Cain Theory

As a parent, I have been considering what I will call today the "Cain Theory."

Having been raised on a scripture foundation, the analogies of my parenting strife today are rife with accounts of Laman, Lemuel, Cain, Lucifer and the other biblical black sheep of the family.  For doesn't every family have one?  Or are they only considered the black sheep in comparison with their fairer siblings?  I'm not talking color of skin only here - although scripture and our family are rife with that pigmented contrast - I'm talking of the inevitability in a family with more than one child that one of them is comparatively naughtier than the rest.

What bothers me about my 'Cain Theory' as of yet is that I have no empirical evidence to show me statistically how many families feel like there is one child that is 'naughtier' than the rest, the black sheep.  I'm not just talking about ideologically different today, I'm talking of the one who was hardest to parent because they, well, were just bad somehow.  I have been considering this morning if this is a foster parenting problem or a universal parenting problem.  That's how it got to be the "Cain Theory."

Look, Cain and Abel, and all the rest of the start of the human family, all came from the same parents.  From the record we are given it is safe to assume that Adam and Eve were really great parents.  They taught all their children the laws of God.  They taught them all to garden, for it was in the garden that Cain got his ultimate revenge or punishment however you see it.  This morning it was in the garden that I watched one of my children exact her revenge on the world, one cucumber plant at a time.

As part of my personal parenting philosophy I will not give my child enough space to blame Satan for their actions (in fact, I don't know if Lucifer just wasn't painted as a devil until he was compared against Jesus but that is a deeper theological debate than is needed for the day).  I do believe there is opposition in all things, including our choice of how we use natural emotions.  It would be silly to deny that we all feel and that some of those feelings are negative.  Anger is real.  Frustration and fatigue are very real.  Just as real as love and joy and compassion.  Agency, which is told to be the greatest gift of God to His children (Christ's sacrifice was His own great gift) allows us to experience emotions in all their colors and make a choice as to how they will guide our lives.  To some degree, for at least a reasonable 8-18 years, parents have the obligation to guide the choice of actions based on feelings.  That is part of what parenting is right - teaching your children the 'appropriate' way to behave when under the duress of natural life.

It seems too easily metaphorical in the bible that Satan or his angels popped up right in the moment when Cain was feeling anger toward his brother and let him know exactly where to put that negative feeling.  I sympathize with Cain, working hard like the rest of the family, but always feeling cast in the shadow of Abel. And we have no evidence that Abel was the perfect brother.  Perhaps he was goading on Cain that day, I've seen it enough in sibling relationships.  Even the good ones can be downright vindictive when their parents' backs are turned.  So why is it that Cain got the curse of the family? And was the curse before or after the killing?  Who's to say that Cain didn't already know that he was the bad boy of the family and was just fulfilling their expectations for him.

I'll admit it - some of us have bigger inner dragons than others and in a group setting as tight as a family, that is not seen as an asset.  Some family members can feel like a liability.  As much as we love them, we continue to ask God why he gave us this  member of the family to help us experience the binaries of life.  But then I pause.  Is any of us so bad in isolation?  If my Cain were my only child, would I really be so up in arms today about cucumber plants uprooted?  Or would I shake my head, give her a hug and tell her she was being silly.  Was the disaster only so disappointing because the other two children had angelically completed their weeding singing songs and wanting to help longer than was needed?  Biblically, would Cain have been such a big deal had there been no Abel?

Despite my theory, there is still parenting to be done.  Principles of work, love, respect, and self-worth that will have to be gaged with or without the comparisons.  The point, I think, is to stop and think about how 'bad' any of us really are.  If the dragon of revenge wants to wield it's way through my garden and rip out one innocent plant after another, I shall be grateful that today she is only 7 years old and that there is still time to plant again.  Maybe Cain had ripped out a few plants prior to sinking a knife into his brother.  I don't know.  I just feel like today I have a bit more mercy for all those siblings who got painted black before really knowing that there had to be any comparison.

Squish, squeeze,...POP!

Today I feel like a pimple on Life's face.  I am irritated, agitated around the edges, and ready to pop.  I find it incredibly ironic that it is now, in the quiet week, that I feel the most emotionally and mentally squeezed rather than during the tumult of end of term projects.  Do I thrive under pressure? Or, do I have a hard time being alone with my thoughts?

