Will you please STOP!?!

My flag flies at half mast today for our country.  Why the violence on innocent people?  In the same breath I am grateful for our nation that has such a low incidence of such bombings and crime that we do rally together and become each other's heros.  In other parts of the world, it happens too much.  But it needs to stop, at whatever degree. We need you to please stop hurting us all.

To all those mourning and scared in Boston, my prayers are with you!

Rebuttal to the Rollercoaster

After putting my feelings out there, and as usual praying for a lot of guidance, these two wonderful people have given me some counsel to lift my spirits and help us move forward.

Adventures in Foster-Adoption: Riding a Roller-coaster

Even though the adoption of Viv finalized in December, Josh and I are frequently reminded that Viv will always be a foster-adoptive child, which is to say, not easily incorporated naturally in the family.  We endeavor every day to make the gap as small as possible and help our home environment feel as cohesive as possible.  Yet, we are still on the seemingly endless roller-coaster that we got ourselves locked into the first day we became foster parents.

It is frustrating after two years to be hitting the same lows as we had at the beginning of the ride.  We have a slow climb up to a peak of positivity and the inevitable rush downward again.  It is an apt analogy, the roller-coaster, because it seems that the falling sensation is worse, or more sensational, than the rising again.

Our greatest disappointment is just feeling helpless against the natural forces that draw Viv down again over and over.  We seem to be making progress and heading up when suddenly the track changes and Josh and I are left with our hearts in our throats as we are all plummeted down again.  I wish so many times that I could be one of those cool riders whom the constant motion does not seem to affect, but I am just as rattled on each descent as I was on the first one.

So many helpless and hopeless thoughts accompany the nauseous return to the bottom:  What happened this time?  What triggered this?  Did we do something wrong?  What is the best way to react?  Do we stay consistent or try something new?  Am I completely failing and making things worse?  Didn't we have this one figure out?  Why are we back here again?  Can I help?  Do I give up?  Do I ignore it?

Through it all we hold on to a few things: We knew this would continue to happen, even if we hoped it wouldn't, this is the reality of having foster children.  We love her. This is not her fault.

Through the bottom there are the feeble attempts to figure it out.  The terrible moments when we succumb.  And the intentional numbing of feelings, a suspension of investment in a child that is self-destructing.  To the on-looker the family is just working with a bit of a stubborn child in a tough moment.  From the inside we are doubting and crumbling anew, wondering what foundation we can build upon when her foundation is irreparably damaged.  She is still good, even great at moments.  It is just the despairing contrast to the sights we saw right before the plummet that still linger in our heart that make the decent so displacing.

She got us both this week.  She drove us both to that moment when we know as parents that we have lost control.  We are angry.  Afterwards we are ashamed at having given in and perhaps somehow supported any reasoning for the desired result.  And there we stand, looking at each other, helpless again and heartbroken.  What do we do?  Repent.  Love.  Forgive.  and most of all try to forget as we start the long and slow upward climb again with hope of that glorious view atop.

One of these times we may get stuck on top.  That is our Hope.

Vivianna Hope Button

Easter Revelries

Thanks to my parents we had some lovely new Easter decorations this year!  I was happy to get out the Ukranian eggs on Palm Sunday to start the week of Christ centered celebrations.

It was a wonderful year to focus on the Savior in preparations for a meaningful Easter.  Certainly the kids were still caught up in the craze of the Easter Bunny (thanks to the movie that the Leprechauns brought us for St. Patricks day "Rise of the Guardians."), but they are recognizing that the Easter season is all about HOPE.

For our daily scripture study we read from Eric Huntsman's "God So Loved the Word" which details the events from the four gospels of the last week of Christ's life.  It was lovely to have pictures, explanations and scriptures each day to work with.  I got to read the full chapter of the day and certainly gleaned more than the kids, but they do learn daily from the scriptures.  It seems of the full week they were most interested in the cursing of the fig tree and of Pilate saying that Jesus was not a bad guy.  That is what we talked about most.  That and coloring Easter eggs.

The kids kept a strict timeline, counting down, rather impatiently, until Saturday when we would color the eggs with Daddy.  Each year I am glad that the Spring season does bring warmer weather so we can color eggs outdoors while the kids are still smallish.  We had some colossal spills this year.

One of the best parts of these time consuming traditions is the time both Josh and I have to recount our own childhood memories to the kids in the very act of carrying on the traditions we loved.  I am so glad that the kids are interested in relating to us and hearing about what life was like when we were kids.  They are most interested in just getting any color on the egg; although this year I saw the emergent interest in making bi-color eggs and dipping for purpose rather than plopping. I know their skills will develop over the years and it is fun to even notice from year to year their creativity collectively develop.  With all of them in the same relative age range, they don't have older siblings to direct their perception of creation, so it is all up to them.  Josh and I try a few techniques, but really we are just running damage control.  Life changes each Spring, with the hope of a new season and new discoveries so we do not begrudge the current status.

Sunday morning the kids woke to a note from EB over the empty egg cartons: "He Is Risen."  Echoing the words of angels that the eggs were not there.  We hoped to keep the focus on Christ until at least after Church - and being that it was still dark outside, it was nice that the Easter Bunny had left the egg hunts for after Church services.

