LaFoo, I'm afraid I've been thinking....

While driving, daily, to kids school, from kids school, to my school, home again, I have taken to driving with my thoughts as passenger. A dangerous pastime, I know.

Luckily my mind is in a positive spot to talk with me and the dialogue has been helpful. Here is what we have concluded:

I really love Viv.  October is a month that used to be about Josh and I and our wedding, but now with Viv being nearly 7, it is even more about Viv than it was four years ago when she took over the month by storm.  Viv's birthday is in....2 days.  She turns 7.  She is still so small and learning so much, I don't accept it well, but I enjoy her so very much.  In conversation with other mothers recently they commented on the perfect family: one boy child one girl.  We had that with Faith and Danny but it wasn't a perfect family.  I haven't recognized as much as I ought how perfectly Viv fits in this family.  She is celebrating 4 years in our family, 2 years fully adopted, and a Halloween that isn't scary to any of us.  I love her intensely.  She is the drama in my life - the type that you see in good movies that makes your heart leap and twist and turn and sigh.  SO AMAZING!!  You should see her joy and perseverance every day. I love her.  I love her.

I love all my family.  Family in all sorts of ways.  I am fighting academically right now to recognize the struggles that we go through within families as significant as a 'master narrative.'  Why do I need society on the outside too?  I have a future with fighting in this arena - families are communities.  Families are where identity starts and ends.  Self is represented in all sorts of social contexts but it is permanently influenced by family. I just gotta get more serious about writing out all these thoughts.

I don't like being told no.  If it is for my safety, say no.  Otherwise, don't limit me.  Don't tell me I can't have it, or become that, or dream it.  Don't tell me that.  I've been constrained enough.  If God wants me to reach my full potential, who are you to tell me I don't have it in me?  Give me a chance, and don't underestimate what I can do.  I am amazing.  And so are you; so take your own advice.

Life is about choices. We all make them and I would argue when know when we are making them. We way the cost and then we just go for it.  I have a a pretty strong base for the choices I make but still find myself calling myself into question sometimes.  I make mistakes.  I am okay with that.  I am not rationalizing when I make my choices or evaluate the choices I have made.

I am in charge of my own body.  I don't like pharmaceuticals.  They make my brain not my own.  If I can't communicate clearly with my brain, I'm in trouble.  I have physical limitations; it is really hard to hurt.  Hurting is not all bad as long as I am comfortable mentally.  Always good to feed the body and the mind and make connections with people.

Okay.  I was hoping that I could get the writing juices going because I need write a dialogue paper in the next hour and a half.  So here's my non-academic voice, at least I can use that in the upcoming paper....

Autumn comes with the traditional

There are certain events that indicate Fall in Indiana for our family, and it seems they all came and passed this month.  We had Grammie visiting for the welcoming festivities of fall: apple picking.  Our friend's tree that we pillaged for fee last year was on an off year so we had to go to a 'commercial' local apple orchard to pick.  The name of this orchard gave us many laughs: "Tree Technology."  Yep, that's new technology - getting small kids with baskets on a stick to pick apples.Josh, the kids, Grammie and Aunt Jill picked 5 bushels of apples that we processed within that week to have plenty of applesauce and apple pie slices all through the winter.  The kids are always involved with smooshing the apples through the Victorio Strainer or twisting the peeler/corer/slicer, which makes the process move swiftly.

When the apples are on, we also know it is time to honor the man who gave us all this lovely harvest: Johnny Appleseed.  Fort Wayne claims the burial of Johnny.  We have a gravesite, although I am not certain, with many other claimants on to Johnny's burial, if the site is not just a relic containing maybe teeth or other random bones.  Ether way, all the community gathers for the fantastic festival in his park and celebrate the handiwork of many who still create without technology (ha, tree technology orchard).  Each year we heard the kids past the vendors to the settler's area and learn some new skills.  This year's skills were:  clay wheel pottery, woodworking (mostly for Josh who still dreams that he will have a wood shop some day), wood carving, copper smithing, and tinkering. 

This fella gave the kids a bit of a science lesson by carving back the stick and then pulling out the worms that were the cause of the great maple to fall.  Josh admired the lacquering.

