Manstinct

Josh and I alternate putting the kids to bed, mostly based on what story the kids are most interested in hearing that night.  Josh is content with reading the Magic Treehouse adventures to the kids, long enough for both he and Danny to fall asleep and then the girls just fall asleep because Daddy's sonorous tones are matched only by his sweet light snoring.  I read because I don't want to do the dished and Faith really wants to hear more of Little Women and Josh can't do the voices.  Most of the time Josh joins us as I read so he can hear the story to and get in his sweet nap on the floor of the kids' room.  

One evening he was left was the dishes and did not join us.  I read until all but Faith was asleep and then remained reading ahead in the novel as she settled down to sleep.  I stayed there longer until I heard a thumping from the floorboards.  It was morse code - S.O.S.  Either the rats had gotten really large and learned how to communicate via telegraphs or Josh was on another one of his half-though 'man-stinct' adventures.  

Sure enough, as I went into the eating area and began to yell at the carpet I was assured that Josh and fit himself in the very small crawl space under the addition of the house to see if he could put more insulation under there.  Josh has a fettish with insulation.  He had crawled through the sometimes letterbox area in order to put one strip of insulation under the kids' room.  He had not made it to the kids' room, it was impassible.  All of those additions made to the original foundation were not made accessible to each other, which also thwarted his attempts to 'sure up' the kitchen floor.  

I tried to put on my best supportive wife voice and kindly tell him "I told you so" without being impolite, he was, after all, mired in dirt and other unseemly things hauling insulation to the nether-lands of our under-house.  I tried to make his return back to sanity a little easier by shining a light back to the exit area.  And then I watched as the foundation of our house birthed my husband, breach.

It may have been alarming to hear an S.O.S signal from random parts of my home, but it is not.  On another insulation escapade, Josh wedged him in the smallest attic space possible and then pounded S.O.S on the ceiling of our front room to let me know he was slowly suffocating and would I please shove more insulation toward him so he could crawl out.  Disgruntled yet again, I bit my tounge as not to say "this is worthless, and I told you so" and pass the insulation while trying not to die myself. I have come to accept that the motivation behind so many of Josh's 'need to provide' moments are motivated by "man-stinct" not logic.

Logic says that the actual benefit of putting a roll of insulation in a small area will not actually drop our heating bill significantly enough to worry about the trouble of getting it there.  Manstinct says that if I can prove that I can do it, I am a man that provides well for my family.  I suppose if he does not have the ability to go and trap food or shoot enemies, I must give him this small expression of manhood in urban life.

On Sunday, as the Fort Wayne area began to panic because more than three inches of snow was falling and there would be sub-zero temperatures, I heard the all familiar S.O.S.  This time it came from the roof.  Josh was on the flat roof certain that if he did not shovel of the weighty snow than it would surely collapse in the coming days.  I stuck my head out of the door to check if he was in actual danger when he requested that I go over to the neighbors and as for a snow shovel.  Wha? You went onto the roof to shovel it off without the proper equipment?  In a less polite mood, I hollered back that I was sorry but I did not support his current actions and he was welcome to get himself out of his own foolish position.  I wrapped myself tighter in a quilt and scuffled off in my haughty decision, until I saw the neighbor man who undoubtedly heard us hollering to each other coming out of his house bundled up to offer a shovel to Josh on the roof.  The shared moment of manstinct was touching as they collaborated on the need to insure their family's safety.

Yes, I am grateful that my husband has the instinct to provide and protect us all.  Although I may disagree with him frequently as to the most efficacious way in which to carry out said protection and providence, I breathe deeply and remind myself to be grateful.  Josh is a good man doing his best for us all, even when it gets him into tight spots.

2013? It was awesome

I don't know how I got away with neglecting our family's version of keeping track of what we have done (and sometimes just what I am thinking), but here it is, into a new year and I have neglected some of the finest finishes on 2013.  I will, of course blame it on the end of semester stresses and the flu, which caught us all off guard.  Yet, without dwelling too much on the missed opportunity of the past, here are some of the awesome photo-captured remaining moments of 2013:

A fantastically organized and generous classmate of the kids invited us all over to do a  gingerbread creation entry into the annual gingerbread festival.  Not only was it mega fun to see the kids playing together outside of school and working somewhat on the creation, it motivated us to go to the Gingerbread Festival downtown this year.  I understand it is a fundraiser so I will forgive the entrance fee to see candy piled in one giant room.  Pretty impressive, and the kids won 3rd place in their category for their interpretation of the historical impact of Interstates bypassing Fort Wayne rather than going straight through.

