The Weight of Waiting

In this changing world market, I am certain there are hundreds that can sympathize with the time spent waiting for a phone call that may or may not change the course of your immediate life.  Job prospecting does that to you.

This week, it is my unhappy weight to be waiting.  Stuck musing on possibilities and weighing options that may me irrelevant.  Creating scenarios that could make a difference, or just be dreams.

I did not presume that it would roll this out of control though!

I had determined that this week would be Spring cleaning for the house.  Oh I love me some deep cleaning and decluttering.  The kids and I were excited to start in their bedroom and work our way out of there through the rest of the house.  As I started to get the momentum up to start the detail work I was halted with the 'what ifs' of future jobs.

'Really?" I thought. "Is it really going to change all that much if I get one job verses another?  I should just be able to get this room cleaned."  However, my secondary compulsion to never have to do more work than is necessary pulled the plug.  Yes, within a week I would know whether I would want to be switching rooms or not, creating an office or not, moving the kids' playroom to the basement, finishing the trim paint, ripping out a closet configuration, etc, etc, etc.

I should be able to just pick one possibility and move forward.  But, I could just wait a week and avoid repeating my work.  Do I consider that waiting or patience?  Is it indecision or cost management?

I was glad for a moment when our renter/nanny told us she was moving in four weeks.  "Oh." thought I, "now that would give me a good space to move the kids' toys. I could just move the rooms now.  Yet, if I am going to get out the white paint to do the trim I may as well wait for Saturday to put up the bead board wall. And I ought now rip out the master closet if the kid's clothes are going to go into it.  It would be nice if I just waited four weeks and did it all in on fun and crazy week of moving it all around.  That sounds like a lot of fun.  Except I have to wait four more weeks."

The dialogue continues.  It is Tuesday and I assume that I will have some sort of clarification on job status by the end of the week.  Then I could........wait.  Perhaps wait some more until it is all so urgent.  I prefer working under pressure anyway.

Crazy Super

Although the general definition of a super hero is one who saves the world and makes it a better place - these little super heros stopped amidst wrecking havoc on my house to define what super is - believing you can do anything.

The girls' hairdos came from a lazy day and limited rubber bands, Danny's hairdo came from the pure crazy invention of childish humor.  He wore it around the house until I insisted it be removed before going to ballet that night.

Meaningful Absence

It has been a hiatus.
Not necessarily from writing, but from blogging.
And it stems somewhat from superstition.

I worry that if I take the time to sort through all my thoughts that I will
A) Miss something important in recounting what has already happened.
B) Miss something more important that is currently occuring.
C) Conjecture or overshoot the hopes for the future.

In the mean time the following has happened:
-The kids got accepted to an amazing private Montessori school! It will be a wonderful opportunity for all of their kids and their learning and development, especially Viv, since she and I have reached and empass.
-I have been going through an extensive application and interview process to become a teacher at the private Montessori school at the Middle School level. I am one of the two top canidates and should know this week whether or not I am offered the job.  Then I have to face the decision of accepting it or not.
-I got a part in the Fort Wayne Civic Theatre production of Cinderella as the Queen.
-I wrote a three thousand word essay for my class and now need to lengthen it out to five thousand words for the final research paper.  Intermittently with the academia I am having to decide whether to continue with my Master's program and how that will affect our summer plans.
- Danny grew two inches and has started growing into more of a little boy stage.
- Faith has started reading books to herself because she is impatient with waiting for someone else to read to her.
- Josh took a weekend trip to Lafayette with the youth so they could get to know the Insituted better.  Things are picking up speed in both of our callings.
- Viv got taller and sassier. Heaven help us figure her out and how to speak her love language. Where we were initially seeing progress with OT, we have reached a stalemate; next trying a therapist.  Will this rollercoaster ride every even out?
- After many months of cutting out exersice to see if I could manage chronic fatigue, including manipulating diet and sleep patterns - we have found that there is an underlying myalgia to deal with.
-I got a smart phone after my dumb one went mute.  Now I really feel dumb.
-We had the best and most meaningful Easter season and Passover week as the kids really were interested in each day of the last week of the Savior's life.  I am blessed by their insights and sincerity.

We are facing some major transitions in the family with trepidation and prayer.

Little Stitches

This is as crafty as I get - that is practical uses for fabric.  