Because it was the very end of the day the tinkers let the kids play with all sorts of machines and gave them lots of tin trinkets to play with.  They gave the kids a math lesson as to why you need to know geomotrey. 

 Another fall time favorite - the annual Fort4Fit race.  This year we worked with the kids through the end of the summer to run 25 miles, all building up to the Kids Marathon for Fort4Fit.  The kids had gotten the racing bug when we did the Spartan Race in the spring and were mostly willing to do the training.  We were amazed by how well they did on the actual race night!  With Jill, we had one adult per child to run with the kids during the mile long course.  Viv ran hard with Jill, Faith stayed consistent and long strided with her dad, and I ran with Danny.  I was most impressed with Danny.  Throughout the summer he was the least enthused about continuous running; often stopping with side aches.  However, for the race, Danny kept a steady jog the whole time.  We talked about Captain America, of course, to pass the second half mile and he made it the whole way without walking!  All three were so happy to have their medals!  It is so nice to have this family friendly race so close to our home, it is really too easy to do I would be ashamed if we had not involved the kids in their own race.

Start time was 7:30am this year instead of 8am.

The next morning I woke up and walked up to the race start for the 10K race.  Some friends joined me for the start.  To my happy surprise, Jill rode her bike up and became my support through the whole race.  I certainly wasn't in my favored shape for the race, but I made some goals and kept them, only missing my goal finish by one minute (should have followed Jill's advice and had faster turnover the last half mile rather than trying to lengthen my stride, lesson learned).

Josh and the kids made it up for the finish so they could steal my post-race snacks and then go to the library.  It is a fun race because it ends in the Parkview baseball stadium and they have the racers on the jumbo-tron and announce their names so the family can be more participatory in the end.

A new fall tradition for us, thanks to Jill, will be going to a college football game.  We are still learning to enjoy the event, so it was super nice to head over to a small university in town, St. Francis, and watch our good friend and old babysitter Jason "Big Guy" Gardner play as defensive center.  Danny was intent not he game.  Faith brought a book, which suits her personality after watching some of the game she was happy to read.  Viv spent most of her time watching the cheerleaders evidently to figure outs why they had blue and black pom-poms (which she finally figured out about the 3rd quarter and announced to the rest of of that it was to match the team colors on the football uniforms).  It was a very good thing to broaden the horizons of the kids to some of the best parts of fall sporting events.  Jill and I also took them to watch IPFW men and women's soccer.

I've been laughing a lot this week, because I have kids

The kids are in the wonderful linquistic state of applying very very new skills.  A few examples of assimilated language this past week:

Danny has been very invovled in playing soccer at recess with all the boys.  He was trying to explain how the boys clear the goal by needing to "cherry vomit."  Cherry vomit?  "Yeah, you drop the ball and kick it as far as you can."  That is a drop kick, oh, do you mean cherry bomb it? Like dropping a bomb? "No mom, it's cherry vomit."  Okay.

We had miso tofu soup for dinner last night.  My children were all being so complimentary of the cook, which I very much appreciated.  "I really like the liquidy part," said Danny enthusiastically.  His sentiments were joined by a hardy nod and slurp from Faith.  Viv looked very proffessional as she corrected her brother; "The liquidy stuff is called barf."  It's broth, dear, but barf sounds the same.  Certainly doesn't taste the same.

Faith was excited to use the notepad paper I had recieved from the junk mail.  It had our address on the bottom, very personalized.  As we rode to school I reminded her that she needed to change into her leotard and tights before I picked her up so we could get to ballet quickly.  "Oh great!  I will write myself a note so I don't forget. I can put it in my cubby as school."  Good idea.

She did indeed have her note in a noticeable place in the cubby area to remind her.  Her phonetic spelling made me laugh out loud:

 The precious little one does not know what 'tits' are yet, and it is best left for those to come first before we talk about their terminology.

And finally (for this week so far), Josh brought the kids up to the university to bring me a chocolate milkshake.  As they were leaving the building Faith needed to go to the restroom.  Josh sent the girls into the women's restroom and he followed Danny into the men's.  Danny walked up to the urinal, sized up the proportions that he had not expected as a 4 foot nothing six year old boy in a university men's bathroom and exlaimed "You have got to be kidding me!" 