Since the children have recess in a lovely forest with amazing fall colors, like little squirrels they started to bring home their natural spoils.  We determined to put them to good use in one flourish of craftiness (which comes bi-annually for me).  The kids prepared gratitude trees for their classrooms made from the pieces of their very own woods.  It is amazing what some scrap wood and metallic spray paint can do.  I was most excited about the effect of focusing on what we are grateful for had on myself as well as the kids.  It was a good year to remember we are blessed.

Thanksgiving was a much slighter crowd than I prefer, which did not stop me from creating the regular smorgasbord of foods.  Thanksgiving is one of those days in the year when I enjoy making a lot of laborious foods to share with others.  The kids were my favorite companions through all the preparations and their enthusiasm and anticipation made the holiday so much sweeter than my sour attitude may have turned it.  And, low and behold, this year was a fantastic pie year!  Many thanks go to my amazing friend Naomi who has master the art of pie crusts and shared her recipe with me.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving started off our Christmas season with Advent.  I can't say enough how cool it is to have kids in this stage that makes everything magical again.  The kids were enthralled with setting a formal table and all the preparations.  Our dinner guests were hit-and-miss again this year (a very disappointing aspect of sharing a tradition with a modern society), but as Josh says, we have better company with our kids sometimes than if we were to invite others to join us.  Four Sundays of our favorite foods and we are fine either way!

Christmas Eve my darling husband ushered the kids through as many traditions as possible as I lay slave to a porcelain god. The stomach flu which the girls has overcome the week before waited for Christmas Eve to hit Danny and I.  Danny was a better patient than I and pulled out of the pukes within 6 hours.  My aging body was relentless in holding on to some severe inflammation for a few days but hey, I am learning to love and respect my body and its crazy anti-immune disease.  I particularly love this picture because it is a replay of a Christmas picture nearly 3 years old.  Oh they are still just as cute.

Josh's birthday came like clockwork the day after Christmas.  The kids were no less excited about gift opening, even if it were all for Daddy.  We open first thing in the morning so birthdays are like Christmas.  As any old-fogie would, Josh's gifts were practical work clothes and a challenge for a Spartan race in the spring. ;) we won't succumb to age gracefully.

On New Year's Eve, at 8:30pm, when everyone was asleep but myself, I opened up my early birthday present to myself and cuddled up with a kitten to usher in the New Year. As we say, the New Year will come whether  you are awake or not, so we may as well sleep!  I was cozy, and still wearing the pajamas on the 2nd as my birthday rolled around (I changed out of them for the day of New Years but got back in for the sleeping, oh so cozy).  

We had thought the last of our holiday vacation days had come by the end of today, but hooray for snow!  The 'severe weather' storm of the winter hit today, which reminded me of many a day sitting at the cabin in my childhood, lightly falling snow most of the day accumulating nicely up to 12 inches.  Church was cancelled.  Pretty much everything in Fort Wayne is cancelled for the next two days.  I suppose their snow plows are extra clunky? Knowing it was a wet snow the kids and Josh went out to smash as much of it together as possible in cute forms.  Supposedly it will be very cold the next few days after today.  Who cares, we still have more vacation together tomorrow!

The Golden Boy

While on a date with friends Friday night we were talking about Danny.  My good friend was extolling how sweet and wonderful he is to her husband.  My friend had only known Danny for a few months and met him in person a handful of times.  We agreed with every possible positive thing she said. Danny really is the perfect boy.  "He's our favorite," I said without hesitation.  "Oh, but you wouldn't say that any place else," remarked the disbelieving husband.  "We might modify it a bit in front of the kids.  But really, he is the perfect boy and has never given us reason to dislike anything about him," was my reply.

On Friday last Danny was overwhelmed with being sick (a cold and reactive airway issues), less than 10 hours of sleep on average each night through the week, and too few mommy cuddles, so as he had a melt down over carrying his lunchbox to the car and begged to stay with Mama for the day, a knowing glance between Josh and I made it final.  Danny got a Mama day of resting and cuddles.  

We spent the day relaxing, which is so perfectly easy to do with Danny.  He is chill with waiting around while I do the chores.  He helps as asked and is curious about how my day goes.  With his help my morning chores were done quickly and we set out on a few projects together.  We have been wanting to do better about teaching the kids proper properties of finances so Danny and I crafted up some money banks.  The project was so delightful with him.  For a five year old, he is remarkably restrained and collected in his thoughts.  He observes intently and only asks questions if they are not readily apparent.  His childlike nature still gets excited about little discoveries.  Best of all, he is the most supportive and encouraging companion.  Throughout the project he kept telling me how well I was doing and how wonderful it was turing in out. I don't exaggerate, he really is this great.

