Godly Parenting

Parenting in in this century is hard.  Even the definition of what parenting is has me a bit confused on days (I have been trying to create a working definition for my research and it is a kerfuffle).  But I don't need to go to the internet to tell me that parenting is hard.  I have kids.  They let me know every day that there is a lot of work involved in this precious work of developing souls into the people they are meant to be.  As I have been searching through the historical literacies to contemporary blogs looking for where mom's are instilling morals in their wee ones, I realize that being a moral mother is a daily battle.

At the end of the day, I am a Bible-based parent trying to be a Christian woman.  I think that encompasses as much moral guidance as I can muster for three kids and a lifetime of guilt for not having done it good enough.

There has been as storm of mental hurricanes swirling around my head since Sunday.  It all started with the candid conversations with Viv.

It had been a rough week.  The kids were out of school for fall break Thurs-Monday.  That meant a reintroduction to the types of energy cocktails we have in our little people.  Things can get a bit rocky and as a parent, we sometimes get a bit too reactionary.

Here is the document that evolved out of it all by Thursday night:

Unacceptable behaviors:

1- Lying

2- Disrespecting anyone in the family

3- Refusing to talking during ‘conversations

4- Willful disobeying

Told us:

-everyone at home makes her mad/frustrated

-she doesn’t like/love Mother or Father

-likes her teachers more so that is why she is better at school

-Doesn’t ever want to have conversations

-when asked why she said “Oh my God!” during play, she first said her Dad says it (which we never take the name of the Lord in vain) and then refused to say where she had heard or learned the term, she is aware that cussing is unacceptable behavior

• says she hits her sister Faith because “she won’t ever listen to me”
• Viv will not self-entertain and when engaging with siblings (her only option at home) has to be in the position of authority, dictating the game, or pestering them to get the attention she wants
• she always answers her teachers immediately and truthfully

We Told her:

-Based on the information we received from school evaluations (PTC)it is clear to us that her behaviors are choices based on audience (home vs. school) and our expectation is equal treatment, at least, in the home

• Because we love her, we will base our parenting on her potential not her current behaviors i.e. we believe she will succeed in life if she eradicates unacceptable behaviors so we are willing to do whatever it takes to help her get rid of them now, including spankings (which is standard with the other children)
• Made it clear that our treatment of her will be no different than her siblings because she is not any different, which will change some of our reactions to her whereas we have given her more options or chances for behavioral change she will now have the same expectations as the other two (comply or consequence)

Catalyst Day (Thursday October 24, 2013):

After many days of counseling as a family, as a couple, and introspection as parents we recognized recurring patterns:  All behaviors with Mom were either decidedly defiant and oppositional or manipulatively sweet it draw attention away from other siblings and interactions with Dad were to ‘win him over’.  On a day out of school the behaviors were so pronounced at home that we felt it necessary to make immediate changes.  We always show a unified front in all decisions made regarding what parenting choices we are making for her, even though now she has made a stand that she is not making any choices with us.   As Parents: we are trying to inform before any consequence occurs so they do not seem as unruly punishments but direct result of behaviors.  We have decided that she will no longer be given the option/consequence of going to her bed because it has become apparent that she prefers not to have to deal with the issue at hand and seeks to be sent to her bed as soon as possible to avoid processing and hopes the delay will redirect the consequence.

I look at it now and think - maybe a bit harsh. But when you are dealing with a really, uh.....special child, things are harsh.  Friday I went to parent teacher conferences to see if Josh and I were just seeing everything through a tainted class.  Yes, Viv is highly distractible and has some rough social patches at school, but everyone is super optimistic.  I got a bit of perspective about how she is working at school.  Basically the same things at home, she just has a more structured (?) or better (!) environment at school that makes her feel successful.  I am so glad!!  That is all we want for her as parents is for her to successfully figure out the labyrinth of her brain so that her life is successful.

With Friday's perspective, and help from my sister with Saturday's events (well all tend to push problems aside when family is visiting), we made it through with out any major issues.  After some long naps on Sunday we all sat down for some heart warming eats.  Josh took the more calm environment to have little introspective talk with Viv when the other kids were finished (Viv is always the last to finish because she gets distracted even when eating food).

Josh opened the conversation with:
"I know we had a few rough days back there.  Is there anything you want to ask me about the new expectations?"

Viv: "Why do I have to have consequences?"

Josh gave me a calming glance that had "Chill out, I've got this" written all over it.  He knew I was still pretty heated about things and often feel that her questions are a bit, well, manipulated or manufactured.  He can often give a more genuine approach to things.