I feel as though the emotional work that I have been doing over the past four months both with and through my academic work was what they describe in academic methodology "squishy."  The boundaries that once seemed so firm and constrictive began to give way.  My own concept of my position in life became more malleable as I began to poke at some of my core beliefs about myself.  I took it all in small doses as my life continued to run on around me, which may have been a saving grace.  Now, the race over, I am trying to determine how much squishy = messy.

I find now, with hours of open time to myself that I don't quite understand what "productive" is.  I feel merit in finally just relaxing and breathing; yet as I slow down, I start to go down.  I know depression.  I have spent plenty enough time with it as a house guest in the past that I can recognize it coming up the drive.  I liked the constant pressure of time - squeezing every bit of usefulness out of time.  I made sure to squeeze in time for myself in the midst of it all, but never felt such a victim of time now that I have too much of it.  Josh likes to use the phrase "playing the victim" which perhaps I am this week.  It is Wednesday this week and I am a victim to lost time.  Non-regimented time.  What stresses me most is not deadlines, it is dead time.

In this emotionally vunerable white space that I am experiencing I am ready to burst.  I probably shouldn't take the pimple analogy too far, you can imagine for yourself the white antibodies gathering around the foreign emotions inside of me that are pushing against the surface.  Ready.  So ready with any little bit of prodding to release the pressure.  To pop.  Be careful world, this may all just be a result of fluctuating hormones - but being a pimple is not pleasant.

In the name of procrastination

As it is late-ish on a Saturday night and I have already watched a dumb movie this afternoon - my brain says there is no way that I can do any significant writing for end of term papers - I feel compelled to feel productive.  Posting feels productive.  As it is the last remaining vestige of journaling that I actively maintain (I somewhat compile my communications in a bit of an archive just in case someday I am famous and anyone cares), it is time to lay down some mortar that might stick together the past months.  As it is, I have no evidence online that the Button family continued to exist beyond the year 2014.  We are alive.  The apocalypse did not hit Indiana (although there are rumors that our proximity to Adam-on-diaman may give us some advance warning) and force us into oblivion.  Herein lies the proof:

We packed up and moved into our new house on  December 23rd.  It was the fastest  unpack I have ever done because we needed to have a 'home' atmosphere for Christmas.

In this photo it is very apparent that the elements of tradition that was forcing me to roll sushi on New Years was not personally what I wanted to be doing.  But the kids love it.  With the speed of the move, I am super impressed that I was able to keep up with any tradition.  But with the kids, they are old enough now to keep the guilt trip coming: that is the essence of tradition and as we edit our past when older, each one of those consistent years together will paint a picture of family bliss and fun despite Mom being cranky in 2015.

Josh and I made it to 33.  I don't remember what I got for Josh for his birthday and I only remember going to get some hair coloring done on my birthday...wow that doesn't speak well for early thirties!

Through January and February we had plenty 'snow day' cancellation from school which had nothing to do with snow but with a bit of chilled weather.  We loved having the ambiance of a fire to do some homework by on some of the chill days. I do have amazing kids.  Most of the time we are getting along and enjoy the same activities. 

Snow day core strengthening activities.  Viv is the only one of us with a strong core.  Danny is too ticklish to stay long in an airplane and Faith is floppy.  

So impressive - the kids wrote a play about cats and created costumes.  Day well spent.

January 14th, 2015 my baby turned 8.  Wahoo! I am no longer accountable for her sins!  Really, now we are all just accountable for the emotionality of burgeoning independence.

I couldn't have imagined how beautiful this day would be.  Faith chose to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  She has such a mature soul and perceptive intellect that the choice was deeply felt by us all and I felt something more pure than proud, perhaps it is joy.

While Grammie and Grampie were in town for the baptism we went out for the first  roller-skating  experience.  The kids were pretty amazing.  Maybe I am a mean mom, but I wouldn't let them use the walkers on wheels as a crutch for learning.  In my opinion, they learned faster than if they had a walker, but I have no proof that there is any correlation.  Mostly it was their determination. 

Disco baby!