We built upon the money grouping principles he had been learning at school to separate his money into tithing (charity), savings, and spending.  Another testament to Danny's goodness is his monetary worth.  This boy earns more money than the girls combined!  He cares to earn money and loves to save it.  He really is his father's son in that regard.  Part of the process of teaching banking in groups is that there is not often an equal amount of the unit there.  I left the option to Danny as to what he would like to do with his 'remainder' money.  Without hesitation he snatched the coins up and said "I want to put it in tithing to show God I love Him!"  This boy is golden.

Later we got to our purpose of catching up on sleep.  Danny has always been my most cuddly baby and I still love laying next to him for he will melt right into you comfortably and slow your heart rate down with his smooth breathing as he instantly falls into sleep.  He is such a calm sleeper the cats will come to him instantly to cuddle and sleep as well.  This day Danny was actually holding Toggs by the paw while they napped.  Chris was trying to groom them all three with intermittently grooming Danny's exposed arm and Toggs' head and his own hind quarters.

Danny is certainly a boy for whom I give daily thanks.  Even on his worst moments, he is angelic.  He and Viv are in a stage of getting frustrated with each other, which distresses Danny.  After hearing them start to flare up in the other room, Danny will come running to me exasperated with an air of despair as he describes how he wants things to work out differently.  Even when he gets frustrated with Josh he shows exemplary restraint.  At dinner a few nights back Josh was demanding something of Danny that was not to his liking.  Danny took a few steps back from the table and stood taking deep breaths.  His concentrated face and clenched fists were enough to tell me what was going on.  Josh had to ask.  In response Danny said "I am controlling my anger."  Oh what a blessed skill!

Moments, good or bad, are joyous with our golden boy.  God was gracious in giving us our miracle boy.  I don't know how all the mechanics worked out for him to come so easily to our family, but I cannot give thanks enough for the role he plays in it.  

but they aren't brothers

I know these two are often each other's only companions, but sometimes these two dudes are too close.

Life lessons from Burlington to the Book of Mormon

During our  verse-intense scripture study yesterday morning at breakfast we read "And it came to pass that the Lord said unto me; If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou has been faithful;...(Ether 12:37)"

As I stopped to define all the 'they's and 'thee's Viv paused as if making a deep connection.  This was my secret hope, that our 'mamacita' would recognize that it is a Godly principle to mind your own business.

After a longer than usual pause between breakfast bites she blurts our "Yesterday a lady at Burlington coat factory was not using charity to a grandma."  Yes, she was right.  We had unfortunately been in the kids shoe section when a very unfortunate woman decided to take out some of her agression on an innocent old lady that brushed up against her cart.  It was a very disturbing incident.  I had felt horrible all evening long just recalling what had happened, lamenting that not only the kids were in ear shot, but that I didn't think there was anything I could do but wished badly I could have changed something.

Scenario: A late 20s woman with a large cart containing a child pushes into a shoe aisle.  An older lady, later self-identified as 65, tries to exit the same aisle and bumps the cart since it is a tight fit.  Angry 20something blurts extremely loud "Whoa, you could have at least said excuse me or something!!" acting terribly injured.  The undetermined response must have been apologetic in nature for it was in a low tone and non affronting.  20something retorts "You could have done something instead of just barging past.  You touched my child!! And you don't just touch people's kids without asking!" Another quiet response in which she excused herself with a bit more of defense presumably.  The loud response was "well you need to learn how to respect people and not walk around like you own thing!!" or other likewise rude statement to which the older lady finally loses patience and retaliates "I am 65 years old you little brat! I could be your grandmother!"  I felt the same.  20something was being a complete brat.  Then 20something fumes back "Oh yeah, well you are a B**** !You lucky my gran ain't here because she would ....." At which point gratefully I had found the shoes needed with the kids and started walking away from the shoe section trying to explain to the children what an unfortunate and disrespectful interlude we had overheard. All the while still hearing 20something's declarations of perceived injustice.  

