writing is the working....

Today Josh has been extremely gracious in granting me the full afternoon to write my term paper.  Now that I have spent the past month formulating all thoughts and synthesizing a lot of information - all of which I really have enjoyed, I am left with the work of writing it.  Bleh.  I don't particularly like the forming of a formal paper.  I know I can get it done, but this moment, right before actually starting to throw together all the references and the exciting thoughts into a congnitive form, I just want to give up.  This may be the precise reason that I procrastinated so very much writing papers when I was in under-grad.  Writing at the last.....ugh. 

Yet, in great love and respect for my darling husband and how hard he is trying to make a full afternoon through with the kids just at home, I will try and pull it together.  15 pages proving that Samuel Beckett finally found a form in which to create a different sort of dialogue that allows for freeplay within form by using the absence of a defined sign for Godot.  I know, you are riveted already.  Acadamia really has no more purpose than to entertain more academics.  Kinda like the old notions of entertaining the upper class with the 'refined arts' rather than teaching them real skills.

I'm so excited about this pairing of my favorite iconic dancers!

Giving them my wings

Josh and I have been considering the education of our children a lot lately.  Rather, I have been considering it a lot.  Josh informed me today that he really doesn't care that much about our kids' education.  At least he is honest.  Lest you think him uncaring, he just believes that a genius floats to the top regardless of the training and you can get great professionals from public educations. I agree to a degree.  Where we diverge is the amount of initial investment given into the final product.  I hold firmly that although an individual may have great intrinsic value and drive - a lot more can be done with it if they are given the correct early opportunities.

At the surface of this discussion is what school or education curriculum do I feel comfortable turning my children over to, or in to, or left for.  At the very core of it are dreams and ambitions, like little seeds inside an apple; they are the most powerful part that hold within them the most magic.  Not everyone cooks or slices an apple the same way to get to the seeds.  Fitting perhaps that the iconic symbol of education is an apple.  

Why is Nancy considering education for her kids, I thought she was married to the idea of homeschooling?  Well, we must first realize that Nancy is never satisfied with the notion that she has yet found the best opportunity.  As it has stood to this point, my abilities as an educator have been felt as the best option for our kids.  However, as they grow, I see possible limitations to my ability to continue to give them the best education.  Particularly in the arena of science and technology.  Actually, there are a lot of personal limitations well beyond education.  The best I can offer my children is my love support, dreams, and wings and maybe a bit of the liberal arts.

Perhaps it is just a stage that we are all growing through and having a harder time adjusting to - the stage of 5 year olds possibly.  The over-arching theme of this stage is jealousy.  I despise jealousy, which of course is why I am really challenged during this particular phase.  I have not yet figured out how to 'help' my children understand the concept of a giving world.  Yes, they are children, but egocentric living is just not at the center of who I am and cannot bear in others.  Thus you cram my daily minutes and minutia with that quality I may just detest the most and I am convinced that my personal limitations have found their exact limit.

Furthermore, I have always seen my kids beyond who they are now.  It may be with a bit of impatience for the present that I feel inadequate to give them the absolute best possible future scenario.  There are grand opportunities for people with some drive (as my kids have), some intelligence (which they all have) and a bit of imaginations (definitely have) you can live the American dream.  Dream big.  My dreams may not be exactly the dreams that my children may have in the future, but I want to give them every possible tool they need to accomplish that dream whenever it is manifest.

My parents really gave us the best available as I grew up, and then I chose my own path guided somewhat by the restrictions of my culture and upbringing.  My wings had not been clipped, but I surely felt security is staying close to the nest.  What a blessing that I had a safe home to desire to be near.  My dreams never felt the same restrictions so I felt early on the divergence of paths.

 As much as I try not to project myself into my children - it happens.  I wish to live through them the dreams that I maybe did not pursue myself.  No, my dream chasing days are not over and I am not fully dissatisfied with my own life, I do often imagine another diverging path in my past that may have put me in a different dream fulfilled.  On this trejectory path, the best I can be is make sure that what I have set up to be the most meaningful part of my life - family- suceeds.  

Continually then, I am pouring more and more energy into the dreams of the future, chasing down every possible divergent path for three very amazing little people that I have invested all my other converging dreams into.  I must give them my wings to fly.  There is a bit of a separation anxiety that accompanies the amputation of personal dreams which have nevertheless been unused since setting on this family path.  It is yet another sacrifice I will make for them.  That anxiety is reflected in the difficulty of recognizing that my children may need another educator beyond myself.  All this searching and  hypothesizing of the future and dreams feels very fruitless.  I don't know. I am learning myself still and perhaps finding new ways to fly while still giving my children the wings they need.