Josh: "Why do you thing we have consequences?"  Ah yes, use the best of the communication tactics available from "How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk."

After appropriate stall for a bite of food and dramatic draw of attention, Viv: "Because that is how we learn?"

Sounds reminiscent of a lesson we may have had a thousand million times.  Josh illustrates with the available fork why it is good to learn from consequence instead of continually stabbing yourself in the hand over and over again with the pointed prongs of unwise choices.

Viv: "But I don't like consequences."
Josh: "That's why we have them.  Would you ever learn anything new if you knew you could get ice cream by just doing the same thing all the time?"
Viv, with a unwanting air to admit it; "I guess not.  I should learn."

Their conversation continued a bit longer with some semi-satisfying results and Josh ends his portion of the discussion with a giant squeezing hug telling Viv how much he loves her and how much she believes in her ('reprove betimes with sharpness and show an increase of love after"+ practicing what he is reading in "Building Confidence in your Child" + Josh's amazing ability to forgive and forget until the next infraction).  Josh then nods over her tiny shoulder toward me, the muted observer that I should follow suit and frankly forgive her for the past 4 days of emotional turmoil and confidence destroying tactics that she and I have jointly gone through.  Viv suspects that the pregnant pause also means it is now Mommy's turn to chime in on the subject.  I gather up all my mothering instincts to be the bigger person, and surrender them to my personal wounds:

Me: "Viv, I have a question.  Why should I have to forgive you over and over again when you show no signs of really repenting?"

With a slight tilt of the head and her biggest brown eyed practiced innocence, "Because you love me.?" Her answer was a statement, yet when she saw the skeptical response in my face she retracted her confident body language back into a question, showing me that I was supposed to explain it to her.  Josh's eyes also lazer-beamed a grown up look into my person, probably trying to awaken that grown-up I had shoved out of the way earlier.

"God loves all His children, but He can't bless them until they repent."

It was a semi-textual example of how the Bible can truly be used for situational advantage.

In truth, I don't remember where the rest of the conversation went with Viv because I got side-tracked with the fact that I may have just twisted doctrine to suit my preferences.  In my personal conviction of religious perspective I really try to keep a textual connectedness to all principles taught from scripture and abhor the extracted use of words for isolated benefit.  But when it comes to examples of parenting through the scriptures, it gets rather confusing.

God's adjust for each of His children through time.  There is the vindictive role of God in the Old Testament who punishes with candor. Yet, the moments of tender instruction to His prophets illuminates the willing forgiveness on the edge of the clouds for all of Abraham's seed, His chosen people.  It makes like children of Israel look like real idiots when they can't get their act together and just get out of the wilderness.  And what about the God of deliverance that helps poor Joseph rise from the bottom of the pits and prison to rule over all Egypt?  The lesson is that parenting is situational.  Or is the lesson that some kids are just better than others so it is easier to bless them?

Within the last years I read a inspiring parenting help book entitled "5 Spiritual Solutions for Everyday Parenting Challenges" by Richard and Linda Eyre, the founders of Joy Schools.  Their second suggested solution is "Remember God's Parenting Patterns."  They pull 15 patterns out of the scriptural accounts of God's dealing with His children.  Some resonate more prolifically with my own nature:
 3. God gives clear, simple laws with will-announced consequences, rewards, and punishments.
 8. God has a plan of happiness for His children
15. God makes family central to all and the core of His purpose.
And some just seem a bit non-applicable:
11. God sent His eldest son to help and save us.
12. God sends angels.
Others are still in the works for me personally, and obviously stumbling blocks for my relationship with Viv in particular:
1. God grants us complete, unconditional love.
4. God allows His children the chance to repent.
5 God taught us and trained us and held us close throughout the premortal life, and then He gave us choices and let us go.
13. God finds joy in His children and in His relationship with them.

Graciously, God is my Father, and is perfect in those points of parenting I struggle with.
2. God sees (and treats) each child as a unique and eternal individual.
In other words, I needn't worry if Viv is one who needs washed out in a flood or lifted from the ashes, I need to work with the individual she is and figure out how to get a bit closer to God so He can help me with her.  In my calm moments, I can see that and feel that.  It is in the more mortal moments that I loose my footing.  The best lesson in forgiveness will be in trusting that the Lord will forgive me for those moments I really messed it up with Viv.  She already forgives me.  That is humbling.  Because I love her, and I really really do, I will forgive and learn, too.  In parenting, we must always remember that we are just as much a child in God's eyes.