As I recognized that I was in a glum mood and didn't really want to do much, I figured it would be a nice time to sit in a sunny part of the kitchen and stitch.  As most projects turn out, the kids were not far behind.  Thanks to the inspiration of reading Little House on the Prairie, I realized it was certainly appropriate that they learn how to sew as well.  Yes, I gave a sharp small object to each of my kids in a small space and taught them a basic loop stitch to attatch elastic to ribbon for head bands.  I was amazed by the dexterity and determination of their little hands.  They also felt extremely invested because they were making their own accessories.  Certainly at times it was tedious to be moving from one tutorial about tying off to the next, but as most projects go, they lost interest after awhile and I was left to my stitching while they fed themselves applesauce.  

I felt grateful sitting amidst these small industrious people on a sunny afternoon stitching away.  I was glad for their skill.  I was happy they wanted to be near.  I was impressed by how quickly they learned.  I triumphed with them when they finally threaded that tiny little needle with that disappearing thread.  I loved the moments of quiet silence as the thread rushed through multiple fabrics and little tongues kept busy keeping the concentration on the needle.  If the silence was broken it was for a reposed moment of question relevant to the past and present.  

The kids always love knowing more stories of my childhood and remembering how and why I first learned to stitch (creating doll clothes from remnant fabrics of my mothers and then making patchwork quilts) and remembering the lessons of keeping our hands busy so our minds could do their work.  Growing up we always had a something going on in hand if we were watching something on the television.  I remember hot summer afternoons in the cool basement watching old movies to the rythm of  everyone cutting green beans or shelling peas.  Or the numerous General Conference with all sorts of needle work being preformed.  The soothing feeling of letting your hands move about as they want to create something beautiful is the very feeling I pulled out my much neglected bins of ribbons and thread that day.

Most remarkable to me was seeing how much they accomplished!  Danny was the mot precise stitcher and actually finished two headbands for me before needing some refreshment.  After consuming sufficient amounts of applesauce he found the pipe cleaners and some beads and sat without prompting threading a bracelet for me.  Viv made it through a headband and a half before succumbing to the distracting applesauce and the frustration of not keeping up with Faith.  Faith did two ribbon headbands and then began learning a straight stitch to be able to do gathers (we called it the dolphin stitch since the needle goes under the fabric then comes back up from the same side like a dolphin hopping in and out of the water), which was more technical on a lace fabric she had chosen, and she succeeded.  When all the desired stitching was done they snacked and fingered the beautiful ribbons until Daddy came home for dinner while I made a couple of ribbon shamrock tie tacks for the boys.

There are so many fond memories connected to working with my hands in my childhood that I felt absolutely blessed, despite my grumpiness, to be sharing that simple pleasure with my kids.

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While admiring my work with the kids bedspreads, they all congregated naturally, including the cats.

During a laundry folding break, Danny found a comfy spot to relax.

I recognize in gratitude that my kids like to be close to me.  Some days it feels as though they are crawling on me constantly, but I will not shoo them off.  I repeat to myself - right now is the time that I have that they want to be with me, cherish it.  I have not figured that their contentment for being with me or with each other was any too rare until reflecting on our photos and a few conversations that drove the point home.

After having a friend watch the kids together for the morning she commented "Your kids love being together!  They play so nicely together."  I paused to reflect.  Her comment illuminated the comparison that not all siblings do.  I agreed, they do generally play really well together, and like it.

During a discussion about homes and family life I mentioned that I liked having a smaller home since no matter where we are in the home, we all end up being together so no use having empty rooms.  The gal I was conversing with said "Oh, you would never have found our family together in the same room!  We liked having our space through my whole life."  I reflected for a moment that it was unusual that we hovered around each other, and happily so.  

After touring a Montessori school and noticing how few kids, even with the freedom of the space were engaging other students I thought how my kiddos would fit in that environment.  I felt honestly that they would gravitate to one another.  I reasoned whether that would be an asset to them or not and in all my estimation I could only see it as a benefit.  Siblings who are friends are one of life's great treasures.

If I am every seated at the computer, within moments someone will crawl into my lap, followed by the others.  This is probably the reason that I do not get much work done online or browse the internet much...too many wigglers.

Spontaneous coloring together comfortably, so peaceful that the cats join in.