 Looking nose to drain, it seemed impossible to get his meager stream in the intended target.  Josh told him he could just use the toliet in the stall.  When I asked him about the incident the next day, he looked at me with all seriousness and said "Mom, there is no way I could (indicating an upward shooting pistol)...you know....when the urinals at my school are (tipping his pointing hand downward).  Seriously.  It would be impossible."  

Introducing Professor Button.....Instructor, rather

Fall Semester of IPFW started on Monday August 25th, 2014.  I began the semester as a student with 7 credits moving closer to my master's degree.  I also started a new dimension of my higher education as well, that of being a graduate assistant.  I am being paid to practice being a university professor.  More thought went into that first week of teaching than did my first week of student-ing.

Truthfully, the first week of the semester blew by faster than a whirlwind.  Indefinitely, I had thought and dreamt about that first day and the jovial and personable teacher I would be, thus leading into the Most Influential Teacher of their Semester/college career.  I will not empty my optimistic glass quite yet to say that there is still not a possibility I could be the Most Influential Teacher of their Semester, but I will say the glasses are becoming clearer, less on the pink side.

I am a girl and thus did think about my outfit on the first day of school.  I have been dreaming of the day that I would become a professor for a long time.  Being an "instructor" or "graduate assistant" did not graduate my outfit yet to the professional frumpiness of over-sized sweaters and messy buns, but I did get to consider myself a professional.  I looked a my wardrobe as a way to visually show my students that I meant business, but still had a personality.  I mashed up the traditional work-place pencil skirt with one of my light weight (knowing I would sweat no matter the temperature in the classroom) colorful blouses.  I tied the whole thing together with beige pumps, the color of my hemline although regrettably without a nude pair of "stockings" to reinforce a completely well-bred woman.  I am from Idaho after all.

I can accept at this age of my life that I am a bit of a last minute person.  I certainly have all the mandatory framework pounded into place, ah! but let's leave the interior design to fall together organically!  I had determined that the course syllabus for this first teaching semester would contain my philosophy and major due dates, but the weekly calendar I could just not settle on.  I have taught often enough to know that I do not feel comfortable telling my class what they do or do not need to learn without getting to know them.  I struck a compromise with my guilty conscience which insisted that every student appreciates knowing what is coming ahead with a calendar and determined I would release the calendar online one week in advance thus giving me room to switch assigned readings, build content the class, and adapt to the students.

After the first day of class, I was glad I had allowed myself such flexibility in the calendar.  I asked how many of my students where in their first semester ever of college.  All but one of my 23 students raised their hand. Oi! Babies, all of them (to the university experience, I do have one non-traditional student that established early on his persona of being older and more experience in life - we did clear up on day two of class that he was not older than me, by a couple of months, not that I told him that).  Although, not babies to writing.  After a few journal entries and discussing our class goals and their personal goals, I realized I had played into the negative stigma of the un-learned W131 students.  I realize I am blessed to have a class of early risers - setting up classes before noon as a college freshman must be given credit - but will still not undermine how well prepared the are, and eager, to become proficient writers.

I stood at the head of the classroom tied to the computer the first day set apart from them by my access to blackboard as an instructor.  I was also setting the precedent that I am the instructor; a person with a bit more experience in this realm of composition that I can induct them adequately into academic writing.  I know where my strengths are as a writer and a person.  I recognize that my students have strengths in areas that I may not.  As it reads in my syllabus, I take my role as an instructor seriously.  If I don't give them adequate tools and strategies to succeed in this academic world, I have not done what I am being paid for - more importantly, what I am passionate about.

The second day of class I was among them.  We 'circled the wagons' in our tight little room and got to know one another.  I took pictures on my iPad for roll call.  The pictures was a fine tool to have for reference when reading their initial entries.  I wanted to make sure I was attributing their words to the right face.  They are each individual writers for sure!  I was surprised, from an instructors perspective, how quickly the mood changed when the chairs were all turned to the center.  I wish my room were larger, or my class size smaller, to make it more comfortable to circle-up more frequently.  We will certainly do it more, for that configuration changed things a great deal.