What makes you warm

As we were driving around a spontaneous conversation evolved between the kids and regarding the purpose of moral learning.  I don't remember all of it, but the highlights went something like this:

Faith - Mom, yesterday (in Church) I felt something very warm inside of me.
Me - What were you doing when you started to feel that way?  Was it a good feeling?
Faith- I was sitting still and listening because I was so bored with coloring. It was a very happy feeling. It felt like it was melting and I had a smile and was warm all over.
Me - That's wonderful darling, do you think it was the Holy Ghost giving you those feelings?  His job is to make sure that we can feel in our hearts that what others are teaching us is true.
Faith - Yes.  It was the Holy Ghost, but I don't remember what I was being taught.

I proceeded to try and elaborate to my four and five year old audience more about the feelings of the Holy Ghost and what it means.

Danny - Mom.  I know something else that makes you feel all warm inside.
Me- What's that?

Moment of me believing that I had actually taught them something and feeling so proud of my kids for grasping such a beautiful truth.

Danny - Hot Chocolate!

I am still proud of my kids.  That Danny is a witty one!

Effects of Current Events

God Bless America and Mitt Romney.  I am a bit sad to say goodbye to the political fervor of yesterday.  I haven't finished my grieving process yet.  I thank Gov Romney for running such a good race and plead with Americans to start voting with a collective view and less of a personal view.  I had thought that maybe,with the effects of even more recent current events that more Americans would look toward what we could accomplish together.  Alas, not so.  I was grateful for the words of a dear friend who posted on her blog that regardless of who leads the political government, her allegiance lies with God and his living Prophet, Thomas S. Monson.  Those sentiments finally put a mark on what perhaps has been the undercurrent in our family's reactions to the state of the union.

Current events have changed things in America.  What Sandy has yet again awakened in America is the sense of community responsibility; a commraderie that extends from coast to coast.  Watchful eyes and prayerful hearts turned toward the east coast from everywhere.  At earliest reports, Indiana was going to get our fair brush from the storm.  Josh and I finally decided it was worth the peace of mind to have a generator and got one, even days after we saw the worst of the storm had blown past.  We looked to our neighbors and our family, and something pricked within us a bit more urgency and care.  

Over the weekend the urgency kept a slight prick at my back and I felt a constant push to double check our family supplies.   I had recently organized a night focused on Family Preparedness for Church and had no felt quite at ease with our own preparedness.  We have just weathered a bit of rock shores with employment and were grateful to have had something to keep us fed and sheltered.  As we look toward more security in employment, the pantry did not lend itself to that same feeling.  Why hesitate?  We spent our Friday night restock the pantry.  It cost a lot.  As mentioned in one of the sources I have been using to create a more prepared home, since 2008 prices for preparedness supplies and food have gone up 30% without the majority of us seeing the same increase personal pay.  Why hesitiate turned into 'better not wait any longer!' 

 With the immediate need met of the pantry (with a sigh of relief) my sights then looked around to the rest of the aspects of family preparedness.  I couldn't help but get the 72 hour kits out for an update.  While Josh was resting from having finally succumbed to our family flu, the kids were glad to help we double check the contents of our emergency bags.  I had felt so secure knowing that they were there and full.  After inspection I realize that there is more I ought to do to really be prepared.  We set goals for monthly preparedness and weekly purchases.  We are working on having ready backpacks for the kids now too, who really want to contribute and carry their own load.  We have determined where the bags will be stored so they are most accessible in case we are called to evacuate as many people were on the East coast.  If we were told to go now, where would we go? What would we take?  Putting ourselves in the shoes of our neighbors on the coast finally put the 72hr kit in real perspective.

The kids helped separate out the loose change we have to then put in their own back packs.

Probably the most alarming to both Josh and I was our lack of water storage.  The most basic need.  Sure, it falls from the sky in a pinch, but we can not conjure that up exactly when we are dehydrated.  And is proof again with Sandy victims - there was water everywhere but I wouldn't want to drink that stuff!

Thankfully a really wise woman from Church had shared with me how she always refills her quart jars with water after that are empty of produce until she is canning again the next year.  Brilliant! You have to have the space for the jars to keep anyway so why not have them doing something useful for you?  She also makes sure that when doing her processing, if there is an empty space in her canner she fills it with just a jar of water that will then become sterilized.  Sterile water is a priceless commodity in an emergency to help with medical situations!