Yeah, she's cute and she know's it.  Lil stinker

Sarcasm, bleh!

The world of sarcasm is really starting to rub me wrong.

I have long thought that sarcasm is the less witty version of humor that has evolved out of bitter society and lack of punny things to say.  That may be rooted in lack of education or just being lackadaisical.  Either way, the predominance of sarcasm from the junior high "just kidding" to frankly just over characterizing others in a negative light, all in the ruse of making a sarcastic statement (purportedly humorous) is RUDE.

Sadly, I do admit that I laugh at others expense all the time.  And, some people that are the genuine artifact of dry sarcasm are some of my favorite people.  But, here I am on the end (in a very global not-directly-connected-way) of a sarcastic jibe and I am upset.  Not only that, but after reading a plethora of sarcasm yesterday my spunky optimism was a bit shaken.  RUDE people.

Just goes to show that not everything popular is praiseworthy.

The key is consistency

At semester's end  and the beginning of a master's thesis, I have begun researching mommy blogs.  There is a whole world of literacy for women that has dominated the blogosphere since its inception.  In order to hone my research I have be sampling the recommended 'top' mommy blogs to find 10 that I will focus on in my research of morality in mothering through literacy.

Along the way, through all this reading, and searching, and laughing (I am part of this community of women mother bloggers and it sits all so close to home, it is hilarious), I found out how I could have been a success.

I started this blog in August of 2008.  I have posted, in that five year span, 509 posts.  Roughly 100 posts a year.  Most of the top mommy bloggers have averaged a life of 5 years or more on the blogosphere.  I have not crunched their numbers, but based on their current practices, the main difference between them and me (beyond popularity, but this is to be described) is consistency and frequency.  These ladies blog daily or at minimum weekly.  They are consistent, and their fan base rewards them with following them.  Yes, they are hilarious and others relate to them, and then they get more fans because you come back to see what new they are going to post.  And so goes the blogosphere.  Mommy's making a little side cash from being visible.

I also realized that I could also be a published author by now if I had been consistent with blogging.  That might seem like a bit of a bigger leap, but it is not so big.  Most of the top bloggers have published books.  The correlation is tied to the fact they have drafted the majority of their novels in their blogs.  Yes, their books are primarily memoirs, which is the same thing as a daily blog post, mostly.  If you finding material each day to blog about, it is something you are researching and writing about, which is the process of novel writing, just putting a few more conjunctive clauses in there.

The realization sinks in that if I had just been a little more consistent all my dreams would come true.  True, not even my dreams have been consistent.  So I will just stick with the current phase of dreams and move forward with new motivation to draft my writing and see if I get popular in the mean time.  Isn't that the way it is?

And since they are already popular and I enjoy reading them, here are a few from my top list:
dooce.com by Heather Armstrong - most popular by far, so I get to involve it in the research, a little scattered though
The Bloggess - snarky and lots of cats, speaks to the 'at home' more than 'mommy'
The Pioneer Woman - still on the fence with how commercialized it has become in aspects but the confessions part is back to Ree
Edenland, has an aussie twist but so tender, very real and true to her life
Girls Gone Child- lovely writing and mommy centered

Obviously I have more to sort through, and I am filtering them some based on criteria for my research.  And, to give credit to this trade, writing a good blog post does take time and would be a wonderful job. Just this post has taken me about an hour (of course most of that has been sidetracked reading the blogs).  And now I have increased the popularity of the populated mommy blog space, follow on!

Early Fall Re-cap

I love that Josh and Danny work together on 'man projects.'  And without being sexist, the girls actually did not want to help Josh and I preferred mopping the floors in the other room.  Danny did get one could hit on Josh's thumb.

First weekend in October is a joyful relaxation as we join to listen to the living prophet.  On Saturday the kids were totally tuned in and making notes.  It did not last all the way through to the last session on Sunday, yet I count it as an amazing triumph that they are now take notes!

We got our first scholastic book order through the kids' school.  Since it was delivered through Danny's class (my most trusted child) he couldn't help but notice a very cool StarWars lego book that was meant as a Christmas present.  He is such a good boy we just let him enjoy it.  Danny and Daddy spent at least 15 minutes each night reading and following the instructions to build several different fighters or cannons and such.  It was well worth the early Christmas sneak.

I did some fall weather clean in the yard and cut out the sunflowers that had been harvested by the squirrels.  This sunflower was our largest, and they harvested most all the seeds out of it!  Larger than my head.