The incident did not sit well with me all evening.  Hearing such rude things and not being able to do much about it makes my heart hurt.  And apparently it affects the little people more than we understand.  The next morning, after ample evening distractions and a full night of sleep Viv recounted "That grandma called the lady a brat and that wasn't nice either. That isn't showing charity."  No, it wasn't we tried to explain, grateful in some sorts for having something real life to relate the scriptures to.  In the middle of our parental wisdom Viv bursts, "And then the lady called the grandma a B****"  Yes she did.  How unfortunate.  How did that make you feel when you heard those words? "Very sad."  So you wouldn't want to be like either of those women and create a situation where you using those words would make anyone else very sad, including your parents. "No."  We can't change what other people do, but we are affected by their choices.  That is why the Lord wants us to focus on what we are doing, to know for ourselves that we have "been faithful" in using charity the best we can.

The lesson ended with the allotted time passing and we had to get off to school.  My heart hurt again for a bit.  I don't think I could have done anything to be a positive example in that situation at Burlington for my children to see.  Although I desperately wanted to step in and defend the 65 year old woman, or at least apologize for 20something, the demeanor of 20something would have just made it more negative and there is a bit to self preservation. I was hurt just overhearing her mean words, being in the middle would have been worse and I would have lost my cool.  So all my kids heard was their conversation and their mother's dismissive comments about rude and uncharitable treatment of others in the shoe aisle.

This morning, as we reviewed the first part of verse 37 from the previous day and moved onto the rest, I felt like Moroni maybe hit the feeling spot on, although a bit haughty:
"(Lord speaking still) wherefore, they garments shall be made clean. And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down int he place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father." The kids immediately pointed to our drawing on the wall which we have been relating to since the first of this chapter in Ether-

note that there is a seat on the right hand of God for the believers.  As we read in this part of Ether that another qualifications to fill that seat is to demonstrate charity and also have been washed clean through the Savior's atonement.  

Moroni continues his thoughts in verse 38: "And now I, Moroni, bid farewell unto the Gentiles, yea and also unto my brethren whom I love, until we shall meet before the judgement-seat of Christ, where all men shall know that my garments are not spotted with your blood."

There it was, Moroni felt it, I feel it sometimes too.  I can't be responsible for all those nasty people in the world, I just have to focus on myself and the kids.  But it does sound a little haughty don't you think that Moroni professes he will be there looking back on everyone else, with a tinge of self-righteous omnipotence knowing he is clean?  Granted he is a prophet and running away from all the bad guys on the planet who want to kill him at every minute (this is Moroni's second good-bye speech in the Book of Mormon, and not his last).  But, the picture I get feels really self-justifying; perhaps because I am putting myself in Moroni's spot and looking back at 20something.  

(obviously I have not got the whole charity thing down quite right yet)

A birthday in question: when parenting makes an otherwise festive occasion really forced

Viv's birthday is October 16th.  Having been born in 2007 she was on schedule to celebrate her 6th year of life.  Birthday celebrations are to mark the passing of age and growth into new stages in life.  And this year, we found out how negotiable birthdays can be.

The introduction of birthday celebrations in our family with Viv made a dramatic shift.  When we celebrated her 4th birthday we fast realized that the whole idea of 'my special day' was going to have to be eradicated from the family dialogue.  No more of the queen for the day if they are going to be a regular tyrant!  We also learned that gifts were going to have to take on a very significant purpose so as not to be expected as a reward just for having stayed alive one more year.  We do not support any hint of entitlement in this home.

Thus evolved over the last to years the family tradition of celebrating the things that make the birthday child special. I have really really liked this method, not just for the psychological effect on the kids, but for the mentality it puts me in as a parent preparing the days purpose; especially as it relates to choosing gifts.  Gifts now represent what we truly feel is special about our children and how far they have come in the past year.  As they open the gift we are happy to explain to them how their accomplishments of that year have affected the family and how we want to rejoice with them in all the good they have done and can continue to do as we support them.

Even with our most managed discussion of what birthdays are for, Viv has a built in diva that sets the day up as ultra dramatic.  As she is developing she displayed the budding awareness of dates and passage of time leading up to her birthday.  In her excited way, she was announcing to everyone weeks in advance the approach special day for her.  "How old will you be?" the friendly person asks.  "I'm turning 6!"  

Well, it is no secret that we have regressive struggles with Viv that range from two year old tantrums (yes still throwing her self on the ground folks) to three year old potty training to four year old indecision.  Yes, we grant her the grace of not having had the most smooth transition through many of those developmental stages and know that her brain is in a marathon race to retrieve some lost time, however, anyone who knows Viv knows she has a super developed sense of street smarts and awareness of social cues. 