 Truthfully, I don't know how this all came about. I do hope that it has been cultivated as a family characteristic.  I pray that it will continue.  I praise my children for being the unique individuals that they are and how well the love each other.  This is the environment that Josh and I have worked to instill by making our home a place of warmth.  Welcome it is to see that it is easily practiced on a daily basis by the people who really are proof in the pudding.

Basement Betterment

In two weeks time our basement has gone through another transformation.  

I finally got back to painting more stripes on the technicolor dream wall - which was initially the kids project yet with attention spans we never get more than two stripes up in a day - Danny, Faith and Viv did all the green stripes and I added in the dark blue and yellow.  Thanks to the many color samples we got to pick the perfect color we have quite the array.

 And in the back corner - a real room!  We walled in the room for a gal to stay with us, kinda  a roommate/ nanny situation   We figured we would eventually put the room in for Danny as the kids got older, but why not now, especially if someone will babysit for free twice a week and pay $100 a month toward improving the space each month.

Best for me, I got a really nice little corner in which to sew and observe the kids at the same time.  I am excited for summer time when we will want to be in the cool basement and I will get loads of projects done - for now I just need to finish the curtains, and some mending, and the headbands for the girls, and some binding of quilts.....not much ;)

For perspective- Here are the transformations since June that brought us to this point -

There is a law irrevocably decreed....

I had a moment of parental pondering on Firday night.  "I bet this is how God feels sometimes" was what came to mind.  "He has given us commandments and the requisite punishment, but I don't think he really wants to have to punish us.  Yet, 'there is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven upon which all blessings are predicated' and to its converse, disobedience brings consequences."

Faith did her first ever self-haircut on Friday.  I was astonished.  I never once dreamed that Faith would mame her lovely golden locks.  We had set up a precedents of results with the girls about cutting their own hair, unreasonably harsh now I recognize, mostly in retaliation to Viv's personality that needs a good scare to keep from wrong choices.  The punishment: if you choose to cut your own hair, even the littles bit, Mama has to take scissors to the rest.

In a moment of childlike frustration and problem solving - Faith cut a few stray hairs that were annoyingly getting in her eyes.  When I saw it, my heart sank.  I do dote on her long golden hair.  I spend longer with her hair and love the natural elegance it gives to Faith.  Yet, the law was set.  I tried every possible way to justify my way out of cutting anything from that golden mane.  I was, sadly, faced with a parenting follow-through choice and letting my children learn the severity of consequences no matter what, and my own personal desire to ignore my own rules.  Three faces stared at me as the internal combat raged - most disheartening was seeing the absolute honest trust the had in me that I would stick to my rules.  Did I fail it I do as I felt, or did I continue on the path I had set before us as a parent?  In the end, the learning experience was invaluable particularly after this weeks repetitive theme "Nothing is more important than doing what is right."

I headed to the cutting chair with trepidation.  I never imagined approaching Faith's hair with an intention beyond trimming.  I felt it would be harsh enough to cut a few inches from the bottom to send the message home.  I was ready for a snip when Viv suggests that Faith donate her hair to Locks of Love.  A very noble observation for a 5 year old, I warrant, but a very untimely chivalry, and at the expense of her sisters hair.  Faith began to latch onto the idea.  My parental/personal combat began raging again.  How I wanted to squash that thought right there - no way we are cutting off way more than is needed to learn this lesson.  Yet, the principle of letting the kids make their own good choices for themselves stitched my lips together.  I reluctantly looked up the needed length of hair for donation and we dutifully measured Faith's hair.  Ten inches.  Ten inches shorter than I ever wanted to cut her hair.  Despite the daunting expense, Faith determined that if she were going to have to pay the consequence for a bad choice, she may as well turn it into a benefit for someone else.  A noble choice indeed albeit heart wrenching for me.

We roped the innocent hair and sacrificed it on the block of all the good that could come of predestined fate.  I found myself chopping through one of my favorite features of my eldest daughter replaying in my head the character building moments in life that only cost a bit of image for a principle needed for life.  The classic line from Little Women cursed through my head "Jo, your one true beauty!"  Yet we all knew that Jo was so much than her silly hair and the cause for which she sold it outweighed the vanity of the situation.

After the hacking, Faith and I both had a little cry for the lost hair and then created a plan for moving forward.  Making headbands for the time being and a few years would set everything to right.  And would she ever sacrifice choosing what she knew was right again for the convenient short-cut?  Well, I can only hope.  For as the Father of us all, I would rather be required to bless than chasten.