The kids had a day out of school for teacher inservice (who knows what those days are really for) which we celebrated by taking a bike riding trip to Pokagon State park to enjoy the early fall colors.  Daddy took a half day off work to join us and we enjoyed a full afternoon of running, biking, and enjoying nature.

Good thing it was a State park and not a national park - not only was it open, but the naturalist was there to feed the catfish and snakes live worms for us in the nature center.

She is only smiling because there is glass between them.  This rattler was ready to strike, all rattling and everything!

I always love this sloping tree grove down to the water's edge.

We got as close as you can to swans with small children.  

The next day was "Fall Festival" at the kids' school.  Mostly it was an event for families to get to know each other and the kids to play in the woods with their friends some more.  They did sing a couple of songs they have been learning during music time, including the school theme song "tall oaks, from little acorns grow..." I don't know the rest yet because those are the only lines that Viv will repeat.

While waiting for the hay-less ride we played on tire swings and had dutch oven cooking.

We then rode behind a horse around the school campus.  

Yep, that field is part of the campus.

So is that field.  The title does not deceive, it is Oak FARM Montessori.  

Magic Playhouse

October 5th 2013.  A slightly gray and rainy day.  The weather was trying to switch between summer and fall, but the air still held onto the sweet warmth of summer fun.  It was Saturday, and the indoors were already boring the creative and amazing three Button children.  

Mom released them to the outdoors, realizing that a little rain couldn't hurt and you don't honestly catch a cold from getting your feet wet.  It seemed they had disappeared for a bit after some jubilant dancing in the falling downpour.  

Mom watched from the indoor kitchen window as the little people disappeared one by one into the small playhouse.  Although she knew they were safe in their little world, and being in the playhouse was most likely the most dry place to play outside on such a rainy day, Mom was curious.  She snuck out the door to see what was holding them in their little house.

As Mom arrived within ear shot she heard the familiar phrase : "The wind began to blow.
It blew harder and harder.
The house started to spin.
Faster and faster!
Danny squeezed his eyes shut.
Then everything was still.  Absolutely still."

As some may recognize, the children had just replayed the very sequence from "Magic Tree House" reading series.

As they stepped out of the house, the described to each other their new surroundings and the adventure that lay ahead for them.  They were in Easter land!  There were colorful eggs all around.  And danger!  There was danger there....over there!

Mom slipped back indoors, knowing that adults create only the safe bounds in which children are free to imagine, but when they encroach, the magic dissipates.  Mom could wait until they pointed at the picture of Fort Wayne and whirled home in their magic playhouse.

Fort-4-Fit 2013

This year for Fort-4-Fit was way better than last year!  First, I did not attempt the half-marathon distance with very little training.  Nor did I care to do the half-marathon course with its oh-so-discouraging uphill in the last three miles.  I did the 10K distance.  It was a lovely course.  I felt fantastic and met my goal.  I had been training with my wonderful friend Naomi and we ran the first half together.  Naomi is a budding runner and did fantastic.  We have slightly different paces but I wanted to make sure I didn't dart out the gate so was happy for Naomi's steady pacing in the beginning. I

There are several points in the race where there is just enough of a slope that you can see the sea of runners ahead of you.  Because I was just hanging with Naomi for the first few miles I enjoyed rolling along with the flow and could pull out my phone to take some photos en route!  I did feel strong enough to pick up pace around mile three.  It felt great knowing I wasn't going to bonk and I was able to pass all those people.  Considering I am a competitive person, this strategy was perfect for me, although it may have been disheartening for others that I jetted past on seemingly fresh legs.  I hate being passed.  Didn't get passed at all this year!  So very juvenile of me, but it was good for my ego. 

 I especially felt good (and this is the meanest part of my character coming right through) at the juncture point of the half-marathon course and the 10K.  At that point it is 4 miles in for 10K runners and mile10 for the half-marathoners.  I remember distinctly how much I hated that very unfair joining of races when I did the longer course last year.  I hated that I had just suffered up a hill and was getting a bit of mental capacity back just enough to want to keep a rabbit goal ahead when -WHAM!!- happy little skippy fresh 10K runners start to zoom on past.  It was no fun last year.  As the tables were turned this year, it was AWESOME!  I even merged right with a person from my Church who was plodding along.  I felt great, left him with some words of encouragement and skipped right along.  Fun race.  I met my time goal, which was based on the guessed pacing needed between running with Naomi and what I could make up on my own.  It felt fantastic, which is another good result.