March we took a trip over to Columbus Ohio to visit the Ohio State University.  The trip was a combo of PhD program interviewing, temple visit, and most important for the kids - OSU vs Boise State gymnastics meet!  We reconnected with a cousin of mine who joined us at the meet.  It was really cool to see the women gymnasts do some amazing stuff so close up.  We tell Viv were are investing in her college tuition by paying for gymnastic lessons now - no pressure.

I may have gone a bit overboard with the eggs for color, not that the kids minded. And we have a giant yard to hide them in, we just had to make sure we had an accurate count.  

With Auntie Jill living with us she makes sure we schedule plenty of outings to experience life beyond our home.  We watched the IPFW mens baseball up to the 6th inning and decided we are more excited for the Tin Caps season to open than we thought.

The excursion to the game was worth it for Danny who found a ball in the grass and when he tried to return in to the team, they said he could keep it.  Free game.  Free ball.

I've been working hard as a student his past semester and have had some academic honors bestowed upon me.  Fancy.  I presented a couple of my papers at conferences and symposiums and it accumulated in a scholarship award from the department.  I am grateful to have the recognition not to inflate the ego, but rather to be able to celebrate what I am doing as a contribution.  It is nice to know your work is appreciated. 

Whereas I used this blog in one of my research projects on journal writing, which will probably become a theme as I continue to work with family history writing projects, I hope to keep everyone posted. That is, anyone who is still interested in the ancient form of blogging (came out in 2005 and after a decade in the digital world it is basically dino bones).  I teach blogging to my beginning composition students of one the original internet writing genres and LOVE it!

Not to be forgotten - October and November

Fast recap of what transpired in the family through October and November:As a family, and yes, that very much includes the cats, we watched the General Conference Broadcast at home.  I suppose it is not true to say the full family because Josh could not join us on Saturday as he is always working.  But, Sunday he did.  We kicked up our feet and enjoyed snuggling and working quietly while listening.  The kids are becoming wonderful note takers and probably go more out of the talks than I did (I was a bit snoozy).

Viv turned 7 on October 16th.  We often wonder if her biological age is about a decade behind her attitude.  She absolutely loves fashion and was pleased to receive more frills and sparkles to put together (and yes, she just puts together her favorite without regard to matching which is surprising considering her over-conscious regard for social acceptance).  She certainly is a force to be reckoned with, and is learning how to reckon with herself.  She is a proficient reader and can do anything she sets her mind to, it is the setting the mind part that is still in progress.

 Josh and I celebrated our 9th Anniversary on October 27th.  Having Josh by my side for all these many years is my favorite constant.  I couldn't ask for a more devoted and progressive man.  He got me this lovely hat and a praying mantis broach. Josh was a bit worried about the animalistic connection of how the female mantis bites the head off her mate after they copulate.  I figure that (1) my mouth is not that big and (2) it would have to be some experience for me to loose that kind of self-control.  All in all, Josh doesn't have to worry about me literally biting his head off, and I think that over the years I have become a better wife and 'bite-his-head-off' a little less figuratively.

Everyone in our house is currently obsessed with Harry Potter, so it was a sure bet for Halloween to go the Hogwarts road to costuming.  An etsy friend supplied the scarves and I broke down and bought a new sewing machine to finish out the cloaks (it should not take hours to sew a basic polyester straight stitch and that is when I knew that Grandma's machine and I were going to have to part ways).  With his blonde hair, Danny was Draco Malfoy, Faith naturally was Hermione Granger, and Viv was Nymphadora Tonks.  I resurrected my annual witches cloak and went as Minerva McGonagall circa Tom Riddle's era and Josh was Professor Snape for trick-or-treating.  The kids are still running around the house with their wands practicing various spells and hexes.  Luckily they are Muggle born and their magical skills are not so strong even if Faith is determined she will see her letter from Hogwarts (or the American Wizarding school equivalent) when she turns 11 years old.  

 We are currently finishing out book 4 in the series.  I made the cloaks extra long so they could be used again next year, when it is likely we are just finishing out book 7.