A bit of the childhood greed crept into the morning as the girls discussed a bit of the disappointment in EB's delivery.  I heard as they walked down the hall when told to get their Sunday clothes on "Usually the Easter Bunny brings us a new dress to wear!"  I was mildly upset by their selfishness, but they are kids, and I had set myself up for it having done it every year.  I did a bit of yelling explanation while still trying to get them to forget it and focus on Jesus, but I was (am) irritated to hear such selfishness.  We are hoping to transition the kids out of a self centered world to a giving focused one.  They did pretty good at Christmas, and it was hard to see the set back.  Mostly it stems from Viv, which is not her fault, she was raised a greedy little thing.  Again, a hope for the future and new beginnings is what we hold on to.

They were all super cute and spring-y in getting themselves dressed for Church and we enjoyed finding eggs to have our favorite creamed eggs over toast for lunch.

The Weight of Waiting

In this changing world market, I am certain there are hundreds that can sympathize with the time spent waiting for a phone call that may or may not change the course of your immediate life.  Job prospecting does that to you.

This week, it is my unhappy weight to be waiting.  Stuck musing on possibilities and weighing options that may me irrelevant.  Creating scenarios that could make a difference, or just be dreams.

I did not presume that it would roll this out of control though!

I had determined that this week would be Spring cleaning for the house.  Oh I love me some deep cleaning and decluttering.  The kids and I were excited to start in their bedroom and work our way out of there through the rest of the house.  As I started to get the momentum up to start the detail work I was halted with the 'what ifs' of future jobs.

'Really?" I thought. "Is it really going to change all that much if I get one job verses another?  I should just be able to get this room cleaned."  However, my secondary compulsion to never have to do more work than is necessary pulled the plug.  Yes, within a week I would know whether I would want to be switching rooms or not, creating an office or not, moving the kids' playroom to the basement, finishing the trim paint, ripping out a closet configuration, etc, etc, etc.

I should be able to just pick one possibility and move forward.  But, I could just wait a week and avoid repeating my work.  Do I consider that waiting or patience?  Is it indecision or cost management?

I was glad for a moment when our renter/nanny told us she was moving in four weeks.  "Oh." thought I, "now that would give me a good space to move the kids' toys. I could just move the rooms now.  Yet, if I am going to get out the white paint to do the trim I may as well wait for Saturday to put up the bead board wall. And I ought now rip out the master closet if the kid's clothes are going to go into it.  It would be nice if I just waited four weeks and did it all in on fun and crazy week of moving it all around.  That sounds like a lot of fun.  Except I have to wait four more weeks."

The dialogue continues.  It is Tuesday and I assume that I will have some sort of clarification on job status by the end of the week.  Then I could........wait.  Perhaps wait some more until it is all so urgent.  I prefer working under pressure anyway.

Crazy Super

Although the general definition of a super hero is one who saves the world and makes it a better place - these little super heros stopped amidst wrecking havoc on my house to define what super is - believing you can do anything.

The girls' hairdos came from a lazy day and limited rubber bands, Danny's hairdo came from the pure crazy invention of childish humor.  He wore it around the house until I insisted it be removed before going to ballet that night.

Meaningful Absence

It has been a hiatus.
Not necessarily from writing, but from blogging.
And it stems somewhat from superstition.

I worry that if I take the time to sort through all my thoughts that I will
A) Miss something important in recounting what has already happened.
B) Miss something more important that is currently occuring.
C) Conjecture or overshoot the hopes for the future.

In the mean time the following has happened:
-The kids got accepted to an amazing private Montessori school! It will be a wonderful opportunity for all of their kids and their learning and development, especially Viv, since she and I have reached and empass.
-I have been going through an extensive application and interview process to become a teacher at the private Montessori school at the Middle School level. I am one of the two top canidates and should know this week whether or not I am offered the job.  Then I have to face the decision of accepting it or not.
-I got a part in the Fort Wayne Civic Theatre production of Cinderella as the Queen.
-I wrote a three thousand word essay for my class and now need to lengthen it out to five thousand words for the final research paper.  Intermittently with the academia I am having to decide whether to continue with my Master's program and how that will affect our summer plans.
- Danny grew two inches and has started growing into more of a little boy stage.
- Faith has started reading books to herself because she is impatient with waiting for someone else to read to her.
- Josh took a weekend trip to Lafayette with the youth so they could get to know the Insituted better.  Things are picking up speed in both of our callings.
- Viv got taller and sassier. Heaven help us figure her out and how to speak her love language. Where we were initially seeing progress with OT, we have reached a stalemate; next trying a therapist.  Will this rollercoaster ride every even out?
- After many months of cutting out exersice to see if I could manage chronic fatigue, including manipulating diet and sleep patterns - we have found that there is an underlying myalgia to deal with.
-I got a smart phone after my dumb one went mute.  Now I really feel dumb.
-We had the best and most meaningful Easter season and Passover week as the kids really were interested in each day of the last week of the Savior's life.  I am blessed by their insights and sincerity.

We are facing some major transitions in the family with trepidation and prayer.