Josh and the kids met me at the finish line. I could pick their little cheers out as I came down the home stretch to homeplate despite the large crowds.  There is a tuning very fine in a mother's ear that can hear her children through anything.  I loved it.  Then it was home and to making a new computer desk.  We shall see how Fort-4-Fit fits me next year!

The quality of equality OR no need for the knee-jerk reactions

As part of my recent critical academic research I have realized a deeply embedded truth of my own.  Happily, this truth is supported by a great many smart people, people that I revere and hope to 'fit in' with in a professional way.  The quality that runs oh so deep in my belief is:

There is no reason to fight when you have truth on your side.  And more importantly, it is only through respectfully understanding both sides of the issue can you positively affect others of either persuasion by your own stance.

Here are a few statements from very different genres that have enjoined the 'Hallelujah" chorus of my soul in some of my recent readings.
From Jennifer Cruise, a New York Times best-selling author in the romance genre: (full article here)

So what do we do about this? How can we win in the face of this unfairness?

Well, we can calmly point out the intellectual dishonesty of those who criticize the entire genre instead of individual books. We can argue that romance fiction is maligned because it’s so threatening to rigid political and academic structures. And we can show that it’s actually one of the more honest forms of fiction being written about women today.

But the truth is, that’s all probably a waste of time because the critics don’t matter, the readers do; we don’t write to please establishments, we write to reach women. And by writing good books, we counteract decades of pessimism with narratives of realistic optimism, we break through knee-jerk limitations on women imposed by both the political right and the political left, and we refute the sterile elitism of current literary criticism. We entertain, we enlighten, we empower, and in the end we influence far more people than any of our critics ever will. As much fun as it might be to bring the critics to their knees, we really don’t need to. In every way that matters, we’ve already won.

Written about Terryl Givens, a dominant Mormon Studies professor and co-author of "The God Who Weeps":

Grant Hardy, a history professor at the University of North Carolina-Asheville, said there is no one he would rather argue with than Givens.

“He’s articulate and he’s sharp; very prolific,” Hardy said. “I don’t always think he gets everything right, but he gets things wrong in interesting and provocative ways, and that’s useful for scholarly dialogue.”

Givens doesn’t believe in separating spiritual commitments from his professional vocation, thanks to a statement by the Prophet Joseph Smith, which reads, “It is our duty to concentrate all our influence to make popular that which is sound and good.” The LDS professor was determined to integrate his faith and professional life.

“It behooves us both as scholars and disciples to find that which is praiseworthy and celebrate it,” Givens said. “Whether that’s in the spirit or in the mind, intellect or culture, that’s what I’ve sought to do as a professional and a disciple.” (article here)

And a bit from Joanna Brooks, also know as "The Book of Mormon Girl," a scholar that has been a dominant voice for Mormon's in mainstream and contemporary conversations:

Perhaps there was a time when the dominant patterns of economic and family life and the infrastructural demands of growing a worldwide church made it very pragmatic to map the entire administration of the church onto a gendered division of labor. But surely that time is past.  Gendered divisions of labor make less and less sense in the context of emerging twenty-first century patterns of economic and family life.  All around me I see working Mormon women—wage stagnation (and increased corporate profit-taking) since the 1970s makes the two income family basic reality for all but more affluent LDS people.  And all around me I see Mormon men profoundly involved in the parenting and nurture of their children.  Some men are outstanding nurturers, in fact, and some women are not; some women are incredible analysts and administrators and some men are not.  Why should these capacities not all be honored as sacred and useful, regardless of gender? Put-your-shoulder-to-the-wheel egalitarianism in Church administration and leadership seems more in keeping with the pragmatic spirit of Mormonism than a biological essentialism-driven folk doctrine that would prioritize the performance of nineteenth- and early twentieth-century Euro-American gender roles over the work of salvation.

For me, the questions about priesthood, gender, and authority outnumber the answers.  I have faith the day will come when the questions will have answers.  I do hope that day will come sooner than later.  But without waiting, with no theological change at all, there is so much that can be done to manifest a greater commitment to gender equality in a faith that teaches that all are alike unto God. (full article here)

What each of these excerpts illuminates is a willingness to engage the conversation from an equally respectful point of view, hum over it for a bit, and then stick your ground.  They each convey a simple commitment to what they believe without having to "put on the gloves."  To be able to discuss things having been informed of both sides and  be useful in the dialogue is my hope.  So wonderful to feel the truth in many different avenues (as you can see from three very different sources above!).