, but had learned how to act slow to seem retarded. It didn't take more than a week to see that this boy was very normally three years old in the head. Sure, his behaviors were indicative of something much, much less advanced, but that wasn't because he was dumb. Results from a CT scan shortly after his arrival solidified my studies.
That was when the 'limits' test became daily, hourly, minutely, and every second of my day. What were my limits in helping this boy before I got too upset? Where was the limit that would push him beyond the facade he had built up for the duration of his life to be the kid he was currently? What limits were set that could not be crossed, or that must be reached? Ugh. Unlike the sigh that released a few minutes ago while saying Earl was leaving, my chest is in a myriad of knots just recounting the list of limits.
This daily test limited a lot more. I don't feel like I have been out of the house at all for five months. It really just wasn't worth it if my greatest desire was to help Earl get to his greatest potential. Poor guy had been moved from one home to another in total eight different times in his three short years. No consistency breeds idiocy. We figured out fast that a 'social outing' became a free-for-all in Earl's mind. He didn't have to be the best version of himself with other people because all he had to do was smile big, mumble something babyish and then latch on to the nearest adult. Their response? "Oh, he's so cute!" Yes. Yes indeed. How cute is it that in 20 seconds he got you to believe that he shouldn't need to speak clearly, have respect for boundaries, or more importantly remember what his mother has told him repeatedly.
What has kept us going? Well, knowing that it is working. Those who really know Earl (case managers, people on his therapy 'teams') have given us precisely the feedback we have needed on days when the progress really seems so slow it has stopped. For someone on the outside, the changes are bigger, yet for me on eternal day of reminding Earl relentlessly of what I taught him a million times yesterday the change is non-existant. Graciously, there are days that I can sit back and remember what Earl was like when he first came to us - diapered, baby talking, idiot face making, irresponsible and unresponsive. Today, not only does he speak, but he will stop to ennunciate the words he knows he has been taught better. He no longer cowers if you ask him a question and pretends to hyperventilate, he can look you in the eyes, compute the question and give a legitimate answer. He dresses himself, is fully potty trained and makes his bed.
Giving credit where it is due - that is because of Josh and I. More than tooting my own horn here, this is reason enough to be glad this little guy is moving on. We have worked hard for his benefit, and if it were in the stars for him to stay with us, we would continue to fight the good fight, but as most know who have been involved in foster care or fost/adopt - kinship trumps. In Earls best interest we have been pushing for him to move to his permanent placement as soon as possible. He needs to finally end this jostling journey of self-defeat. We are so glad to have a good relationship with his adoptive mother in order to pass on our findings of potential in this little guy. Positive encouragement for future change and improvement that did not come in his case file from any other previous placement. Finally, in his final home, there may be some expectations for him to be better and not just kept alive. We know the limit of how far we can take him as long as this is not his permanent home, and it is time to pass off.
We are all relieved. Yes, we have started the separation process even though we have another week left of Earl being in our home. Our kids need the slow closure as much as he does. It needs to be a positive and expected transition - one that has no bearing on what happens the day he leaves. Everyone can be excited that he is going to his 'other mama' instead of curious as to why. That is the home he is meant to be in. (oh how I wish we could just say with all certainty that this is the home Viv is supposed to be in.....yet the court date looms ever in the future) He will always be part of our family, and he will get to have the one-on-one attention of his other mama while we send on our love and our trust in his ability.
While contemplating the reduction of our family size my mind has started racing again. Although four kids has been a challenge, I have attatched to greater challenge to the specific needs of Earl and not the increase of number. That may or may not be true. Have I been beyond my limits for the past five months, reasonably so. Yet, my specific faith in the Lord's promise that He will never test us beyond that which we are able to bear AND the reiterated teachings of prophets that trails are a necessary part of this experience on Earth for our growth and development - those reasons help me think that we are capable to have another child in our home so we ought to.
For many years I have left the setting of limits up to the Lord. Recently I have been looking more critically at my own limits. I have matured and hopefully with that has come a heightened awareness of my own weaknesses in a positive way. Perhaps I can't be the best version of myself as a mother to four kids. Perhaps I have allowed myself to push too far. Lamentably I just can't give myself the correct answer to those ponderings. I know two things for certain;
1-There are hundreds (read 300+) of kids in the Phoenix area that do not have a home, not even a foster home and shelters are over flowing. We are liscenced to take care of one more under the age of five. Not enough other people are stepping up to the plate, regardless of how many quilts or gently used items they donate to said shelters. Those kids deserve a home; the circumstances they are in are not their fault and it is not fair for them have to suffer the consequences.
2- I have had four kids now for five months and I am not dead. I may not have been my happiest self. I may not have had the calmest seas to navigate daily. Our home may be a bit more tense or terse for the wear (I know my face is) BUT I am not dead. Nor is anyone else in this house. So it won't kill us.
In the end, I still don't know my own limits.
Even with a scant showing of snow, ti was enough to create a world of white adventure. We are so grateful to have this gathering place available to our family, especially at the river's attempt this spring to destroy the basement! It was nice to finally feel like we could pitch in a bit to clean up the mess, besides, what is more fun for a Hancock than organizing and cleaning? Seriously, we Hancock's are neurotic a bit that way.
Post funeral we spent fun at teh bowling alley with Brooke's family. Faith really got into it, as she does with everything. She danced and squealed and enjoyed every minute of it. Danny was attentive when it was his turn. Viv swung back and forth from being super involved from being m.i.a.
I don't think any of us scored over 150. Isn't bowling scored the same way as golf? Lowest score wins. ;)
Nevermind that there was barely enough snow to shake your fist at (per Idaho standards), we could not be thwarted from some good ole' fashioned snow play. We made the 8 ft high slopes of the dike into the most fantastic wild ride ever (scale is everything, when you are 3ft, 8 is alot higher).
Couldn't stop Viv from eating snow. She frequently would squeal because she had covered her face in snow instead of actually getting some on her tounge. Then there was the time she picked up a mud clod with the mittens intermittent with the snow and had a chocolatey brown beard for a few minutes. You think she would have learned her lesson with that one, nope, more snow in the mouth seconds later.
Contrary to popular belief, there was enough snow to pull out the machines for some Cat and Mouse play. Thanks to Aunt Jill we had 3 machines and 3 adults to take the 3 kids around the field. I personally needed the refreshing thrill of an engine throttling and wind plowing through my hair. If I could just do that everyday, life would be a lot more empowering. ;)