 I was not actually with the family on Halloween - first time ever - so Josh took the kids trick or treating.  I was attending an academic conference at MSU.  I am nearing the end of my Master's degree and scoping out schools for doctoral work.  I traveled with a couple of professors for the first ever Cultural Rhetorics Conference.  The conference was groundbreaking and the sushi place we ate at was amazing!

 Halloween crept up on us rather fast.  We were in the throws of school and buying a new home (we closed on our home two days before Thanksgiving).  I decided that I was tired of inviting guests over having had some ingracious ones in the past, but I was not tired of making the food.  I love cooking a big meal, bummer we don't have many people to share it with.  Ah well, I was emotional drained and the weather change was tickling the fibromyalgia.  We got a turkey roaster many  years ago and it makes AMAZINGLY MOIST bird.  Totally worth the left overs.  We brined it this year, which I loved, the rest thought it a bit too salty in pockets.  

Grandma Ruby's rolls and rainbow Jello are traditional must.

Jill helped out with the side dishes.  The spread was amazing!  The leftovers lingered well into December, which was wonderful since my pension for cooking was waning.    The remedy for not wanting to cook in December, however was the German Aubendbrot tradition.  We fit in three fabulous, company filled Sunday feasts preceding Christmas and filled the fridge with wonderful leftovers.  We invited my good friends from a family history writing course on the 7th, the Gregory and Coudron family on the 14th, and finished strong with the Routsong family on the 21st.  

 Although we do look forward to the food, the tradition of singing carols of the Season and reading from the scriptural accounts of Jesus' birth are what really hold the Holidays together for me. I am so grateful for good parents who established patterns that have helped me, and now my family (and a couple of regular annual guests) look forward to celebrating the birth of our Savior.  Traditions absolutely help me maintain some of the joy of the season for our family despite my own personal health.  It is good to just do what you have always done and be blessed by it every year.  It has also made all my kids wonderful singers who know the words to great anthems of the Messiah's coming!

Sincerely yours, me again

I have been laying in bed now for the past hour trying, willing, pleading with my head to turn off so I could go to sleep.  Obviously, I have failed.  I decided, I would try the old method, one I had spent most of the afternoon 'researching' and reacquainting myself with: journaling.

From the age of 8 through 23 I kept a fairly consistent nightly journal.  Through the years I gave different journals names.  I called them my only friend and confidant.  I finally got the the habitual point that would not allow me to go to sleep without first laying the day to rest in textual format.   I say I was 'researching' this afternoon as I was browsing selectively through my journals for references to my sense of identity and family.  I will be drafting an 18 page paper tomorrow that deals with that subject, in which I get to be one of my own research subjects - that is, the past me.

The research brain in me was fascinated with seeing how my writing and voice developed overtime.  There were elements of my writing style which have never changed - that flow of consciousness that is playful and teasing.  Yet there were structural elements that I tinkered with - I can read now how I was intentionally moulding a literate voice full of phrases and terminology that expanded and contracted with my idea of what a good writer was.  Being  literary person really manipulated even my very personal writing.

Beyond the interest in textuality, which I did get past, I began to sink into the ebb and flow over the years of self-doubt, depression, and confidence that I still struggle with now.  I was impressed by the constant struggle with conscious self and mortality.  My thoughts and feelings so often were in contest.  My desires were strong, perhaps the flesh was weak.  I still feel that struggle.  Even looking back at myself from that third-person reader stance, I feel empathy for my own self.  Still, my desires overshoot my behaviors.  I want so much to become that living seems to get in the way.  The massive hurdles of priority and balance, coupled so closely together, often trip me up.  As evident in this past week.

I have been feeling the mounting pressure of the end of semester.  Yet, at the same time, a lot of momentum is building in our family as well.  Pressured by our sellers, we moved our home signing up to Wednesday.  I had not anticipated this large chunk of time devoted to a new house.  On Tuesday the kids got out of school at half day, which meant that I had the remainder of a very important week needing to be devoted to motherhood rather than student work.  I coiled the student-self spring tight inside my chest telling myself I could let it release at certain times when the family did not need me to do some powerful school work.  The coil is still cocked and I am near crazy!

