It certainly has been awhile since I wrote another chapter in this book, not that there hasn't been plenty of adventure! Yet, we had a rough week, so why not complain about it again? NO!
The flip side of a really rough week is that I really get a chance to change, without change rough gets rocky and rocky gets worse.....So change I must. With change comes recognizing where I am as a mother and a person. Interesting that foster has put me as a person more into perspective than mothering my bio babies ever has. With them, my darling Faith and golden Danny, I have always been Mama. Although I may have been a crappy mama sometimes, I have always been privelaged to be their mama.
With Viv I am a lot of mama in there, but I battle more with me than anything else. Me in wanting to not have to deal with it, wanting to give up, wanting to let the rage loose, wanting to be snarky, and worst of all, wanting not to love her. How awful! Who would purposefully want to NOT love a child?! See the battle I face. With mothering I can just pull out a new set of tools to cope with behavior, or try a new tactic, or just plain ignore them when things go past my realm.
In looking at me, I realize I am a pretty awesome mom, no false modesty there I spend a lot of time working on it. That's good. As a person, I am not as close to Christ as I know I can be. I seek for His love more than anything else. And that is why Josh and I have not thrown in the towel, because we know God loves this little thing and He trusts us enough to help her out. Six months is a lot of helping. Often times I feel less helpful and more.....well.....selfish. I want to worry about my comfort level and what I like and the whole other slew of nasty, nice, mean and selfish things that come with thinking soley around oneself. The thought occured to me recently that Christ might have had some moments that he didn't really like the mean people around him, yet He had the power of person (helps to be half God) to really continue to love them. Whereas I claim to be a child of God, that makes me part if not half God, then I can grow in that awesome power.
On a less inspiring note; the line from Shrek (the few moments I watched of the show) comes frequently to mind "ogres are like onions." I am sure their was some rude follow up by donkey, yet the analogy stands. Although I am not making the direct link to ogres and foster children, the similarities are striking....in that the layers are there and peeled away as time progresses. And frankly, it stinks. There are layers that these darling little people have been tucking away, and I suppose (I shall look at the bright side and say)( that they come to trust you more, relax a bit more, and then rip of the next ring to reveal what is underneath. The psychology of it all mind boggling and I can't even attempt to go there.....mostly it is sad. Because of some bad decisions around these little people they are damaged. Talk about baggage! That doesn't give any reason to love them less, reason to love her more and added difficulty in doing so.
Conclusion: loving some people is harder than I thought it would be because it requires me to change.
Mother Goose's house: Yes, they were very very well trained geese (with diapers) that will give you hugs and kisses. Very different from the geese I remember on Grandpa's farm.
There was live jousting (the main reason we went). Although the action took place in front of us, Danny was sure we were seated in a portion of the stadium that faced the royal stables so he could see the horses at all times. He was severely disappointed that he didn't get to ride any of the horse, yet, in true boy fashion, recounted all the battle with actions.
Story time with the queen. The costuming was fantastic throughout the festival. I had anticipated that the paid actors would be in costume, I had not, however, realized that there is a costume rental shop before the entrance of the festival so just about anyone could be 'in character' at the festival. Talk about a group of loonies! It was fun. We shall see next year if we can pick the magic day when there are less people crowding the fair so we can actually see what is going on without bumping into some sort of pirate of unknown origins.