On Friday the fine glow of the first week was waning.  Students were more sleepy.  School and all its realities had set in.  Thankfully, I had relaxed my own dress a bit and could comiserate a bit with them.  My optimism had not faded.  I am still impressed and enthusiastic about my students and their potential.  College is still exciting for me.  I recognize that my "distance over time" affects how I feel about being an instructor to freshmen.  I am nostalgic about those first few years of discovery.  I remember the good that a university education did for me before embarking in the "real world" for decade before returning.  Certainly I am not old and frumpy, but I am well set to be an 'instructor' in this realm.  Having left the title up to the students, I am a bit gratified that some students open their emails with a 'Professor Button' greeting despite my obvious lack of a doctorate, for now ;).

Taking a mental vacation

School is all back in session now for us all.  I didn't take pictures of the kids on their first day back to school; they looked half-put together and excited as always.  Josh didn't take a picture of me on my first day back to school; all spiffed up in my teachers clothes.  Frankly, this is all back to normal.  We are back to the regular ins-and-outs of daily life.  It is all wonderful and an experience worth having.  Nevertheless, my mind is still rolling over the amazing times we had on vacation.  It seems that as we were away we could focus on our main purpose: being together having fun.  Even though we had nearly a month of break time once we got back home, it wasn't very summer vacation-y.  Perhaps it is because it was being compared to all of this:

Boating out on Boise reservoir with the Ricks family.  Noah was so kind to Danny the whole trip, an real exemplary young man.  I am impressed with all my nieces and nephews for sure, and there is an extra soft spot this summer for Noah and how amazing he made my son felt.  We will forever refer to the 'epic' wave that thrashed Rowan, Faith and Noah while they were on the tube.

Riding in the car with these three clowns was always fun.  Really, always.  They came up with the most creative stories and kept entertained and happy with one another.  A couple times, I let Mom Button drive (awesome East-West travel companion) and the kids wanted me to lay back my chair and so they could give me a massage and do my hair. I am a truly blessed woman.  Just look at those three cute faces!

The majesty of Glacier Park was awe inspiring.  

Little things with little people.  We watched a movie on Lemurs in 3-D.  Who would have thunk? Lemurs jumping at your on a very very large screen.  We sure did learn a lot about them.  Also, the company was amazing, Butt-olke family vacation 2014 was such a blast!  How many people still hang out with their best friend from the 3rd grade? I do!

Sunny summer days with cousins.  Nothing better, especially at this stage.  I could just put my camping chair in the edge of the water to keep cool and just sit back and listen to the glee.  We stayed at Lucky Peak park for hours; the majority of the time the kids were just playing in the sand.  Ages 13-2 all perfectly happy.

Lazy cabin days.  Thank the Heavens for Hancock Haven!  The weather was perfect.  The river glistened and glided along so nicely we couldn't help but nearly worship it.  I fell in love with watching my kids re-enact all the things I loved most about the cabin as a kid: fishing at the fishing hole, rolling your pants up to wade in the water, playing in the canal, rock hopping on the island, pulling apart link grass, gathering flowers, listening to nature, and being together or alone as it felt best.

"Mom, the ground is boiling!" I had forgotten, having grown up so near to Yellowstone National Park, what a natural anomaly the park is.  This stage of wonder in the little ones reawakened all sorts of vision as we walked around seeing gyser after gyser, each one as phenomenal as the first.  Even the unpredictable wait for Old Faithful with its groans and moans totally paid off as their level excitement grew with each foot of water height.

Family and flammables makes the Fourth of July real.  We had 19 grandchildren gathered at the Hancock Haven to honor our forefathers with a variety of fireworks.  The ending display of 'the big ones" had us all cuddled together on the lawn.

A detour worth taking.  Thanks to my parents' recommendation we headed off the beaten path to see Devil's Tower.  A geological wonder!  The small march around the base was holy in a way.  There are a lot of legends and history in that landmark worth respecting.  My favorite memory - Danny peeking around various trees, trying to be hidden just out of view on the path ahead with a smirk on his face and a playful pounce once we reached him.

I got my gumption in order and had the kids got through the rig-a-marole to become Jr. Rangers at Mt. Rushmore.  I figured it would make the very small stop more engaging.  It did to a degree.  The highlight was watching them study through the visitor center windows to make their own sketch of our National monument.

Hi-ho Summer Away!  I suppose all these memories shall motivate me to make sure each day has something special in which to rejoice.  Yep, I reckon we need more fun in our lives year round.