 Thus, on a difficult day, facing more of the two-year-old than an almost-six-year-old,  Jost tapped into the hot-topic resource for our parenting benefit.  Watching her from the rear-view mirror pout and kick and nearly bite her siblings, Josh calmly said "I don't know Viv if you are actually turning six this year." Despite her will to be sour, the mention of the magic day snapped her out of her mis-matched emotion.  "What?!"  Her eyes popped open and the indignity of the possibility that she might not make it to her self-announced milestone stopped the whole show.  "I don't know.  You just don't seem to be acting like a girl who is almost turning six.  You are acting more like a four-year-old.  Maybe you are just going to stay five this year."  Viv's reaction to this plausible pause in time and progression toward becoming what she most wants to be, a teenager, was enough to give us the parenting ammunition we needed to keep her at point for the next few weeks.

Yes, we were shameless enough to hold her birthday over her head to help motivate her toward the behaviors we knew she could master.  As a desperate parent, you will use whatever you have, and generally that means you manipulate what is most important to the child at the time.  How many parents ground their children from the one thing they like most?  It works.  With Viv we have just learned that what she holds on to most is not material, it is the immaterial status of various social positions.  If you want her to stop spiraling herself into another mammoth fit, all Josh does is pull out his camera phone and let her know he is going to show it to whichever person Viv is most interested in impressing at the time.  This scares me sometimes because I worry that we are instilling some sort of social shame inside her, but what else have we got?

Back to the birthday.  

Viv really did do her very best and the equations of age and behavior were made more and more clear to her.  We just mentioned what age range her behavior was most developmentally appropriate for and she made adjustments.  Not that we were always setting her back, we also rewarded her with the idea that she really is acting her own age, or even above it when appropriate.  The night before her birthday, when I traditionally take up a little more of my precious sleep time to hang streamers and put the gifts on the table for the waking birthday child I was not in the mood to do it.  I still didn't think she was there.  Luckily, I have a loving and forgiving man as my companion and Viv's daddy who went and hung the streamers and I lay acting like a thirteen-year-old fuming in my own room.  

 A bit of sleep and earnest prayer met the morn of the 16th with a renewed possibility that all we will be better today.  We got Viv to school with her photo album to share at community time and I made it through the day planning to make it a special one for Viv.  Once home from school we had a dance party to a Glee Pandora station (Viv loves any music from Glee or Taylor Swift, I swear she is a preteen some days).  Viv wanted to frost her brownie-cheesecake dessert with purple frosting herself despite the sugar alert sirens blaring in my head.  Then we set up for dinner of ramen noodles, her preferred choice.  When Daddy joined us for dinner then we got to the celebrations of what makes Viv special to us:

6, yes all 6, flower power candles on an over sweet 'cake.'

Cards from grandparents and aunts that emphasized the qualities that they felt were best in Viv.

Sparkly leotards for another year of huge improvements in Gymnastics.  She shines there and is her most focused and uses her body to her best potential as a gymnast, which we love about her and for her.

The semi-practical gift..

"Never Peed in panties" which is significant for a six year old to never pee in her panties anymore....it didn't last long unfortunately.

This book reminds me exactly of Viv!   "YOU WILL BE MY FRIEND!" by Peter Brown is the story of super confident Lucy bear who is determined to make every creature in the forest her best friend.  In the end she finds that just being calm and allowing people to get to know you is the best way to make friends.  There is certainly a moral in there that we hope will pass on to Viv.

The National Geographic "First book of Why?" was another natural book to give to Viv.  We do love her inquisitive conversationalist but are encouraging to find her own answers to questions this year rather than expecting everyone else to give her answers or opinions.

 After the actual birthday Viv figured she had got to what she wanted and needn't pay attention to the behaviors of a six year old, since she was six now anyway, which didn't fly for us as parents.  Yes, we did take back some of her gifts as bounty until she reversed some of her reversals.  It still meant enough to her to 'grow-up' that she has now, more than two weeks later, earned back all her representative gifts of moving into a six-year-old life.  Yes, it has been a bit silly to have to hold in question Viv's actual developmental age this last while, but the pay off is worth it.  Even if we do look like mean parents for awhile and forced the issue just a bit.

When work is still play

October 28th, 2013

The one task of Fall outdoor clean up that never seems to be a chore; raking leaves.

Building giant piles and creating a nest all your own like never before, raking leaves.

Enjoying what nature discards and gathering the discharged from above; raking leaves.

Sounds and scents that linger in your coat as crunchy little bits bite fuzzy linings; raking leaves.

Being immersed in nature as our body's do the work that our mind hasn't yet figured out is work; raking leaves.