Since the kids got out of school Tuesday half-day, and it was Grandparents day at school, I stayed at the school to help with the event and visit in the kids' classrooms to avoid 2 hours of driving for 2 hours at home.  We had barely recouped from a very stimulating half-day at school when it was the usual racecar rally to various lessons: Faith and Viv start lessons at 4pm, then Danny and I pick up Viv at 5:30, then swing around to pick up Faith by 5:45, come home for quick nacho dinner then all are back in the car to take Danny back to 6:30 tap lessons.  It is a regular Tuesday after school relay in order to clear up other afternoons of the week.  Of course, no school work was fit into that schedule.

Wednesday the house signing went lonnnng.  I then had to take the kids to Grabill for piano lessons since their teachers' car was broken.  We got home around 2pm and had a lot of housework to accomplish.  I want to believe I was productive with all my time that afternoon, but the state of my stress from the coiled spring inside and unexpected timeline shift and sent me into an anxious shock.  I felt good getting a couple layers on the rainbow Jello and watching a movie with the kids.

Thursday Josh was home with us.  He was home with us all weekend.  His presence at home is wonderful.  It was a stay-cation, time devoted to family.  We all chipped in to make a Thanksgiving meal that was delicious, although void of enthusiasm.  I didn't care to invite people over for the meal knowing my emotional instability of late and I missed the family traditions of old.  We at and then digested to "A Muppet Christmas Carol."  Unfortunately, at some point during dinner preparations, we clogged the kitchen sink which made Thanksgiving dishes linger....and linger....and linger...

Friday we got to go to our new home, which is purchased but not yet ready to be lived in, to visualize what life will be like when we move in 21 days from now.  It was Josh's first time in the home.  The sellers took the time to show us the quirks of the home and then left us to measuring and musing.  It took the majority of the afternoon.  We made a quick stop at Lowe's for some boxes to pack away the wall hangings that Josh and I had been pulling off the walls at our current home.  The weekend was devoted to patching walls and painting them to an untouched glory.  After a discussion with the sellers, Josh and I made a very late night decision to do some late night Black Friday shopping to help Santa bring a TV to our family for the first time.

Saturday we waited anxiously for a plumber to finally free the kitchen pipes, which did not happen until late afternoon.  During the morning's frustration we managed to get the Christmas decorations in place to welcome the holiday cheer into this home for one final (to be cut short) season.  Our enthusiasm for preparing for he new  home occupied our spare thoughts, considering these three precious days were the seldom few Josh and I had to discuss ideas and purchases in real time.  We made a fast trip to a furniture store to verify that online prices were better and made it home to more online shopping.  Rugs, rugs, rugs!  It becomes a problem when there really are too many choices.  I became frustrated by Sunday afternoon that we did not close the deal and move on.  I mentally do not have any more time to devote to the new home or Christmas shopping from now until Dec 17th.

Oh boy.  That brings us full circle.  I am in a position recorded through my own history as all too familiar.  I would like to believe that I have trained myself out of procrastination somewhat over the years.  Somewhat.  Yet the last minute pressures still mandate a lot of my writing.  I have learned to do my research and brainstorming well in advanced.  Just the writing.  Thus, I lay in bed tonight trying to memorize the full and complete paragraphs for three different compositions that came began drafting in the crowded space right behind my closed eyelids.  I tried to force them back behind the curtains in order to relax.  I remembered my mother's words "at least let your body rest," as I continued motionless under the covers will my brain was doing gymnastics of all sorts.

I began to pray.  Many nights I have spoken softly with God, allowing Him to help me sort through the various thoughts and laying my burdens and trust at His feet for one more night.  Tonight I remained distracted and in all desperation, unfolded myself from the warm sheets and came back to the computer screen.  If nothing else, staring at a computer screen will unavoidably will me fall asleep.  With eyes throbbing and head pulsing, my body is finally ready to give up for the night, and perhaps, thanks to SKATALAT, the 1995 named version of journal writing, I can let my mind rest as well.

Puppets, purchases, and papers

This is the season when all the wheels start spinning, faster, and Faster, and FASTER! Until I no longer have control.  On various days, I choose to give up. On those days, I find myself finding every excuse possible not to shower, exercise, or make progress on massive pending papers.