Now that I chose not to do much canning this year because of the price of fruit (the blighted crops made some really high prices out here) I have bottles just waiting to be filled by the easiest canning method ever!  I am just boiling the water while I prepare a meal and then put the hot water in the jars and put a lid on.  The cooling water pulls the lid down so it is air tight but not necessarily using the seal from the lids so I can reuse them.

The storms do rage in this great country; political, personal, natural.  All of them have some sort of effect on each of us.  As the kids and I discussed this morning in family scripture study - after the effects of years of wars in the Nephite land, everyone had the choice to harden their hearts for the difficulty of it, or to soften their hearts in humble response to trials (Alma chapter 62).  Elder Neil L Anderson, an apostle of God spoke recently about how trials differ in the responses they generate in each individual; what may seem simple to one person may be devestating to another.  The effects of temporal trials can truly affect the hearts of man.  I am personally grateful for the softening results that I have felt in my heart, and in my family, during a time when everyone has been effected in some way stormy tides.

cause when we're riding in my Malibu, it's easy to get right next to you

Josh and I celebrated our 7th Wedding anniversary on October 27th!!  What a ride!

 I new that Josh and I were like hand and glove when we first met.  I suppose what I didn't understand was that the hand was still growing and the glove was stretching and all that process was a bit snug at times, kinda uncomfortable, and sometimes seemingly wrong.  BUT (and we all have a big but) there has been no question about ever taking the glove off, or the ring!

So our hair has changed, and maybe a few other things.  Our love has changed.  Our friendship has changed.  As we have just weathered through our 'Seven Year Ditch" we feel strengthened and connected.  It was really super awesome that my sis Jill came down from Philly to stay with the kids over night so we had our first time away together without kids in 5 years!   It was a crazy feeling just being us again, kinda like a return to the beginning.  

We drove over to Detroit that night, getting in super late and not even sleeping in the next day because we didn't sleep super comfy (I have one of those weird lady routines to be able to sleep and I didn't bring the hot pad or the snuggie...awkward you know).  Luckily we had schedule for an 8am sealing session at the Detroit temple.  A bit cheeky of me - I packed the same outfits for Josh and I that we had worn to the temple on our wedding day.  One of the temple attendants mentioned that we were a very 'well matched' couple.  The pun hit me a little later.  It was special to be across the altar from each other again on the same day that had joined us for eternity seven years prior.  I loved him more for being with me now, still, despite everything, Josh was there, in the same place we began headed for the same place we are both going.

Afterward we headed to the Henry Ford museum and took a look at things without kids pulling us around, thus we were more like kids.  I was amazed with a new feature they have of being able to collect information about the exhibits you want to know digitally and then they send it to you via email.  Thus we didn't take many pictures cuz we could have the pictures and info sent to us to share with the kids.  We couldn't help getting a picture with this Allegheny train tho - it is massive!  They are fully made of steel and could pull more than 27 million tons!  So impressive.  I think this is the very engine that the creators of the new Polar Express used as the model or the Polar Express.

We then browsed through the 'Driving through the Centuries' exhibit with the various cars.  Josh liked the speed and muscle cars, I was enthralled with the luxury cars.  I'm not surprised.  I couldn't stop thinking about the Dusenburgs or Bugattis.  So beautiful and custom.  

 Of course, during the war, the propaganda may have been a little over the top, but now it is entertaining.

 We high-tailed it home in the early afternoon so we could be back for the ward Trunk-or-Treat, which turned out to be all the Halloween the kids got this year, so we are especially glad we did.  And we got a wee bit of time with sis Jill before she went back to great Sandy in Philly.

Sure, it was a pretty cool weekend.  Yet, the whole ride with Josh of marriage is way more exciting!  I love him more today than yesterday.

Bugged

Tricks and Treats galore this Halloween.  We spent two rather disgusting days of the flu on the 30th and 31st.  No fake vomit or deathly looking people in this house - it was legit.

Everyone got their turn with the bowl and we were on rations of water, white rice, and a bit of bread.  

Both Josh and I thought about serving them their halloween candy they had got from the Church Trunk-or-Treat so they would be pre-conditioned against candy for the rest of their life; however, after cleaning the rugs multiple times of just the bland rice and bread barf, I was glad I had not added more to the mix.  I am sure some year down the road they will gorge themselves and get sick of it anyway.

The most bothersome result to me is the fact that having not moved for the past two days personally, I won't be prepared to run my half-marathon on Saturday.  To be honest, I wasn't really prepared for it anyway.  After the last race which I botched from lack of training and then ended up really achey for weeks, it is for the best.  But I am bugged by it anyway.