Academics

Just the other night Josh and I had a conversation about what being an 'academic' meant.

I was sharing with him the connective revelations I was making about change and faith from the combining definitions of two books Falling to Heaven by James Ferrell and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Dr. Ferrell is a gifted scriptorian and his book illuminates the paradoxes of the teachings of Jesus that can help us understand our relationship to God and dependence upon Christ for needed changes.  I had started with Ferrell's book a while back but had become frustrated with the over generalized use of loaded terms such as guilt and admit.  I had paused on his second part of the book called 'The Gift of Guilt" because I could not fit the term 'guilt' into any gift wrapping.  I understood the use of the title - obvious alliteration, sensational paradox - however Ferrell was not specific about what or how he was using the word guilt. I found I had to dig through his analysis of paradoxes too much to find his meaning.  It frustrated me because I wanted to feel enlightened by his scriptural analysis, not frustrated by his poor writing.

I realized my frustration had developed into the complaint "Ferrell is not being specific enough in the use of his words as an academic would."  Josh, of course questioned my complaint.

In contrast, through the gift of a generous friend I had started in on The Gifts of Imperfection and finally found some specified terms that would help me to sort out Ferrell's intensity.  Dr. Brown, having been trained in a specific academic research modual, is very careful to define the usage of any term that may have multiple meanings.  Her research likewise touches on the need to recognize our vulnerabilities and use them to instill confidence in self and action to change.  To me, both books were speaking to the very principle I have been pondering and striving to understand on a personal level: humility.  Yet, it was the combination of the two that allowed me to finally embrace where I am on my personal journey and identify where I am in relation to my Savior and where I would like to be.

So how is it that being more 'academic' about writing allowed me to clarify my own feelings?  I believe it comes down to being open to multiple definitions and allowing your writing to generate continued dialogue between reader and author through turning words and concepts into different points of light.  I had not been able to discuss what guilt was with Ferrell's text; his presumptions statements were so definitive that they could not be defined in any different way.  Brown offered her use of a term and then shared ways in which it would best work in the given research.  Both scholars are equally intelligent, whereas, in truth, one wrote in a style that I have been inculcated in while the other wrote to a different type of audience.

In Josh's opinion, Brown sounded like "one of those hippie-dippy philosophical types of self-help books that don't make any sense" initially.  For him, Brown was opening the subject too wide.  Yet, when I showed him how Ferrell's use of loaded terms without explanation created a whole different set of feelings in the reader, Josh began to understand how being more open in definition develops more personal understanding.  My term for this development of definition was "academic writing."

"So what is academic, then?" asked Josh.  He reminded me of the anecdote of the building mechanic who refused to teach his son any practical skills because he wanted his son to grow up to the be like the professors in the university buildings he maintained that just sat at their desks all day and thought.

Of course I can see how that perception is held.  Academics and research require a lot of reading or studying what others have said and then rolling them around in your head to see if there are other possibilities.  It is through the exploration of possibilities that new solutions or discoveries are made. If we had just accepted the first guesses on any subject there would have been no advancements made.

I offered the second anecdote that illustrated my point of view about academics: A humble worker had once heard a teacher say that they must find ways to expand their mind at all times.  She was skeptical for she sat on steps in an alley way and peeled potatoes everyday.  What was there in her world to expand her mind?  She began to observe the very small ants around her that scavenged the bricks at her feet and found pieces of potato peel.  Her curiosity grew as she watched them more intently and she began to notice patterns in their behavior.  On her day of she went to a library and found that there was very little written about the ants and their behavior, although she was given their name.  Over time, she developed some of the most accurate information about ants and their living systems and habitat that was later published.  All the while, she was just a potato peeler.

Before returning to the academic world, I have spent 6 years as just a homemaker.  Gratefully, my time in undergraduate studies had helped me to understand that my brain could be active at all times so I began doing more than just vacuuming.  I heard the rhythms of the vacuum as I pulled it back and forth and created rhymed meter poems about my vacuum.  While standing for hours at my kitchen sink paring fruit for canning I calculated the average time to fill one quart jar and the average numbers or jars needed, all the way down to knowing the amount of time I spent canning to the ratio of food I prepared for my family in one year to the second.  I learned about landscaping patterns, sustainability practices, psychology of happiness, and early child development.  During the mundane tasks my mind was able to roll around thoughts and feelings to the point of understanding.