Yes, it is the end of a semester.  I hate deadlines.  How I have enjoyed learning and researching for 14 weeks, and then the last two it feels like sirens are going off constantly, forcing me to make cognizant sense out of all the knowledgeable stuff in my head.  Bleh.  It is not that I don't want to articulate my passionate feelings about how families shape identities and how family history writing can and should evolve in order to tell the smaller stories that shape a nation.  I really do want to articulate it all; can't we just have a long conversation instead?  Nope.  That would not be as well organized.  I get it.  Please pass the chocolate chips.

The research has been fascinating.  Thanks to the Church of Jesus Christ, we not only have the amazing free FamilyTree.org to work with, we have been given a membership to Ancestry.com.  We have been connecting with family members that we didn't even know we had in order to fill in some blanks in the family legacy.  Check out these gems:

This is the army registration card for Josh's great-grandfather, filled out in his own handwriting!  We had been trying to verify whether or not James fought in WW1.  We know he registered from this, and then....

Here is the application for military burial, which assumes that he did serve active duty.  There are still some mysteries in between, such as where and when, but we have the beginning and the end!  No, James did not die in the war, he died after a poker fight somewhere in Oregon (yet another story we are trying to clarify).

The personal connection to my research material (that is my research revolves around how family history work illuminates family trends, identity markers, and can change the way family identifies themselves) has made it so very worthwhile.  I have already started a couple spinoff projects.  It just feels like there is never enough ways to present the information as they extend into so many spheres.

As part of my physical goals this year, I am trying to be as aware of my body and its reactions to stress as possible.  I like stress, it motivates me on one hand.  On the other hand, it ties my muscles into searing knots that eventually separate from my spine and I collapse in an exhausted heap.  As one might imagine, end of semester is a constant tango between stress collapse and productivity.  In the meantime, I am trying to stay relaxed by adding more....enjoyable...distractions outside of academia.  So we have decided to buy a new home, rent our current home, and be committee chair on the annual school fundraiser.

Our current home cleans up nice. Thanks to the new category of 'shabby chic' all our crappy furniture is stylish.  With much gratitude, we already have renter lined up to move in just as we move out.

The new place will be fantastic.  We have been praying and looking for another house that would put us closer to the kids' school and give us a great yard in a good neighborhood.  God is gracious and does hear our prayers.  In our home search, I found this home listed on a Thursday night, I went with the kids on Saturday to see it, we put in the offer Saturday night, Sunday morning we had an accepted offer.

 We sign the first part of December and will move in the week of Christmas.  What a dream!  True to our form, Josh has not yet been inside this home much like our last two houses we have purchased without him having walked through.  I think it is a good luck charm.

To relax in the evening...

 making felt puppets for Viv's class, our contribution to fundraising along with my time spent planning the event.  Honestly, I am so grateful for a creative outlet right now that does not involve the creation or consumption of text.  We, yes Josh is helping me, the entire cast of animal characters for two Jan Brett books "The Mitten" and "The Hat."  more to come on that....

Making our own history

I am glad for the small moments that remind me to take stock of how far we have progressed.  Two projects have been turning my head around and around the concept of making history:

1- Our kids are working on their "personal history" unit at school.  For 1st years (Danny and Viv) they have to bring in photos with descriptions to make a timeline of their life thus far.  Due to the giant hard drive crash of 2013, I have to search through this blog to find photos of the kiddos from 2011-2013.  It reminds me again, that I need to print this thing out so the kids and I can read through those small vignettes that I had wisdom and energy enough to record.  It does go quickly, and I don't remember it all.  Jill and I were talking about the memory processes of small children - only remembering based on photos - I feel I am the same way.  It seems that if it weren't for textual remnants of the past, I might just forget it.  Faith's personal history project is working on a family tree, which is precisely what we are always working on.


2- I have been continuing the archival research for Alonzo Price Bowman through this semester as part of my course work.  I have been developing projects around the historical timeline of his life.  Turns out, Grandpa Alonzo lived through some of the big markers of American History.  The first wave of the project was to create a fully public domain multi-media presentation.  I tracked the first 20 years of Grandpa's life, and here are the highlights:

I just proposed the final project for Grandpa's Life which will include a rhetorical framework to show how it is the small lives that weave into the big histories without which the fibers of our nation would unravel (oh how poetic).