 That, to me, is academic.  It is training the brain not to be idle and the heart to desire more than is just placed before you.  Therefore is the reason Josh and I hope our children will chose to attend a university.  Honestly, in today's economy, one is better of learning a specific trade for financial stability than securing stable employment as an 'academic.'  However, the academic person can fulfill any trade and expand their humanity if they have been taught to think and explore new possibilities.

Danny boy is older

Last night as I lay in bed recounting the day to Josh, I realized yet again how cool Danny is.  He has an awesome sense of humor and keen timing.  He had heard a phrase I used earlier in the day and played it back perfectly that night as only a brother could.

We were nestling restlessly into our beds, doing our best and restructuring our sleep schedule the week before school starts and the stall tactics were epic.  Faith remembered that she needed some lotion for the sadly dry spots all over her body left from an ambush attack of random harmless hives.  Of course, once the lotion was on the extremely dry skin, it burned like searing fire.  She began to squirm and moan and thrash on her top bunk of the bed.  I was exasperated and had no retort, but Danny did!  "What, are you giving birth or something up there?"  He asks with an evident under-chuckle in his tone.  Perfect timing!  He can perfectly diffuse a situation.

Comedic timing and situation bomb-control are a couple of Danny's many talents.  I love this boy.  He is Golden.  Yes, he passed yet another milestone while on our family vacation.  He is six years old.  That's my baby boy, and he has grown!  Just everything about him makes me love him to his constant "forgetting" that I gave him a night time kiss just so I will come back and give him a zerbert on his fleshy cheeks to his determination to become an astronaut.

Riding cross country in a car of girls finally got to him when Viv requested, yet again, to listen to Taylor Swift.  I can't blame the guy.  He certainly did not get as much music air time for his playlist as the girls (read Viv and her music obsession) even though everyone agrees that the song "Happy" is definitely amazing for changing one's mood.

Danny quietly concentrates on most of his projects with a very clear design in his head of what it will be.  Notice the mountain forming with only a streak of red up the middle.

"It's Pompeii!" he told me.  "Where did you learn about Pompeii?"  I ask.  "From the National Geographic and the book we recently read in the Magic Tree House.  You can see the lava tube inside the mountain before it explodes." 

Since we were in WA on Grmpa Dan Button's 60th birthday and Josh was with us, we celebrated then the two Dan's birthday with family and food, the Button way.  Grandpa and Danny traded back scratches for gifts.

Again, the humor! We went to a fry specialty shop in Boise and Danny loved the blueberry ketchup.  He loved it so much he decided he ought to have a blueberry nose.  

On Danny's actual birthday on the 14th we had "The best birthday ever!" with his Ricks cousins.  We went to the perennial favorite of mini-golf and then shared a round of laser tag with all his boy cousins.  For his first time around, Danny was the sharp shooter for the kids in his age range.  He divulged to me how he had strategized by following certain older cousins in direct routes and going back to the recharge station before he was out of lives.  I was so proud of him.  Tactically minded at six years old.  Josh and I are planning on grooming him for West Point.

Another amazing gift: patience.  The boy his my namaste.  He is peaceful and calm and really enjoys just throwing a pole in the water and observing what is going on.  He also is a hard worker.  Danny's favorite times a the cabin were just following Grampie around and doing various man chores, learn to shoot pool, or sit next to the river.  Neither of them talk much, but they sure enjoyed each others' company, which warmed my heart.

When we visited Mesa Falls Danny was my buddy observing all the little nuances of geography and waterfalls.  He noticed the rainbows in the water and the formation of rocks.  He looked for wildlife and found his favorite souvenir of the trip: a guide to all the fish of the Mountain West.  He had to sleep with it and couldn't hardly put it down to close his eyes.

The boy is still super excited about fighter planes.  

Crowning moment of the trip: Danny asked to jump off the Fun Farm bridge.  No small matter for a small person.  With full trust in me, he climbed over the outer edge, more confident than his father.  We counted to 3 and went for it.  I was a bit concerned as he popped up out of the water after a 20ft drop, until I saw his face - absolute joy!!!  He had his first adrenaline rush of his life and loved it!  "That was BAWESOME" (better than awesome)